Saturday, March 7, 2009
I need your help. I've been having some casual sex with this chick for about two months off and on. It's strictly a friends with benefits situation with no chance of developing into a relationship.
My gut feeling right now is that I should end it. I want to be in a relationship and I want to have meaningful sex. I am sick and tired of using the “fwb” as a outlet for my relationship woes.
Well we had a conversation yesterday about our "situation". It was very odd. We've had conversations in the past about how she wants me to be more affectionate and emotional, but I told her I could give a f*ck because we are not going out and we never will.
She also wanted to put terms on the “fwb” by saying that I can't date and I have to talk to her twice a week. I told her no, and she went along with it anyway. Basically, she's trying to move me in the middle, when I want to start on my side.
In the conversation today, she asked me a simple question that I refused to answer "Am I pretty?" I told her I do not answer that question unless it’s to my GF - and she got all p*ssed. And that is what set me off.
I told her that this should be over between me and her. I had enough drama and she has too. It doesn't make sense to pursue it anymore because I am not happy, and I think she is not happy. She said that we can fix this and she likes the fact that she can have sex casually at any time.
Well I told her to come over and we can talk about it in person. I wanted to say it to her face that it is over, and I did...3 times. She still didn't get the f*cking message. She kept saying "well if we stop talking about it, we'll be fine".
So I did something I probably will regret: I told her I was okay with the new terms and plowed her good. She asked me if we were okay and I said "yes" when I dropped her off, obviously I was lying.
All my friends agree that she really does want to date me. The restrictions, the need to fix this situation, etc, etc...all signs point to it, and I agree.
So what should I do? I don't like to be a douche, but I am probably going to make her feel mad tomorrow when she asks me about the sex (and she prob. will). If she isn't getting the picture that this isn't working, then I need to p*ss her off - hopefully it'll act as a catalyst to end this f*cking thing.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for writing, bro. Well, in all my life, I never thought I’d be asked for advice about how to get rid of a friend with benefits…but, you are my bro, I will do what I can to help you.
There are a few things that I’d like to make sure I have straight before suggesting strategies to get rid of your f*ckpuppet, though.
1)I want to be in a relationship and I want to have meaningful sex. I am sick and tired of using the “fwb” as an outlet for my relationship woes.
Dear God…why? I hope you understand that I have only your best interest at heart when I say this…but relationships are highly overrated, my friend. The @ss you’ve been getting on the cheap is going to start costing you dearly if you start getting it in the context of a relationship. Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.
2)We've had conversations in the past about how she wants me to be more affectionate and emotional, but I told her I could give a f*ck because we are not going out and we never will… she asked me a simple question that I refused to answer "Am I pretty?" I told her I do not answer that question unless it’s to my GF - and she got all p*ssed.
So, you aren’t comfortable showing affection or emotion, but you want a relationship? She asked if you thought she was pretty, and you refused to answer? It sounds to me like what you really want is a new girl to f*ck, not a relationship. If you are reluctant to show emotion or affection now, odds are that you’ll feel the same reluctance with a new girl. Do you really want to end up where you are right now with a new girl in a few months? Think about it.
3)Well I told her to come over and we can talk about it in person. I wanted to say it to her face that it is over, and I did...3 times. She still didn't get the f*cking message. So I did something I probably will regret: I told her I was okay with the new terms and plowed her good.
Bravo. Seriously. You followed that cardinal rule that should be applied whenever you are faced with ready, willing, and available box…you asked, “WWLBD (What would Legbreaker do?)”…and you smashed. Good sh*t. Such wisdom is rare, bro.
So, if after reading all that you’re still dead set on getting rid of your f*ckbuddy, I have a time tested method that should work for you. Normally, letting your f*ckbuddy know that your junk is off limits should do the trick…but it sounds like efforts thus far have been about as effective as a broken rubber.
The truth shall set you free...honest. Bro, sometimes we need to answer the tough questions instead of shying away from them. If you’re hanging out with a girl that doesn’t do it for you anymore, you should go out of your way to remind her that she if she asks a question that you don’t want to answer, she should expect an answer she doesn’t want to hear. Let me give you a hypothetical:
Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore: What are you thinking about?
Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Who?
You: Beth, the girl whose face I picture when we’re f*cking.
Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore: What? You think about other women when we’re f*cking? *sobs*
You: Not all the time…sometimes I think about hardware, or Taco Bravo, or how long it will be until you leave.
Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore: But...*still sobbing*
You: Look, its not you, it me. I’m the one that can’t keep a hard-on without thinking how happy I’ll be once you finally go home. You have absolutely nothing to do with it.
You: I’m really glad we had this talk. Just so you know, I hope we can still be friends…the kind of friends that don’t ever see or call each other.
