tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85178086652757847912024-03-14T03:18:24.111-07:00Dear LegbreakerCommon sense, free of chargeLegbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-80059395359358131582009-03-07T15:34:00.000-08:002009-03-07T15:40:28.543-08:00Dear Legbreaker, I need your help...<span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">Dear Legbreaker, </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> I need your help. I've been having some casual sex with this chick for about two months off and on. It's strictly a friends with benefits situation with no chance of developing into a relationship. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> My gut feeling right now is that I should end it. I want to be in a relationship and I want to have meaningful sex. I am sick and tired of using the “fwb” as a outlet for my relationship woes. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> Well we had a conversation yesterday about our "situation". It was very odd. We've had conversations in the past about how she wants me to be more affectionate and emotional, but I told her I could give a f*ck because we are not going out and we never will. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> She also wanted to put terms on the “fwb” by saying that I can't date and I have to talk to her twice a week. I told her no, and she went along with it anyway. Basically, she's trying to move me in the middle, when I want to start on my side. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> In the conversation today, she asked me a simple question that I refused to answer "Am I pretty?" I told her I do not answer that question unless it’s to my GF - and she got all p*ssed. And that is what set me off. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> I told her that this should be over between me and her. I had enough drama and she has too. It doesn't make sense to pursue it anymore because I am not happy, and I think she is not happy. She said that we can fix this and she likes the fact that she can have sex casually at any time. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> Well I told her to come over and we can talk about it in person. I wanted to say it to her face that it is over, and I did...3 times. She still didn't get the f*cking message. She kept saying "well if we stop talking about it, we'll be fine". </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> So I did something I probably will regret: I told her I was okay with the new terms and plowed her good. She asked me if we were okay and I said "yes" when I dropped her off, obviously I was lying. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> All my friends agree that she really does want to date me. The restrictions, the need to fix this situation, etc, etc...all signs point to it, and I agree. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> So what should I do? I don't like to be a douche, but I am probably going to make her feel mad tomorrow when she asks me about the sex (and she prob. will). If she isn't getting the picture that this isn't working, then I need to p*ss her off - hopefully it'll act as a catalyst to end this f*cking thing. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> Any advice will be greatly appreciated. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> Thanks, </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> Dmbgeek87 </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Dmbgeek87, </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Thanks for writing, bro. Well, in all my life, I never thought I’d be asked for advice about how to </span><i style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">get rid of</i><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> a friend with benefits…but, you are my bro, I will do what I can to help you. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> There are a few things that I’d like to make sure I have straight before suggesting strategies to get rid of your f*ckpuppet, though. </span><br /><b style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br />1)I want to be in a relationship and I want to have meaningful sex. I am sick and tired of using the “fwb” as an outlet for my relationship woes.</b><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Dear God…why? I hope you understand that I have only your best interest at heart when I say this…but relationships are highly overrated, my friend. The @ss you’ve been getting on the cheap is going to start costing you dearly if you start getting it in the context of a relationship. Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.</span><br /><br /><b style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">2)We've had conversations in the past about how she wants me to be more affectionate and emotional, but I told her I could give a f*ck because we are not going out and we never will… she asked me a simple question that I refused to answer "Am I pretty?" I told her I do not answer that question unless it’s to my GF - and she got all p*ssed.</b><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> So, you aren’t comfortable showing affection or emotion, but you want a relationship? She asked if you thought she was pretty, and you refused to answer? It sounds to me like what you really want is a new girl to f*ck, not a relationship. If you are reluctant to show emotion or affection now, odds are that you’ll feel the same reluctance with a new girl. Do you really want to end up where you are right now with a new girl in a few months? Think about it. </span><br /><br /><b style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">3)Well I told her to come over and we can talk about it in person. I wanted to say it to her face that it is over, and I did...3 times. She still didn't get the f*cking message. So I did something I probably will regret: I told her I was okay with the new terms and plowed her good.</b><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Bravo. Seriously. You followed that cardinal rule that should be applied whenever you are faced with ready, willing, and available box…you asked, “WWLBD (What would Legbreaker do?)”…and you smashed. Good sh*t. Such wisdom is rare, bro. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> So, if after reading all that you’re still dead set on getting rid of your f*ckbuddy, I have a time tested method that should work for you. Normally, letting your f*ckbuddy know that your junk is off limits should do the trick…but it sounds like efforts thus far have been about as effective as a broken rubber.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> The truth shall set you free...honest. Bro, sometimes we need to answer the tough questions instead of shying away from them. If you’re hanging out with a girl that doesn’t do it for you anymore, you should go out of your way to remind her that she if she asks a question that you don’t want to answer, she should expect an answer she doesn’t want to hear. Let me give you a hypothetical:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore:</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> What are you thinking about?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">You:</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Beth.