Dear Legbreaker, I need your help...

Dear Legbreaker,

I need your help. I've been having some casual sex with this chick for about two months off and on. It's strictly a friends with benefits situation with no chance of developing into a relationship.

My gut feeling right now is that I should end it. I want to be in a relationship and I want to have meaningful sex. I am sick and tired of using the “fwb” as a outlet for my relationship woes.

Well we had a conversation yesterday about our "situation". It was very odd. We've had conversations in the past about how she wants me to be more affectionate and emotional, but I told her I could give a f*ck because we are not going out and we never will.

She also wanted to put terms on the “fwb” by saying that I can't date and I have to talk to her twice a week. I told her no, and she went along with it anyway. Basically, she's trying to move me in the middle, when I want to start on my side.

In the conversation today, she asked me a simple question that I refused to answer "Am I pretty?" I told her I do not answer that question unless it’s to my GF - and she got all p*ssed. And that is what set me off.

I told her that this should be over between me and her. I had enough drama and she has too. It doesn't make sense to pursue it anymore because I am not happy, and I think she is not happy. She said that we can fix this and she likes the fact that she can have sex casually at any time.

Well I told her to come over and we can talk about it in person. I wanted to say it to her face that it is over, and I did...3 times. She still didn't get the f*cking message. She kept saying "well if we stop talking about it, we'll be fine".

So I did something I probably will regret: I told her I was okay with the new terms and plowed her good. She asked me if we were okay and I said "yes" when I dropped her off, obviously I was lying.

All my friends agree that she really does want to date me. The restrictions, the need to fix this situation, etc, etc...all signs point to it, and I agree.

So what should I do? I don't like to be a douche, but I am probably going to make her feel mad tomorrow when she asks me about the sex (and she prob. will). If she isn't getting the picture that this isn't working, then I need to p*ss her off - hopefully it'll act as a catalyst to end this f*cking thing.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Dmbgeek87

Dmbgeek87,

Thanks for writing, bro. Well, in all my life, I never thought I’d be asked for advice about how to get rid of a friend with benefits…but, you are my bro, I will do what I can to help you.

There are a few things that I’d like to make sure I have straight before suggesting strategies to get rid of your f*ckpuppet, though.

1)I want to be in a relationship and I want to have meaningful sex. I am sick and tired of using the “fwb” as an outlet for my relationship woes.

Dear God…why? I hope you understand that I have only your best interest at heart when I say this…but relationships are highly overrated, my friend. The @ss you’ve been getting on the cheap is going to start costing you dearly if you start getting it in the context of a relationship. Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

2)We've had conversations in the past about how she wants me to be more affectionate and emotional, but I told her I could give a f*ck because we are not going out and we never will… she asked me a simple question that I refused to answer "Am I pretty?" I told her I do not answer that question unless it’s to my GF - and she got all p*ssed.

So, you aren’t comfortable showing affection or emotion, but you want a relationship? She asked if you thought she was pretty, and you refused to answer? It sounds to me like what you really want is a new girl to f*ck, not a relationship. If you are reluctant to show emotion or affection now, odds are that you’ll feel the same reluctance with a new girl. Do you really want to end up where you are right now with a new girl in a few months? Think about it.

3)Well I told her to come over and we can talk about it in person. I wanted to say it to her face that it is over, and I did...3 times. She still didn't get the f*cking message. So I did something I probably will regret: I told her I was okay with the new terms and plowed her good.

Bravo. Seriously. You followed that cardinal rule that should be applied whenever you are faced with ready, willing, and available box…you asked, “WWLBD (What would Legbreaker do?)”…and you smashed. Good sh*t. Such wisdom is rare, bro.

So, if after reading all that you’re still dead set on getting rid of your f*ckbuddy, I have a time tested method that should work for you. Normally, letting your f*ckbuddy know that your junk is off limits should do the trick…but it sounds like efforts thus far have been about as effective as a broken rubber.