If that doesn’t get rid of her, consult an exorcist.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
As you might recall I broke up with a ex about 7 months ago and you gave me great advice on how to pick up on a lot of b***hes (that advice was definitely put to use ) Anyways I have a new girlfriend now and I really like this girl a lot. We have a ton in common, listens to the same music, shes a Portuguese like me, sharks AND a niners fan but the best of all is that she has big titties. Problem with my little lady is that I feel like she hasn't "awakened the beast" just yet. She loves to get it on, but how do I make her take that extra step to kinkiness?
Your fellow metal head,
Thanks for writing. I’m glad to hear that you’ve been putting the wisdom to work…and even happier to hear that it’s working for you. Just to make sure that I have all of the bases covered, you say your new girl is a metalhead, a Sharks fan, a Niners fan, and she has big t*ts. Jumpin’ Jeezus on a pogo stick, amigo, it sound like you hit the mother lode!
And now to your question…it’s a common one, bro. Awakening the inner f*ckpuppet in a woman can be a daunting challenge, especially early in the relationship. Fortunately for you, I have dealt with a few “challenging” women in my day, and have some experience on the matter. While no method is 100% effective, any of the suggestions I am about to make, or some combination thereof should get the job done. Here we go:
The Hi-Ho Silver: The move is simple, really. There are three things you must have if this will work: a firm grip, a girl that’s down with doggy, and has long hair…the longer, the better. Now, once you’ve established a solid rhythm, slowly slide your hands up her back, and say something appropriate (i.e. “whose p*ssy is this?”; “I love you, baby…now admit you’re my f*cktoy”; etc.). Next, wrap her hair around your hand, and yanks back on that sh*t until she whinnies like a motherf*ckin’ thoroughbred. You will definitely find out how freaky she is…or how hard she can hit. For those of you out there thinking of trying this…if you’re down with the big b*tches, you’d better make sure your girl is a good sport before you give this one a go.
The Jack Horner (or the Oil Check): This one is easy, too. But be warned…it takes nerves of steel, a sense of adventure, and a little sadism. Get her on her hands and knees, and start hittin’ it from behind. Once the rhythm is solid, start kneading her @sscheeks like pizza dough. This should result in a soft, but audible, “Ooooh!” Now, slowly slide your hand over her @sscrack…and with one smooth, even motion, shove your thumb in her @ss, and sing the following nursery rhyme: “Little Jack Horner sat in a corner tapping his girlfriend’s pie. He stuck in his thumb and made the b*tch cum and said yum, yum, yum, what a good boy am I!” This will cause your girl get her freak on…guaranteed. If, for some strange reason, your girl decides to maim you with a sharp metal object, Legbreaker, Legbreaker Industries, and all things Legbreaker shall be without fault in a very real, and legally legitimate sense.
Now, my friend, go forth and awaken the beast! And be sure to keep me posted on your progress. And above all else, blow your cheez in her grill…trust me, she’ll love it.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I met this chick in class at the beginning of the semester, and we've been studying together. She invited me over to her house to study, and some guy answered the door. Ouch. We ended up studying, and I just figured that we'd be friends. Then we met one day for lunch, and she tells me she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Apparently this isn't the first time. At this point she bursts in to tears and gives me a big hug. Tells me she hates him and is never going to see him again.
She has been flirting with me, big time. She compliments me on my clothes, my smell, and my body. I compliment her back, tell her how smart and pretty she is...etc. She hugs me, sometimes hard and passionate, sometimes more gentle and "friendly". We talk about politics and agree on most everything. She touches my arms flirtatiously, plays with hair when we're sitting together, pats my leg...etc.
So, we are out with a bunch of people the other night. We get really drunk and she offers to me stay at her place "on her couch". On her couch? WTF? So we go back to her place and, true to her word, fixes up the couch for me. Yay. She apparently wasn't interested in having me in her bed so I didn't press the issue. Now she says I'm her best friend, and that she is really glad we met. She hugs me and cries sometimes, saying that she doesn't know what she'd do without me.
Anyway, what do you make of this girl? Is she just not into me? Is she just scared about getting into a relationship after this messy breakout with her boyfriend of 7 years? Is there any hope getting out of "best friend" territory and into her panties? Not that I'm just looking for that, mind you, but it would be nice. I'm really f**king confused by this chick. Moreso than with a lot of other chicks. I'm not sure how hard to press because of the sensitivity of her situation. I need some advice. This is f*cking with my head.
I feel your pain. Really. She's hot, kinda flirty, and you want to park the beef bus in tuna town. Who wouldn't?Now...after reading everything you've written, I have identified a few of the more pertinent red flags:
1) She tells me she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Apparently this isn't the first time. At this point she bursts in to tears and gives me a big hug. Tells me she hates him and is never going to see him again.