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore:</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Who?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> You:</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Beth, the girl whose face I picture when we’re f*cking.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore:</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> What? You think about other women when we’re f*cking? *sobs*</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">You:</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Not all the time…sometimes I think about hardware, or Taco Bravo, or how long it will be until you leave.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Girl you don’t want to f*ck anymore:</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> But...*still sobbing*</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">You:</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Look, its not you, it me. I’m the one that can’t keep a hard-on without thinking how happy I’ll be once you finally go home. You have absolutely nothing to do with it. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">You:</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> I’m really glad we had this talk. Just so you know, I hope we can still be friends…the kind of friends that don’t ever see or call each other. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> If that doesn’t get rid of her, consult an exorcist. </span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-74685294707783451782009-02-19T14:12:00.000-08:002009-02-19T14:18:21.926-08:00Dear Legbreaker, as you might recall I broke up with a ex about 7 months ago<span style="background-color: yellow;"></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">Dear Legbreaker, </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> As you might recall I broke up with a ex about 7 months ago and you gave me great advice on how to pick up on a lot of b***hes (that advice was definitely put to use ) Anyways I have a new girlfriend now and I really like this girl a lot. We have a ton in common, listens to the same music, shes a Portuguese like me, sharks AND a niners fan but the best of all is that she has big titties. Problem with my little lady is that I feel like she hasn't "awakened the beast" just yet. She loves to get it on, but how do I make her take that extra step to kinkiness?</span><br /> <br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> Your fellow metal head,</span><br /> <br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> Nick</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Nick, </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Thanks for writing. I’m glad to hear that you’ve been putting the wisdom to work…and even happier to hear that it’s working for you. Just to make sure that I have all of the bases covered, you say your new girl is a metalhead, a Sharks fan, a Niners fan, and she has big t*ts. Jumpin’ Jeezus on a pogo stick, amigo, it sound like you hit the mother lode! </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> And now to your question…it’s a common one, bro. Awakening the inner f*ckpuppet in a woman can be a daunting challenge, especially early in the relationship. Fortunately for you, I have dealt with a few “challenging” women in my day, and have some experience on the matter. While no method is 100% effective, any of the suggestions I am about to make, or some combination thereof should get the job done. Here we go:</span><br /> <br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> The Hi-Ho Silver:</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> The move is simple, really. There are three things you must have if this will work: a firm grip, a girl that’s down with doggy, and has long hair…the longer, the better. Now, once you’ve established a solid rhythm, slowly slide your hands up her back, and say something appropriate (i.e. “whose p*ssy is this?”; “I love you, baby…now admit you’re my f*cktoy”; etc.). Next, wrap her hair around your hand, and yanks back on that sh*t until she whinnies like a motherf*ckin’ thoroughbred. You will definitely find out how freaky she is…or how hard she can hit. For those of you out there thinking of trying this…if you’re down with the big b*tches, you’d better make sure your girl is a good sport before you give this one a go.</span><br /><br /> <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">The Jack Horner (or the Oil Check):</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> This one is easy, too. But be warned…it takes nerves of steel, a sense of adventure, and a little sadism. Get her on her hands and knees, and start hittin’ it from behind. Once the rhythm is solid, start kneading her @sscheeks like pizza dough. This should result in a soft, but audible, “Ooooh!” Now, slowly slide your hand over her @sscrack…and with one smooth, even motion, shove your thumb in her @ss, and sing the following nursery rhyme: “Little Jack Horner sat in a corner tapping his girlfriend’s pie. He stuck in his thumb and made the b*tch cum and said yum, yum, yum, what a good boy am I!” This will cause your girl get her freak on…guaranteed. If, for some strange reason, your girl decides to maim you with a sharp metal object, Legbreaker, Legbreaker Industries, and all things Legbreaker shall be without fault in a very real, and legally legitimate sense.</span><br /> <br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Now, my friend, go forth and awaken the beast! And be sure to keep me posted on your progress. And above all else, blow your cheez in her grill…trust me, she’ll love it.</span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-2788433983382657152008-12-22T19:05:00.000-08:002008-12-22T19:31:56.826-08:00Dear Legbreaker, I met this chick in class...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker, </span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">I met this chick in class at the beginning of the semester, and we've been studying together. She invited me over to her house to study, and some guy answered the door. Ouch. We ended up studying, and I just figured that we'd be friends. Then we met one day for lunch, and she tells me she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Apparently this isn't the first time. At this point she bursts in to tears and gives me a big hug. Tells me she hates him and is never going to see him again.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">She has been flirting with me, big time. She compliments me on my clothes, my smell, and my body. I compliment her back, tell her how smart and pretty she is...etc. She hugs me, sometimes hard and passionate, sometimes more gentle and "friendly". We talk about politics and agree on most everything. She touches my arms flirtatiously, plays with hair when we're sitting together, pats my leg...etc.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">So, we are out with a bunch of people the other night. We get really drunk and she offers to me stay at her place "on her couch". On her couch? WTF? So we go back to her place and, true to her word, fixes up the couch for me. Yay. She apparently wasn't interested in having me in her bed so I didn't press the issue. Now she says I'm her best friend, and that she is really glad we met. She hugs me and cries sometimes, saying that she doesn't know what she'd do without me.