The truth shall set you free...honest. Bro, sometimes we need to answer the tough questions instead of shying away from them. If you’re hanging out with a girl that doesn’t do it for you anymore, you should go out of your way to remind her that she if she asks a question that you don’t want to answer, she should expect an answer she doesn’t want to hear. Let me give you a hypothetical:

Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore: What are you thinking about?

You: Beth.

Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Who?

You: Beth, the girl whose face I picture when we’re f*cking.

Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore: What? You think about other women when we’re f*cking? *sobs*

You: Not all the time…sometimes I think about hardware, or Taco Bravo, or how long it will be until you leave.

Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore: But...*still sobbing*

You: Look, its not you, it me. I’m the one that can’t keep a hard-on without thinking how happy I’ll be once you finally go home. You have absolutely nothing to do with it.

You: I’m really glad we had this talk. Just so you know, I hope we can still be friends…the kind of friends that don’t ever see or call each other.

If that doesn’t get rid of her, consult an exorcist.

Dear Legbreaker, as you might recall I broke up with a ex about 7 months ago

Dear Legbreaker,

As you might recall I broke up with a ex about 7 months ago and you gave me great advice on how to pick up on a lot of b***hes (that advice was definitely put to use ) Anyways I have a new girlfriend now and I really like this girl a lot. We have a ton in common, listens to the same music, shes a Portuguese like me, sharks AND a niners fan but the best of all is that she has big titties. Problem with my little lady is that I feel like she hasn't "awakened the beast" just yet. She loves to get it on, but how do I make her take that extra step to kinkiness?

Your fellow metal head,

Nick


Nick,

Thanks for writing. I’m glad to hear that you’ve been putting the wisdom to work…and even happier to hear that it’s working for you. Just to make sure that I have all of the bases covered, you say your new girl is a metalhead, a Sharks fan, a Niners fan, and she has big t*ts. Jumpin’ Jeezus on a pogo stick, amigo, it sound like you hit the mother lode!

And now to your question…it’s a common one, bro. Awakening the inner f*ckpuppet in a woman can be a daunting challenge, especially early in the relationship. Fortunately for you, I have dealt with a few “challenging” women in my day, and have some experience on the matter. While no method is 100% effective, any of the suggestions I am about to make, or some combination thereof should get the job done. Here we go:

The Hi-Ho Silver: The move is simple, really. There are three things you must have if this will work: a firm grip, a girl that’s down with doggy, and has long hair…the longer, the better. Now, once you’ve established a solid rhythm, slowly slide your hands up her back, and say something appropriate (i.e. “whose p*ssy is this?”; “I love you, baby…now admit you’re my f*cktoy”; etc.). Next, wrap her hair around your hand, and yanks back on that sh*t until she whinnies like a motherf*ckin’ thoroughbred. You will definitely find out how freaky she is…or how hard she can hit. For those of you out there thinking of trying this…if you’re down with the big b*tches, you’d better make sure your girl is a good sport before you give this one a go.

The Jack Horner (or the Oil Check): This one is easy, too. But be warned…it takes nerves of steel, a sense of adventure, and a little sadism. Get her on her hands and knees, and start hittin’ it from behind. Once the rhythm is solid, start kneading her @sscheeks like pizza dough. This should result in a soft, but audible, “Ooooh!” Now, slowly slide your hand over her @sscrack…and with one smooth, even motion, shove your thumb in her @ss, and sing the following nursery rhyme: “Little Jack Horner sat in a corner tapping his girlfriend’s pie. He stuck in his thumb and made the b*tch cum and said yum, yum, yum, what a good boy am I!” This will cause your girl get her freak on…guaranteed. If, for some strange reason, your girl decides to maim you with a sharp metal object, Legbreaker, Legbreaker Industries, and all things Legbreaker shall be without fault in a very real, and legally legitimate sense.

Now, my friend, go forth and awaken the beast! And be sure to keep me posted on your progress. And above all else, blow your cheez in her grill…trust me, she’ll love it.