There is a thin line between love and hate...and a friggin' brick wall between friend and f*ckbuddy. She may hate him now...but wait until the batteries in her vibrator die. She'll be gobbling his junk like a bum on a Big Mac. Hugs are for "friends". If she had burst into tears, then started giving you a hummer, you wouldn't have much to worry about. The hug is a dark omen, though.
2) She compliments me on my clothes, my smell, and my body. I compliment her back, tell her how smart and pretty she is...etc. She hugs me, sometimes hard and passionate, sometimes more gentle and "friendly". We talk about politics and agree on most everything. She touches my arms flirtatiously, plays with hair when we're sitting together, pats my leg...etc.
Understand...by complimenting a woman you have yet to dehumanize...you are essentially cockblocking yourself. You see...the "complimenting friend" is an asexual being. In her eyes, he is persona non-nookie. This, my friend, is bad f*cking jenga…and most definitely NOT where you want to be. You must also understand that her flirty touching and leg pats are similar to the directions one gets on Google maps. Just follow the f*cking signs, and you are home free. Her flirty arm rub is chick speak for "please destroy my @ss and pop your wad in my face". Seriously.
3) We get really drunk and she offers to me stay at her place "on her couch". On her couch? WTF? So we go back to her place and, true to her word, fixes up the couch for me. Yay. She apparently wasn't interested in having me in her bed so I didn't press the issue.
Ugh. You were really drunk, and she said you could stay at her house. Hm...I wonder, what she was thinking? Care for a hint? She was thinking, "I sure wish Slothrop would scramble my ovaries". Word to the wise...when you walk up to the door...you should at least take the time to knock. Translation: Next time you are "sleeping on her couch" ask her if she's ever had her hips dislocated.
And now for the answers to your questions:
1) What do you make of this girl? Is she just not into me? Is she just scared about getting into a relationship after this messy breakout with her boyfriend of 7 years?
I think this girl is just like every other girl. She has a vagina. This makes her insane. That’s not always a bad thing, though. Understand that there's no controlling this...but you can learn to tolerate it if the payout is steady.
2) Is there any hope getting out of "best friend" territory and into her panties?
Yes!!! There is hope. What you must do is simple:
1) Drop your pants, and look down. Do you have a penis? Good. Start acting like it. This girl is not out for a "relationship". She wants you to f*ck her brains out. She does not want to hear "I love you"...she wants to feel like she can get some action after getting tossed aside by her boyfriend (who, by the way, treated her like s**t...and still has her thinking about him).
2) Stop complimenting her. Now.
3) Be a wise@ss. Make fun of stupid little sh*t that you know she pays attention to…hair, nails, clothes, whatever. Just keep her off balance. This will make you "intriguing".
4) The next time she calls, let it go to voicemail.
5) The next time she wants to hang out...tell her you have plans. DO NOT ELABORATE.
6) When you see her next, think of it this way: She is the rebound, and you are Dennis Rodman...go get that sh*t.
7) When you do finally hang out with her, be late, unapologetic, and ready to take action with you get the green light.
8) The next time she touches your arm, move your hand to her waist.
9) As always...when step 8 leads you where it ought to...blow your cheez in her grill. Trust me, she'll love it.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
F*ck me, I asked this chick I barely knew for 2 days out because I thought she was cute. So we are hanging out and I realize that she's not my type and that she's a nice girl so I don't wanna lead her on for some coochie and hurt her feelings later. The f*cked up sh*t is that we did couple stuff yesterday like holding hands and cuddling (gay) and all that s**t. So now I have a few days to tell her that we should remain friends only. I am also stuck seeing her twice a week now. F*ck I am stupid. What do I do now?
Hey there bro...sounds like you have the kind of problem that I specialize in. Just to make sure that I have it all straight, I'll restate the problem: You started dating a chick from work, and now you are looking for a way out. Sound about right? Good.
Before getting to your best option, there are a few elements to your story that I find a litte troubling:
1) So we are hanging out and I realize that she's not my type. So, um...how is she not your type? Is her vagina functional? She has two t*ts, three holes and a heartbeat, doesn't she? Unless your answer here is that she has a fat @ss, one t*t or a f*cked up grill, I think you need to re-examine your priorities, amigo.
2) She's a nice girl so I don't wanna lead her on for some coochie and hurt her feelings later. Um...why? You understand what your p*nis is used for, don't you? There are men in the world that will never get within sniffing distance of a vagina, and here you are, turning one down. Shame on you. Remember: A vagina is a terrible thing to waste...when it's attached to a smashable piece of tail anyway. That's like turning down pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving! Are you hungry? F*ck no! You are so f*cking stuffed, you can't even move. But you take the pie anyway...and you grin your @ss off, too. Take the pie bro. Top it with some Cool Whip. Then f*ck the sh*t out of it.