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Anyway, what do you make of this girl? Is she just not into me? Is she just scared about getting into a relationship after this messy breakout with her boyfriend of 7 years? Is there any hope getting out of "best friend" territory and into her panties? Not that I'm just looking for that, mind you, but it would be nice. I'm really f**king confused by this chick. Moreso than with a lot of other chicks. I'm not sure how hard to press because of the sensitivity of her situation. I need some advice. This is f*cking with my head. </span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Help me!</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">-Slothrop</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Dear Slothrop, </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I feel your pain. Really. She's hot, kinda flirty, and you want to park the beef bus in tuna town. Who wouldn't?Now...after reading everything you've written, I have identified a few of the more pertinent red flags:</span><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">1) She tells me she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Apparently this isn't the first time. At this point she bursts in to tears and gives me a big hug. Tells me she hates him and is never going to see him again.</span></strong><br /><strong><br /></strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">There is a thin line between love and hate...and a friggin' brick wall between friend and f*ckbuddy. She may hate him now...but wait until the batteries in her vibrator die. She'll be gobbling his junk like a bum on a Big Mac. Hugs are for "friends". If she had burst into tears, then started giving you a hummer, you wouldn't have much to worry about. The hug is a dark omen, though.</span><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">2) She compliments me on my clothes, my smell, and my body. I compliment her back, tell her how smart and pretty she is...etc. She hugs me, sometimes hard and passionate, sometimes more gentle and "friendly". We talk about politics and agree on most everything. She touches my arms flirtatiously, plays with hair when we're sitting together, pats my leg...etc.</span></strong><br /><strong><br /></strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">Understand...by complimenting a woman you have yet to dehumanize...you are essentially cockblocking yourself. You see...the "complimenting friend" is an asexual being. In her eyes, he is persona non-nookie. This, my friend, is bad f*cking jenga…and most definitely NOT where you want to be. You must also understand that her flirty touching and leg pats are similar to the directions one gets on Google maps. Just follow the f*cking signs, and you are home free. Her flirty arm rub is chick speak for "please destroy my @ss and pop your wad in my face". Seriously. </span><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">3) We get really drunk and she offers to me stay at her place "on her couch". On her couch? WTF? So we go back to her place and, true to her word, fixes up the couch for me. Yay. She apparently wasn't interested in having me in her bed so I didn't press the issue.</span></strong><br /><strong><br /></strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">Ugh. You were really drunk, and she said you could stay at her house. Hm...I wonder, what she was thinking? Care for a hint? She was thinking, "I sure wish Slothrop would scramble my ovaries". Word to the wise...when you walk up to the door...you should at least take the time to knock. Translation: Next time you are "sleeping on her couch" ask her if she's ever had her hips dislocated. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">And now for the answers to your questions:</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>1) What do you make of this girl? Is she just not into me? Is she just scared about getting into a relationship after this messy breakout with her boyfriend of 7 years? </strong></span><br /><p><span style="color:#ff0000;">I think this girl is just like every other girl. She has a vagina. This makes her insane. That’s not always a bad thing, though. Understand that there's no controlling this...but you can learn to tolerate it if the payout is steady.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>2) Is there any hope getting out of "best friend" territory and into her panties?</strong> </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Yes!!! There is hope. What you must do is simple:</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">1) Drop your pants, and look down. Do you have a penis? Good. Start acting like it. This girl is not out for a "relationship". She wants you to f*ck her brains out. She does not want to hear "I love you"...she wants to feel like she can get some action after getting tossed aside by her boyfriend (who, by the way, treated her like s**t...and still has her thinking about him). </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">2) Stop complimenting her. Now. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">3) Be a wise@ss. Make fun of stupid little sh*t that you know she pays attention to…hair, nails, clothes, whatever. Just keep her off balance. This will make you "intriguing".</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">4) The next time she calls, let it go to voicemail.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">5) The next time she wants to hang out...tell her you have plans. DO NOT ELABORATE.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">6) When you see her next, think of it this way: She is the rebound, and you are Dennis Rodman...go get that sh*t.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">7) When you do finally hang out with her, be late, unapologetic, and ready to take action with you get the green light. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">8) The next time she touches your arm, move your hand to her waist. </span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">9) As always...when step 8 leads you where it ought to...blow your cheez in her grill. Trust me, she'll love it. </span></p>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-24725545994773390822008-12-03T09:35:00.000-08:002008-12-03T09:52:03.344-08:00Dear Legbreaker, f*ck me, I asked this chick I barely knew for 2 days...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker, </span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">F*ck me, I asked this chick I barely knew for 2 days out because I thought she was cute. So we are hanging out and I realize that she's not my type and that she's a nice girl so I don't wanna lead her on for some coochie and hurt her feelings later. The f*cked up sh*t is that we did couple stuff yesterday like holding hands and cuddling (gay) and all that s**t. So now I have a few days to tell her that we should remain friends only. I am also stuck seeing her twice a week now. F*ck I am stupid. What do I do now? </span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">-Anonymous</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Dear Anonymous, </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Hey there bro...sounds like you have the kind of problem that I specialize in. Just to make sure that I have it all straight, I'll restate the problem: You started dating a chick from work, and now you are looking for a way out. Sound about right? Good. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Before getting to your best option, there are a few elements to your story that I find a litte troubling:</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>1) So we are hanging out and I realize that she's not my type.</strong> So, um...how is she not your type? Is her vagina functional? She has two t*ts, three holes and a heartbeat, doesn't she? Unless your answer here is that she has a fat @ss, one t*t or a f*cked up grill, I think you need to re-examine your priorities, amigo.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>2) She's a nice girl so I don't wanna lead her on for some coochie and hurt her feelings later.</strong> Um...why? You understand what your p*nis is used for, don't you? There are men in the world that will never get within sniffing distance of a vagina, and here you are, turning one down. Shame on you. Remember: A vagina is a terrible thing to waste...when it's attached to a smashable piece of tail anyway. That's like turning down pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving! Are you hungry? F*ck no! You are so f*cking stuffed, you can't even move. But you take the pie anyway...and you grin your @ss off, too. Take the pie bro. Top it with some Cool Whip. Then f*ck the sh*t out of it.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>3) The f*cked up sh*t is that we did couple stuff yesterday like holding hands and cuddling (gay) and all that s**t.</strong> You cuddled with her and held hands *before* you got in her pants? And you have no intention of getting in her pants anyway? Ugh. You understand that cuddling and handholding are essential elements in the emotional blackmail required to conquer the average piece of p*ssy, right? Don't put that sh*t on the table until you are negotiating frequency, duration and variety! Sadly, you may have already poisoned the well for further negotiation. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">And now I will address the solution to your problem. First things first, all men know that the first cardinal rule of finding cooch to conquer is that you should do it in someone else's sandbox. Translation: do not dip your pen in the company ink. This, however, does not apply to you...because you've already signed for it...on credit...with a no refund or exchange policy. Christ on a cracker, you are in deep. You have but one option. Friend, you must smash. Whether you like her or not, take delivery and crush that sh*t. Then plan your exit. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I know what you're thinking: "But Legbreaker, how do I plan my exit once we've f*cked?" I'm glad you asked! There are two that work well...and I shall list both for you:</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>1) Personal Tragedy:</strong> If you want a girl to go away after you've hit it, but you can't bring yourself to say it, this is the solution for you. Stop f*cking her. Immediately. Act a little distant. Answer a few calls in front of her...then take them in private. Sooner or later, she'll ask what's up...and that is when you drop the bomb: My Mom/Dad/Brother/Sister/Grandma/Grandpa/Dog/Hamster/Goldfish is terminally ill/was abducted by aliens/ was hit by a truck/ has six months to live, etc. It should go something like this:<br /><br /></span><span style="color:#ff0000;"><em>Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: You’ve been acting strange…what’s the matter?<br /><br />Anonymous: My hamster was involved in an accident yesterday.<br /><br />Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: You have a hamster?<br /><br />Anonymous: Uh, yeah…but he lives with my parents…in another state…really far away from this one.<br /><br />Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Oh. What happened?<br /><br />Anonymous: A pack of rabid gerbils sexually assaulted him. In the @ss. It doesn’t look like he’s going to make it.<br /><br />Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: What can I do?<br /><br />Anonymous: Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do. I just need some time to compose myself. I am so heartbroken.<br /><br />Anonymous: I really like you…a lot. I just can’t give you what you need with the heartbreak that I am going through right now.<br /><br />Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: But…<br /><br />Anonymous: Oh, you are so sweet. That’s what I like about you. I could really use a friend right now.<br /><br />Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Okay, but…<br /><br />Anonymous: Awesome. Thanks for understanding. I’ll call you next week. Maybe.<br /></em><br /><strong>2) Come to Jesus:</strong> If you are unworried about going to hell, or, you already know that you're f*cked in the afterlife anyway, this one's the ticket. Tell her that you have recently "found Jesus", and that J wants you to re-examine what you’ve been doing with your gigglestick. State that you will be practicing celibacy in order to keep your mind clear so you can create a better relationship with your Lord and Savior...then watch as she walks (or runs) away. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Hope those help, bro...and good luck. You're going to need it. </span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-89951683241744852452008-11-25T10:11:00.000-08:002008-11-25T10:12:57.271-08:00Dearest Legbreaker...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dearest Legbreaker,</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Simply put, how do you prevent premature ejaculation?<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />AC</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Dear AC,<br /><br />Thanks for writing…especially about such a serious issue.<br /><br />Right now, there are men in the world who have never known the joy of blowing their cheez in a random tramp’s grill. You might think that these men can’t spit game, or perhaps that they are incapable of finding the cooter…but the sad fact is that the majority of these guys are unable to make it to the grill. Can you think of anything more tragic?<br /><br />Fortunately, it is possible to cure the “unintentional misfire”. There are three methods that will keep you from squeezing of a round sooner than you want to:<br /><br /><strong>The ESPN:</strong> Are you a sports fan? If so, this is the “unintentional misfire” management tool for you. First things first, you’ve got to brush up on your sports trivia. Then, you have to indentify a hoochie to hammer. Now that you’re ready to get freaky, you can effectively employ “the ESPN”. When you feel the urge to pop your wad, ask yourself a sports question (in your head…we don’t want your hoochie thinking you’re a f*cking nutbar). If you’re a fatty from the Midwest, maybe it’s a bowling question. If you’re a stud from the left coast, maybe it’s a piece of 49er trivia. As you can see, effective employment of this technique can go on for hours, depending on how many sports you’re into. The most important aspect of this method is the finale, which consists of blowing cheez in your hoochie’s grill, spiking a football on her @ss, doing the Merton Hanks “chicken dance”, and screaming “Touchdown!” at the top of your lungs.