3) The f*cked up sh*t is that we did couple stuff yesterday like holding hands and cuddling (gay) and all that s**t. You cuddled with her and held hands *before* you got in her pants? And you have no intention of getting in her pants anyway? Ugh. You understand that cuddling and handholding are essential elements in the emotional blackmail required to conquer the average piece of p*ssy, right? Don't put that sh*t on the table until you are negotiating frequency, duration and variety! Sadly, you may have already poisoned the well for further negotiation.
And now I will address the solution to your problem. First things first, all men know that the first cardinal rule of finding cooch to conquer is that you should do it in someone else's sandbox. Translation: do not dip your pen in the company ink. This, however, does not apply to you...because you've already signed for it...on credit...with a no refund or exchange policy. Christ on a cracker, you are in deep. You have but one option. Friend, you must smash. Whether you like her or not, take delivery and crush that sh*t. Then plan your exit.
I know what you're thinking: "But Legbreaker, how do I plan my exit once we've f*cked?" I'm glad you asked! There are two that work well...and I shall list both for you:
1) Personal Tragedy: If you want a girl to go away after you've hit it, but you can't bring yourself to say it, this is the solution for you. Stop f*cking her. Immediately. Act a little distant. Answer a few calls in front of her...then take them in private. Sooner or later, she'll ask what's up...and that is when you drop the bomb: My Mom/Dad/Brother/Sister/Grandma/Grandpa/Dog/Hamster/Goldfish is terminally ill/was abducted by aliens/ was hit by a truck/ has six months to live, etc. It should go something like this:
Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: You’ve been acting strange…what’s the matter?
Anonymous: My hamster was involved in an accident yesterday.
Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: You have a hamster?
Anonymous: Uh, yeah…but he lives with my parents…in another state…really far away from this one.
Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Oh. What happened?
Anonymous: A pack of rabid gerbils sexually assaulted him. In the @ss. It doesn’t look like he’s going to make it.
Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: What can I do?
Anonymous: Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do. I just need some time to compose myself. I am so heartbroken.
Anonymous: I really like you…a lot. I just can’t give you what you need with the heartbreak that I am going through right now.
Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: But…
Anonymous: Oh, you are so sweet. That’s what I like about you. I could really use a friend right now.
Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Okay, but…
Anonymous: Awesome. Thanks for understanding. I’ll call you next week. Maybe.
2) Come to Jesus: If you are unworried about going to hell, or, you already know that you're f*cked in the afterlife anyway, this one's the ticket. Tell her that you have recently "found Jesus", and that J wants you to re-examine what you’ve been doing with your gigglestick. State that you will be practicing celibacy in order to keep your mind clear so you can create a better relationship with your Lord and Savior...then watch as she walks (or runs) away.
Hope those help, bro...and good luck. You're going to need it.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Simply put, how do you prevent premature ejaculation?
Thanks for writing…especially about such a serious issue.
Right now, there are men in the world who have never known the joy of blowing their cheez in a random tramp’s grill. You might think that these men can’t spit game, or perhaps that they are incapable of finding the cooter…but the sad fact is that the majority of these guys are unable to make it to the grill. Can you think of anything more tragic?
Fortunately, it is possible to cure the “unintentional misfire”. There are three methods that will keep you from squeezing of a round sooner than you want to:
The ESPN: Are you a sports fan? If so, this is the “unintentional misfire” management tool for you. First things first, you’ve got to brush up on your sports trivia. Then, you have to indentify a hoochie to hammer. Now that you’re ready to get freaky, you can effectively employ “the ESPN”. When you feel the urge to pop your wad, ask yourself a sports question (in your head…we don’t want your hoochie thinking you’re a f*cking nutbar). If you’re a fatty from the Midwest, maybe it’s a bowling question. If you’re a stud from the left coast, maybe it’s a piece of 49er trivia. As you can see, effective employment of this technique can go on for hours, depending on how many sports you’re into. The most important aspect of this method is the finale, which consists of blowing cheez in your hoochie’s grill, spiking a football on her @ss, doing the Merton Hanks “chicken dance”, and screaming “Touchdown!” at the top of your lungs.
The Pipe Cleaner: Not into sports? Pathetic. But since there is an existing, however small number of you who cannot employ “the ESPN”, I humbly present “the Pipe Cleaner”. The premise is simple enough…wait until about two hours before you are expected to drop the hammer, and just fap, fap fap your way to more staying power. Timing is everything here, fellas…clean the pipes to early, and you’ll already have a round chambered when the magic happens…clean the pipes to late, and your hoochie hammer will be rockin’ more flop than the Italian National Soccer Team. It doesn’t matter if you can flip your sh*t around like Bruce Lee in “Enter the Dragon”, either…because if you’re rockin’ the flop, the panties won’t drop.