<br /><br /><strong>The Pipe Cleaner:</strong> Not into sports? Pathetic. But since there is an existing, however small number of you who cannot employ “the ESPN”, I humbly present “the Pipe Cleaner”. The premise is simple enough…wait until about two hours before you are expected to drop the hammer, and just fap, fap fap your way to more staying power. Timing is everything here, fellas…clean the pipes to early, and you’ll already have a round chambered when the magic happens…clean the pipes to late, and your hoochie hammer will be rockin’ more flop than the Italian National Soccer Team. It doesn’t matter if you can flip your sh*t around like Bruce Lee in “Enter the Dragon”, either…because if you’re rockin’ the flop, the panties won’t drop.<br /><br /><strong>The Barbara Bush:</strong> I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Legbreaker, what if I don’t know how long it will be before I hit it, or if I blank on all of my sports knowledge in the face of some seriously ridicul-@ss, or some titani-t*tties?” Don’t trip, homie…I have got you covered like a jimmy hat. For the times when you’re caught in an @ss avalanche or a t*tty tornado, I recommend the Barbara Bush. How does it work? Glad you asked. When you’re about to bathe your ho of the moment in baby batter, simply picture Barbara Bush...naked. How’s that for a splooey stopper? Caution: keep the image in your head just long enough to kill the urge to skeet. Think of it too long, and you could permanently impair your ability to unleash the beast. You have been warned.<br /><br /><br /> Hopefully these suggestions will stave off the dreaded “unintentional misfire”. Be wary…if these can’t keep you free of the premature skeet-skeet, you are in need of more help than I am qualified to provide.<br /></span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-21549167968698522592008-11-25T10:02:00.000-08:002008-12-03T09:34:56.970-08:00There are certain things that I have yet to figure out about women...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker,</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">There are certain things that I have yet to figure out about women...so here's one for you, bro. As I'm sure that plenty of inquiringminds would like to know...Question: How do you get an "inexperienced" chick to try "backdoor love"?I have a new chick that will do everything from handcuffs to blindfolds to paddles(leather AND wooden) and even a lil PDA (that's "public displays of affection", fellas, but not just kissing and hugging)I can say "It only hurts in the beginning" so many times...I've tried a lil alcohol (no chloroform yet though)...the seal on a new bottle of KY has yet to be broken.Problem is that her V-gap is about the size of the hole in a Lifesaver...a few problems there in the beginning - but you know my motto...If it don't fit, Force it!...to add, her A-gap is even smaller (how does this woman take a crap, seriously?) I'm not sure if it's even possible for her to take the manhammer down the dookie-shoot Your thoughts? </span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Thanks, </span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Gigs</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Dear Gig,<br /><br />First things first, congrats on the new girl. Everything from handcuffs to blindfolds encompasses a mountain of seriously perverse sh*t…I am proud of you!<br /><br />Your question is one that has boggled mankind since the dawn of time: How to open the back door?<br /><br />When analyzing potential approaches to this situation, it is vital to understand that resistance is usually based on one of three factors: Fear, moral hang-ups, or outright bitchiness. While each of the aforementioned can be difficult to deal with, keep your chin up…because all of them can be overcome.<br /><br />There are a couple of methods for effectively penetrating the A-gap. Remember…what I am about to break down for you here will work…at least once and under the right circumstances, anyway.<br /><br /><strong>“Surprise!” (Also called the Jack-in-the-Box) Technique:</strong> In order to pull off the surprise technique, you have to be fast…and have a pre-planned escape route. In order to set the table for the surprise technique; you should get your girl in the mood…a little champagne, some chocolate covered strawberries, and a little Barry White/Al Green/Marvin Gaye pumping in the background for good measure. Once you think she’s ready, start to slow dance with her. Your conversation should go something like this:<br /><br /></span><span style="color:#ff0000;"><em>Gig: I have a surprise for you, baby.<br /><br />Her: Ooh! Really? I love surprises!<br /><br />Gig: Well you’ll love this then… but I need you to get on your hands & knees and close your eyes.<br /><br />Her: What? Why?<br /><br />Gig: If I told you, it would ruin the surprise.<br /><br />Her: Hmmm. Okay. **Closes eyes and drops**<br /><br />Gig: You ready baby? Here it comes…SURPRISE!</em><br /><br />Coincidentally, this is why this method is also called the “Jack-in-the-Box” Technique. It will result in either a squeal of joy followed by clapping and laughter, or a terror filled shriek and uncontrollable crying (and potentially, an vengeful swipe at your cojones). Risky? Sure. But if you do the cost/benefit, you will realize that you come out the winner every time…if she likes it, you’re golden. If not, you have weeded an unwilling philly outta your stable of hoes.<br /><br /><strong>Straight Talk Express:</strong> If you want to get your girl on board the straight talk express, you will need two things: a heartless friend in the medical field that owes you a favor, and a girl that’s sharp as a marble. This conversation is best set over drinks. Specifically, it is best set over 5 double extra dry vodka martinis (stupidity alone might not get the job done…but stupidity and alcohol are a winner every time):<br /><br /></span><span style="color:#ff0000;"><em>Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: So, I was reading something pretty disturbing in the AMA Journal today.<br /><br />Gig: Really? What’s up, bro?<br /><br />Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Apparently, colon cancer rates have been skyrocketing in female Pacific Islanders.<br /><br />Gig: Shut the f*ck up!<br /><br />Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: No joke, man. Apparently they have less anal sex than any other demographic segment.<br /><br />Her: I don’t know why any chick would give up the @ss. On the real.<br /><br />Gig: **sigh**<br /><br />Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Well, then I hope you know a good anal oncologist, because your’re on the @ss cancer express, sweetheart.<br /><br />Her: Oh no! Are you sure?<br /><br />Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: I’m in the medical field…we know EVERYTHING…especially about @ss cancer.<br /><br />Her: What can I do to lower my risk?<br /><br />Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Well…you could increase your lycopene intake, eat more fibrous foods, and get your @ss destroyed at least once a day.<br /><br />Her: What?<br /><br />Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Preliminary studies show that women who give up the @ss have a significantly lower chance of contracting @ss cancer.<br /><br />Gig: **slips friend a $50 bill under the table**<br /><br />Her: Gig, will you wreck my @ss later?<br /><br />Gig: I don’t know…you seemed a little reluctant before…<br /><br />Her: But that was before the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic! I need your help! Please?<br /><br />Gig: Well, if it means that I keep you safe from the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic…I’ll do it. But only because I care.<br /></em><br />As you can see…booze and an uncommonly high level of stupidity are required to pull this one off…but unlike the surprise technique, this one should keep you A-gap friendly for a while. Or until one of her friends looks up the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic on Web MD.<br /><br /><br />Well, amigo…I hope these suggestions help. Keep in mind that conquest of the female @ss is a rare and beautiful thing. When coupled with blowing your cheez in her grill, there isn’t a more heartfelt, sincere way of saying, “I’m really only using you for sex…and sorry about getting it in your eye.”</span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-37253714545627898732008-04-28T11:58:00.000-07:002008-04-28T16:52:34.235-07:00Dear Legbreaker, I have a bit of a dilemma...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker,<br /><br />I have a bit of a dilemma. One fateful day, I saw a video on youtube of randy couture choking out this girl on a radio show. Well being the curious fellow I am...the next time I was playing Dr. Goodlove with my girl, I wrapped my arm around her carotid and boom…lights out. The distorted look on her face and the piss in her pants was a huge turn on and now I am plagued by a new fetish…and a conflict of interest.<br /><br />Needless to say my girlfriend isn't into it. Am I a sick-o or is she just unreasonable?<br /><br />- Train Guy</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Train guy,<br /><br />While I can understand urges that some would call “adventurous”, this one might be a bit over the top. Don’t get me wrong…anyone with a penis will agree that there are times that the urge to choke out one’s girl can be pretty f*cking strong.<br /><br />Unfortunately, following up on that urge will usually land your @ss in prison. You’ll probably still get kinky sex in the slam…but odds are it will be the kind that involves you wearing a wig, skirt, and clear heels.<br /><br />Since you’ve probably got better things to do than get dehumanized by a 350 lb. member of the Aryan Nation nicknamed “Buttmugger” and simultaneously changing your name to “b*tchboy”, let’s discuss some alternatives to choking your girlfriend until she passes out and pisses her pants. Sound good?<br /><br />The following alternatives should assuage your hunger for perversion, and keep you out of the slam to boot:<br /><br /><strong>1) THE FOUR BAGGER:</strong> If you’re a baseball fan, you’ll love this one. As your girl is gobbling your goods, wait until you’re about to pop your wad, then pull your gigglestick back like you would a bat, and swing for the fences. While she’s reeling from the c*ckslap, you circle the bases…and play that sh*t up. Point to the sky ala Barry Bonds, go one flap down like Geoffrey Leonard, or beat on your chest and throw out peace signs like Sammy Sosa. When you reach home, blow your cheez in her grill, and give her a high five.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>2) THE BUCKIN’ BRONCO:</strong> Like Westerns?? Awesome...because you are in for a wild ride, buckaroo! Get your girl on top, reverse cowgirl style…and tell her that she’s almost as good a lay as her best friend. Then hang on for dear life while humming the theme to Bonanza. If she manages to get away, chase her around the house with a lasso while wearing a white 10-gallon hat. </span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">In addition to being really fun, both of the above mentioned alternatives are also legal. So, while you might still p*ss off your girl, you will not end up playing twister with the “welcome to prison committee” while doing a nickel in Attica. </span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-30976710939818024792008-04-16T08:55:00.000-07:002008-04-16T15:24:20.380-07:00Dear Legbreaker, my friend was with this girl for 2 years, almost at the engagement/marriage stage of their relationship...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker,</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">My friend was with this girl for 2 years, almost at the engagement/marriage stage of their relationship. She was going on a trip to NY to meet up with her brother for something, but when she comes back a week later, she goes to take a shower right away and my friend picks up her clothes. He finds a bunch of receipts in the pockets of her jeans (don't know if that's invasion of privacy, because they were in her freaking jeans) but they were all from Florida... Soon he found out how she was sleeping with someone else behind his back, and his heart literally fell out of his chest for like 3 months. He's back to his pimpin ways now, but he is a different person; he doesn't trust any of the chicks he's picking up. I'm 20, nothing like this has happened to me yet, but was wondering...should I expect it?</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Thanks, </span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Method</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Method, </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The short answer is...yes. You can most definitely expect it to happen to you. Along with all sorts of other really crazy sh*t. You've got to be prepared. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">How do you prepare for sh*t like this? By talking to someone who has already been through it...like me. I try to liken my past experiences to non-threatening, even comical things. When it comes to women, I like to think of them as Barbies. Trust me on this...it works. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Basically, most women are insane. They will lie to you, cheat on you, and in general do all sorts of random sh*t that will make you feel like jumping off a bridge. Why, you ask? Bro, there are some questions that cannot be answered. All a man can do is make the best of a f*cked up situation.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Let's use my experience as an example: if all the women I've screwed were Barbies...what kind of Barbie would they be? In the space between waking and sleeping, I've often found myself wondering this very thing. Laura? Kim? Donna? Josie? Sarah? Sonia? Marcy? All of the others? Read on, amigo.