The Barbara Bush: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Legbreaker, what if I don’t know how long it will be before I hit it, or if I blank on all of my sports knowledge in the face of some seriously ridicul-@ss, or some titani-t*tties?” Don’t trip, homie…I have got you covered like a jimmy hat. For the times when you’re caught in an @ss avalanche or a t*tty tornado, I recommend the Barbara Bush. How does it work? Glad you asked. When you’re about to bathe your ho of the moment in baby batter, simply picture Barbara Bush...naked. How’s that for a splooey stopper? Caution: keep the image in your head just long enough to kill the urge to skeet. Think of it too long, and you could permanently impair your ability to unleash the beast. You have been warned.
Hopefully these suggestions will stave off the dreaded “unintentional misfire”. Be wary…if these can’t keep you free of the premature skeet-skeet, you are in need of more help than I am qualified to provide.
There are certain things that I have yet to figure out about women...so here's one for you, bro. As I'm sure that plenty of inquiringminds would like to know...Question: How do you get an "inexperienced" chick to try "backdoor love"?I have a new chick that will do everything from handcuffs to blindfolds to paddles(leather AND wooden) and even a lil PDA (that's "public displays of affection", fellas, but not just kissing and hugging)I can say "It only hurts in the beginning" so many times...I've tried a lil alcohol (no chloroform yet though)...the seal on a new bottle of KY has yet to be broken.Problem is that her V-gap is about the size of the hole in a Lifesaver...a few problems there in the beginning - but you know my motto...If it don't fit, Force it!...to add, her A-gap is even smaller (how does this woman take a crap, seriously?) I'm not sure if it's even possible for her to take the manhammer down the dookie-shoot Your thoughts?
First things first, congrats on the new girl. Everything from handcuffs to blindfolds encompasses a mountain of seriously perverse sh*t…I am proud of you!
Your question is one that has boggled mankind since the dawn of time: How to open the back door?
When analyzing potential approaches to this situation, it is vital to understand that resistance is usually based on one of three factors: Fear, moral hang-ups, or outright bitchiness. While each of the aforementioned can be difficult to deal with, keep your chin up…because all of them can be overcome.
There are a couple of methods for effectively penetrating the A-gap. Remember…what I am about to break down for you here will work…at least once and under the right circumstances, anyway.
“Surprise!” (Also called the Jack-in-the-Box) Technique: In order to pull off the surprise technique, you have to be fast…and have a pre-planned escape route. In order to set the table for the surprise technique; you should get your girl in the mood…a little champagne, some chocolate covered strawberries, and a little Barry White/Al Green/Marvin Gaye pumping in the background for good measure. Once you think she’s ready, start to slow dance with her. Your conversation should go something like this:
Gig: I have a surprise for you, baby.
Her: Ooh! Really? I love surprises!
Gig: Well you’ll love this then… but I need you to get on your hands & knees and close your eyes.
Her: What? Why?
Gig: If I told you, it would ruin the surprise.
Her: Hmmm. Okay. **Closes eyes and drops**
Gig: You ready baby? Here it comes…SURPRISE!
Coincidentally, this is why this method is also called the “Jack-in-the-Box” Technique. It will result in either a squeal of joy followed by clapping and laughter, or a terror filled shriek and uncontrollable crying (and potentially, an vengeful swipe at your cojones). Risky? Sure. But if you do the cost/benefit, you will realize that you come out the winner every time…if she likes it, you’re golden. If not, you have weeded an unwilling philly outta your stable of hoes.
Straight Talk Express: If you want to get your girl on board the straight talk express, you will need two things: a heartless friend in the medical field that owes you a favor, and a girl that’s sharp as a marble. This conversation is best set over drinks. Specifically, it is best set over 5 double extra dry vodka martinis (stupidity alone might not get the job done…but stupidity and alcohol are a winner every time):
Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: So, I was reading something pretty disturbing in the AMA Journal today.
Gig: Really? What’s up, bro?
Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Apparently, colon cancer rates have been skyrocketing in female Pacific Islanders.
Gig: Shut the f*ck up!
Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: No joke, man. Apparently they have less anal sex than any other demographic segment.
Her: I don’t know why any chick would give up the @ss. On the real.
Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Well, then I hope you know a good anal oncologist, because your’re on the @ss cancer express, sweetheart.
Her: Oh no! Are you sure?
Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: I’m in the medical field…we know EVERYTHING…especially about @ss cancer.
Her: What can I do to lower my risk?
Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Well…you could increase your lycopene intake, eat more fibrous foods, and get your @ss destroyed at least once a day.
Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Preliminary studies show that women who give up the @ss have a significantly lower chance of contracting @ss cancer.