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">***Important Editors Note: There are some categories that refer to more than one girl, but for the sake of succinct, to the point reporting, and in order to protect the anonymity of the innocent, they have not ALL been listed in individual categories...I've got to get SOME work done today***</span></strong><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>1)"80's Cheerleader" Barbie:</strong> Comes complete with pom poms, big hair, aqua net, tons of make up, Reebok athletic shoes with that cheesy Velcro strap, tight jeans with little zippers at the ankle, and a burnt, scratched, smashed Sadie Hawkins Dance picture that she'll mail to you after you realize what a tramp she is and break up with her so you can date her really hot friend.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>2)"Future crack ho" Barbie:</strong> This little number comes complete with a bright green leather miniskirt, strappy spike heels, a tube top, bright pink lipstick, bleach blonde hair, a nickel bag labeled "gateway drug", and a brass proto pipe that she will hurl at you after you realize what a tramp she is and break up with her to date this really hot chick from the drama club.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>3) The "first girl I ever kissed" Barbie:</strong> She comes with a shitty little Volkswagen rabbit, an Annie Lennox hairdo, big cans (where did those come from?), a killer smile, and an alternate personality that she'll keep hidden until you realize that she sucks in bed and dump her to avoid having your unit chewed off during her next painfully average attempt at a blow job.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>4)"Secret Tramp" Barbie:</strong> This Barbie is your mom's friend's daughter. She looks like she could be hot, but always wears baggy clothes, so you can't really tell. Then your mom makes you take her to a Depeche Mode concert at Shoreline, and she dresses like she just got the lead in a porno flick. Then she jumps your bones so hard that you can't walk for a week. It all seems great until you're forced to dump her when you realize that this crazy bitch will threaten you with a f*cking butcher knife if you even talk to another girl.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>5)"Amazon" Barbie:</strong> This Barbie has legs that are longer than you, a backside that won't quit, and is the sexual equivalent of Godzilla in the sack. She comes complete with a giant bottle of lube, an econo pack of Trojans, a porn collection bigger than yours and a Norplant birth control device. She also comes with "Old rich fucker" Ken doll, who drives a Ferrari, and after 3 years and expensive engagement ring, she'll dump you to become his trophy girlfriend.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>6)"Stiffler's Mom" Barbie:</strong> She comes with a leopard print skin tight spandex top, a brand new jag, a really hot daughter 2 years younger than you, fake D cups that look like volleyballs, and an ass that you could play quarters on. Unlike other Barbies, she'll only screw Ken's little brother.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>7)"How drunk was I?" Barbie:</strong> She comes with a bottle of Bacardi, a third story apartment, and a great personality. She varies in appearance, but will usually have some glaring physical flaw like a huge f*cking nose, tank ass, snaggletooth, or a moustache. The more you drink, the hotter she gets. After nearly breaking your leg on the stairs to her place in your early morning escape, your question to your friends is "Why did you let me do that? Why?"</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>8)"Is anybody looking?" Barbie:</strong> See "How drunk was I?" Barbie. This Barbie is essentially the same, minus the alcohol. If any of your friends find out, you will never live this one down. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>9)"Only 19 and already in a 12-Step Program" Barbie:</strong> She comes with a 6 month Sobriety Chip, a lifetime supply of Marlboro Lights, the most beautiful face you have ever seen, a rig worthy of Playboy, and enough psychological problems to give Charles Manson nightmares. She's peaches and cream until she dumps you to date a coke dealer from her AA meetings. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>10)"Sorority Tramp" Barbie:</strong> She comes complete with a Delta Zeta, Chi Omega, Kappa Delta, Alpha Phi, Delta Gamma, or Alpha Omicron Pi sweatshirt, a sharpie that you can use to autograph the bottom of the couch/piano/table in the living room of her sorority house after you bang her, and a reputation about as pure as the water in a sewage treatment facility. Better have that penicillin shot handy, bro...you're going to need it.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>11)"That hot chick from high school" Barbie:</strong> She comes with a 5 year old yearbook, a plastic smile, and a great rack. She was hot in high school, but she's even hotter in college. She's great until you have to dump her because she is about as exciting as a vasectomy in the sack and she slashes your tires, sticks a knife in the door to your apartment, and stalks you for a year.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>12)"Jewish Princess" Barbie:</strong> She comes with a great rack, a killer personality, more diamonds than f*cking DeBeers, and a father who hates you because you're Catholic. The only reason that she's even dating you is because you are an Art Major, and she wants to piss off her parents. She's a monster in the sack, and a lot of fun to be around until she dumps you to date this cheesy asshole that just started his own plastic surgery practice in LA.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>13) "What the f*ck was I thinking?" Barbie:</strong> She comes complete with a shitty attitude, a blue Ford Probe, multiple personalities and a sexual appetite that is absolutely ridiculous...until you make the biggest f*cking mistake of your life and marry the crazy b*tch. Only then do you find out about her aversion to sunlight, allergies to garlic, holy water and silver, and her need to suck your lifeblood out of you at every available opportunity. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>14) "Hot MILF from the Gym" Barbie:</strong> She's got a killer smile, a fucking amazing voice, great eyes, and her rack is insane...but so are her kids. She's a seriously good time until she gives you the "I hope you're ready for a family in which you provide all of the income" speech...after which you change your phone number, e-mail address, and tell her that you are off to explore the depth of your faith in a Buddhist Monastery in Tibet.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>15)"Korean Hottie" Barbie:</strong> She comes with a great rack, a bottle of soju (The Devil's Nectar) and a really annoying voice. She's a banshee in the sack, but her voice is enough to make you pray for a stroke. </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>16) "Chemically Imbalanced" Barbie:</strong> This Barbie is the be all end all of everything you ever could have wanted...until you realize that you had no f*cking clue what you wanted when you met her. After a week with this f*cking nutbar, find yourself looking to overdose on Zoloft while simultaneously committing Japanese ritual suicide and driving your car off of a bridge.</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Well, that's the short list. After reading it, I guess it’s a good thing that all of the chicks I've screwed aren't Barbies...who the hell would go to Toys R Us for that crap?