Gig: **slips friend a $50 bill under the table**
Her: Gig, will you wreck my @ss later?
Gig: I don’t know…you seemed a little reluctant before…
Her: But that was before the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic! I need your help! Please?
Gig: Well, if it means that I keep you safe from the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic…I’ll do it. But only because I care.
As you can see…booze and an uncommonly high level of stupidity are required to pull this one off…but unlike the surprise technique, this one should keep you A-gap friendly for a while. Or until one of her friends looks up the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic on Web MD.
Well, amigo…I hope these suggestions help. Keep in mind that conquest of the female @ss is a rare and beautiful thing. When coupled with blowing your cheez in her grill, there isn’t a more heartfelt, sincere way of saying, “I’m really only using you for sex…and sorry about getting it in your eye.”
Monday, April 28, 2008
I have a bit of a dilemma. One fateful day, I saw a video on youtube of randy couture choking out this girl on a radio show. Well being the curious fellow I am...the next time I was playing Dr. Goodlove with my girl, I wrapped my arm around her carotid and boom…lights out. The distorted look on her face and the piss in her pants was a huge turn on and now I am plagued by a new fetish…and a conflict of interest.
Needless to say my girlfriend isn't into it. Am I a sick-o or is she just unreasonable?
- Train Guy
While I can understand urges that some would call “adventurous”, this one might be a bit over the top. Don’t get me wrong…anyone with a penis will agree that there are times that the urge to choke out one’s girl can be pretty f*cking strong.
Unfortunately, following up on that urge will usually land your @ss in prison. You’ll probably still get kinky sex in the slam…but odds are it will be the kind that involves you wearing a wig, skirt, and clear heels.
Since you’ve probably got better things to do than get dehumanized by a 350 lb. member of the Aryan Nation nicknamed “Buttmugger” and simultaneously changing your name to “b*tchboy”, let’s discuss some alternatives to choking your girlfriend until she passes out and pisses her pants. Sound good?
The following alternatives should assuage your hunger for perversion, and keep you out of the slam to boot:
1) THE FOUR BAGGER: If you’re a baseball fan, you’ll love this one. As your girl is gobbling your goods, wait until you’re about to pop your wad, then pull your gigglestick back like you would a bat, and swing for the fences. While she’s reeling from the c*ckslap, you circle the bases…and play that sh*t up. Point to the sky ala Barry Bonds, go one flap down like Geoffrey Leonard, or beat on your chest and throw out peace signs like Sammy Sosa. When you reach home, blow your cheez in her grill, and give her a high five.
2) THE BUCKIN’ BRONCO: Like Westerns?? Awesome...because you are in for a wild ride, buckaroo! Get your girl on top, reverse cowgirl style…and tell her that she’s almost as good a lay as her best friend. Then hang on for dear life while humming the theme to Bonanza. If she manages to get away, chase her around the house with a lasso while wearing a white 10-gallon hat.
In addition to being really fun, both of the above mentioned alternatives are also legal. So, while you might still p*ss off your girl, you will not end up playing twister with the “welcome to prison committee” while doing a nickel in Attica.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Dear Legbreaker, my friend was with this girl for 2 years, almost at the engagement/marriage stage of their relationship...
My friend was with this girl for 2 years, almost at the engagement/marriage stage of their relationship. She was going on a trip to NY to meet up with her brother for something, but when she comes back a week later, she goes to take a shower right away and my friend picks up her clothes. He finds a bunch of receipts in the pockets of her jeans (don't know if that's invasion of privacy, because they were in her freaking jeans) but they were all from Florida... Soon he found out how she was sleeping with someone else behind his back, and his heart literally fell out of his chest for like 3 months. He's back to his pimpin ways now, but he is a different person; he doesn't trust any of the chicks he's picking up. I'm 20, nothing like this has happened to me yet, but was wondering...should I expect it?
The short answer is...yes. You can most definitely expect it to happen to you. Along with all sorts of other really crazy sh*t. You've got to be prepared.
How do you prepare for sh*t like this? By talking to someone who has already been through it...like me. I try to liken my past experiences to non-threatening, even comical things. When it comes to women, I like to think of them as Barbies. Trust me on this...it works.
Basically, most women are insane. They will lie to you, cheat on you, and in general do all sorts of random sh*t that will make you feel like jumping off a bridge. Why, you ask? Bro, there are some questions that cannot be answered. All a man can do is make the best of a f*cked up situation.
Let's use my experience as an example: if all the women I've screwed were Barbies...what kind of Barbie would they be? In the space between waking and sleeping, I've often found myself wondering this very thing. Laura? Kim? Donna? Josie? Sarah? Sonia? Marcy? All of the others? Read on, amigo.
***Important Editors Note: There are some categories that refer to more than one girl, but for the sake of succinct, to the point reporting, and in order to protect the anonymity of the innocent, they have not ALL been listed in individual categories...I've got to get SOME work done today***
1)"80's Cheerleader" Barbie: Comes complete with pom poms, big hair, aqua net, tons of make up, Reebok athletic shoes with that cheesy Velcro strap, tight jeans with little zippers at the ankle, and a burnt, scratched, smashed Sadie Hawkins Dance picture that she'll mail to you after you realize what a tramp she is and break up with her so you can date her really hot friend.
2)"Future crack ho" Barbie: This little number comes complete with a bright green leather miniskirt, strappy spike heels, a tube top, bright pink lipstick, bleach blonde hair, a nickel bag labeled "gateway drug", and a brass proto pipe that she will hurl at you after you realize what a tramp she is and break up with her to date this really hot chick from the drama club.
3) The "first girl I ever kissed" Barbie: She comes with a shitty little Volkswagen rabbit, an Annie Lennox hairdo, big cans (where did those come from?), a killer smile, and an alternate personality that she'll keep hidden until you realize that she sucks in bed and dump her to avoid having your unit chewed off during her next painfully average attempt at a blow job.
4)"Secret Tramp" Barbie: This Barbie is your mom's friend's daughter. She looks like she could be hot, but always wears baggy clothes, so you can't really tell. Then your mom makes you take her to a Depeche Mode concert at Shoreline, and she dresses like she just got the lead in a porno flick. Then she jumps your bones so hard that you can't walk for a week. It all seems great until you're forced to dump her when you realize that this crazy bitch will threaten you with a f*cking butcher knife if you even talk to another girl.
5)"Amazon" Barbie: This Barbie has legs that are longer than you, a backside that won't quit, and is the sexual equivalent of Godzilla in the sack. She comes complete with a giant bottle of lube, an econo pack of Trojans, a porn collection bigger than yours and a Norplant birth control device. She also comes with "Old rich fucker" Ken doll, who drives a Ferrari, and after 3 years and expensive engagement ring, she'll dump you to become his trophy girlfriend.
6)"Stiffler's Mom" Barbie: She comes with a leopard print skin tight spandex top, a brand new jag, a really hot daughter 2 years younger than you, fake D cups that look like volleyballs, and an ass that you could play quarters on. Unlike other Barbies, she'll only screw Ken's little brother.
7)"How drunk was I?" Barbie: She comes with a bottle of Bacardi, a third story apartment, and a great personality. She varies in appearance, but will usually have some glaring physical flaw like a huge f*cking nose, tank ass, snaggletooth, or a moustache. The more you drink, the hotter she gets. After nearly breaking your leg on the stairs to her place in your early morning escape, your question to your friends is "Why did you let me do that? Why?"
8)"Is anybody looking?" Barbie: See "How drunk was I?" Barbie. This Barbie is essentially the same, minus the alcohol. If any of your friends find out, you will never live this one down.
9)"Only 19 and already in a 12-Step Program" Barbie: She comes with a 6 month Sobriety Chip, a lifetime supply of Marlboro Lights, the most beautiful face you have ever seen, a rig worthy of Playboy, and enough psychological problems to give Charles Manson nightmares. She's peaches and cream until she dumps you to date a coke dealer from her AA meetings.
10)"Sorority Tramp" Barbie: She comes complete with a Delta Zeta, Chi Omega, Kappa Delta, Alpha Phi, Delta Gamma, or Alpha Omicron Pi sweatshirt, a sharpie that you can use to autograph the bottom of the couch/piano/table in the living room of her sorority house after you bang her, and a reputation about as pure as the water in a sewage treatment facility. Better have that penicillin shot handy, bro...you're going to need it.
11)"That hot chick from high school" Barbie: She comes with a 5 year old yearbook, a plastic smile, and a great rack. She was hot in high school, but she's even hotter in college. She's great until you have to dump her because she is about as exciting as a vasectomy in the sack and she slashes your tires, sticks a knife in the door to your apartment, and stalks you for a year.
12)"Jewish Princess" Barbie: She comes with a great rack, a killer personality, more diamonds than f*cking DeBeers, and a father who hates you because you're Catholic. The only reason that she's even dating you is because you are an Art Major, and she wants to piss off her parents. She's a monster in the sack, and a lot of fun to be around until she dumps you to date this cheesy asshole that just started his own plastic surgery practice in LA.
13) "What the f*ck was I thinking?" Barbie: She comes complete with a shitty attitude, a blue Ford Probe, multiple personalities and a sexual appetite that is absolutely ridiculous...until you make the biggest f*cking mistake of your life and marry the crazy b*tch. Only then do you find out about her aversion to sunlight, allergies to garlic, holy water and silver, and her need to suck your lifeblood out of you at every available opportunity.
14) "Hot MILF from the Gym" Barbie: She's got a killer smile, a fucking amazing voice, great eyes, and her rack is insane...but so are her kids. She's a seriously good time until she gives you the "I hope you're ready for a family in which you provide all of the income" speech...after which you change your phone number, e-mail address, and tell her that you are off to explore the depth of your faith in a Buddhist Monastery in Tibet.
15)"Korean Hottie" Barbie: She comes with a great rack, a bottle of soju (The Devil's Nectar) and a really annoying voice. She's a banshee in the sack, but her voice is enough to make you pray for a stroke.
16) "Chemically Imbalanced" Barbie: This Barbie is the be all end all of everything you ever could have wanted...until you realize that you had no f*cking clue what you wanted when you met her. After a week with this f*cking nutbar, find yourself looking to overdose on Zoloft while simultaneously committing Japanese ritual suicide and driving your car off of a bridge.
Well, that's the short list. After reading it, I guess it’s a good thing that all of the chicks I've screwed aren't Barbies...who the hell would go to Toys R Us for that crap?
Anyway...it will be one hell of a ride. The only thing you can do is take the good with the bad, always wear your wetsuit, and remember that even a crazy b*tch is better than no b*tch at all.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I am currently talking to a few different girls and I find myself in uncharted waters. I have never dated more than one girl at a time. I am up front with them and let them know that I'm not interested in being anyone's boyfriend right now, but I have been around long enough to know that reason and estrogen blend together like Farrakhan and a KKK social. So my question is this. How do I get Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of sex (minus the Glenn Close part) without the Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of consequences?
Thanks for writing! Uncharted waters, huh? Dating multiple women is something every man must do at one point in his life...but finding one’s way to the box & boobs buffet can be pretty f*cking mixed bag, amigo. There is inherent danger in dating more than one woman at a time…but if you carefully analyze the situation, you’ll see that there is one motherf*cker of an upside. Sounds like it’s time to employ one of the most basic risk management techniques there is: The Cost/Benefit Analysis.
As I see it, the potential costs are as follows:
1) Potential for Penile Amputation and/or Castration.
2) Potential Bankruptcy (everyone pays for it…there is no such thing as a free lunch…or free cooter).
3) Increased potential for paternity issues (friends don’t let friends play without a helmet).
And now for the benefits:
1) Tits…lots and lots of tits.
2) Increased odds of nailing the “hat trick” (3 women…one day. Live the dream, amigo…live the dream).
If you can afford it, and make sure that your f*ckpuppets don’t find out about each other, you are in for more fun (and exhaustion) than you can shake a box of rubbers at.
And now to your question: How do I get Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of sex (minus the Glenn Close part) without the Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of consequences?
Answer: You don’t. That’s right, bro…you don’t. Which brings me to the second most basic risk management technique there is: The Risk/Reward Trade-off. Remember this: If she’s crazy in the sack, the b*tch is probably whack. Essentially, you have to weigh the benefit of getting f*cked into a coma against the risk of being shot/stabbed/slashed into a coma. If you have a penis, then you know the answer…of course it’s worth the risk! Severe bodily injury is nothing when it comes to the potential for world class cooch.
Happy humping, amigo!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
What's the point of arguing with a woman? I'm pretty strong minded and sometimes stubborn, so I tend to make points in my arguments, etc. If I win the argument, I'm happy for a second...but begging for some poontang pie later is a threat to my manhood(The horniness blinds your manhood). If I lose an argument, she's happy, but I feel like I let my male species down with another chalked loss. ''This is a mmmmmmmmaan world! yeoow ! Hit me!'' It's a lose-lose situation. Question is , how do I make her forgive me (I'm not excluding p***y waif stuff this time).
Its simple, bro. Really simple. Just agree with her. Sounds easy, doesn't it?
The fact is...if you are involved in an argument, you have played some part in creating it. In order to defuse an argument, employ lesson 1 from Argument 101: Agree with your opponent.
Her: You are such an @sshole.
You: You are right, baby...I am an @sshole.
**and this is where you qualify your agreement**
You: And that is exactly what you love about me.
Her: Wha...um... well, uh...
***And this is where you justify your qualification, and issue your rebuttal***
You: If I stopped being an @sshole, you'd get bored, go look for some "bad boy", get your heart trampled, and pick up a "nice guy" on the rebound who will be about as entertaining as the second season of "Charles in Charge".
You: So, if you think about it, you've got it pretty good right now, don't you?
Her: Well, I...
You: Lets shave your box, then f*ck ourselves to sleep.
Argument over. You get l@id, and no one's feelings get hurt. Everybody wins.