</span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Anyway...it will be one hell of a ride. The only thing you can do is take the good with the bad, always wear your wetsuit, and remember that even a crazy b*tch is better than no b*tch at all.<br /></span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-66145387565330725402008-04-13T09:42:00.000-07:002008-04-13T09:50:10.315-07:00Dear Legbreaker, I am currently talking to a few different girls...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker, <br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">I am currently talking to a few different girls and I find myself in uncharted waters. I have never dated more than one girl at a time. I am up front with them and let them know that I'm not interested in being anyone's boyfriend right now, but I have been around long enough to know that reason and estrogen blend together like Farrakhan and a KKK social. So my question is this. How do I get Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of sex (minus the Glenn Close part) without the Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of consequences? <br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Sincerely,<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Michael Douglas</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">MD,<br /><br />Thanks for writing! Uncharted waters, huh? Dating multiple women is something every man must do at one point in his life...but finding one’s way to the box & boobs buffet can be pretty f*cking mixed bag, amigo. There is inherent danger in dating more than one woman at a time…but if you carefully analyze the situation, you’ll see that there is one motherf*cker of an upside. Sounds like it’s time to employ one of the most basic risk management techniques there is: The Cost/Benefit Analysis.<br /><br />As I see it, the potential costs are as follows:<br /><br />1) Potential for Penile Amputation and/or Castration.<br />2) Potential Bankruptcy (everyone pays for it…there is no such thing as a free lunch…or free cooter).<br />3) Increased potential for paternity issues (friends don’t let friends play without a helmet).<br /><br /><br />And now for the benefits:<br /><br />1) Tits…lots and lots of tits.<br />2) Increased odds of nailing the “hat trick” (3 women…one day. Live the dream, amigo…live the dream).<br /><br />If you can afford it, and make sure that your f*ckpuppets don’t find out about each other, you are in for more fun (and exhaustion) than you can shake a box of rubbers at.<br /><br />And now to your question: How do I get Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of sex (minus the Glenn Close part) without the Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of consequences?<br /><br />Answer: You don’t. That’s right, bro…you don’t. Which brings me to the second most basic risk management technique there is: The Risk/Reward Trade-off. Remember this: If she’s crazy in the sack, the b*tch is probably whack. Essentially, you have to weigh the benefit of getting f*cked into a coma against the risk of being shot/stabbed/slashed into a coma. If you have a penis, then you know the answer…of course it’s worth the risk! Severe bodily injury is nothing when it comes to the potential for world class cooch.<br /><br />Happy humping, amigo!</span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-56201798505490548652008-03-13T09:38:00.000-07:002008-03-14T18:31:14.696-07:00Dear Legbreaker, what's the point of arguing with a woman?<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker,<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">What's the point of arguing with a woman? I'm pretty strong minded and sometimes stubborn, so I tend to make points in my arguments, etc. If I win the argument, I'm happy for a second...but begging for some poontang pie later is a threat to my manhood(The horniness blinds your manhood). If I lose an argument, she's happy, but I feel like I let my male species down with another chalked loss. ''This is a mmmmmmmmaan world! yeoow ! Hit me!'' It's a lose-lose situation. Question is , how do I make her forgive me (I'm not excluding p***y waif stuff this time).<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Thanks,<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Tony<br /></span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Tony,<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">*sigh*<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Its simple, bro. Really simple. Just agree with her. Sounds easy, doesn't it?<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The fact is...if you are involved in an argument, you have played some part in creating it. In order to defuse an argument, employ lesson 1 from Argument 101: Agree with your opponent.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Example:<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>Her:</strong> <em>You are such an @sshole. </em><br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>You:</strong> <em>You are right, baby...I am an @sshole</em>.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>**and this is where you qualify your agreement**</strong><br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>You:</strong> <em>And that is exactly what you love about me</em>.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>Her:</strong> <em>Wha...um... well, uh.</em>..<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>***And this is where you justify your qualification, and issue your rebuttal***</strong><br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>You:</strong> <em>If I stopped being an @sshole, you'd get bored, go look for some "bad boy", get your heart trampled, and pick up a "nice guy" on the rebound who will be about as entertaining as the second season of "Charles in Charge".</em><br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>Her:</strong> <em>Well..</em>.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>You:</strong> <em>So, if you think about it, you've got it pretty good right now, don't you?</em><br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>Her:</strong> Well, I...<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>You:</strong> <em>Lets shave your box, then f*ck ourselves to sleep.</em><br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>Her:</strong> <em>Okay.</em><br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Argument over. You get l@id, and no one's feelings get hurt. Everybody wins.</span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-2780294893988695352008-03-06T10:50:00.000-08:002008-03-06T11:05:05.092-08:00Dear Legbreaker,I was recently in a minor auto accident...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker, <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">I was recently in a minor auto accident. When the other driver got out of her car, she had this stuffy librarian look about her. Then when we exchanged information, I got a good look at her driver’s license photo, and that picture gave the impression that there might be a goer behind the glasses, sweater, and long skirt. Rather than going through the whole insurance route, I was wondering if there were any other options for reimbursement. Perhaps there is a cheez in her grill approach that can be pursued. How do I broach this subject? How much can I get out of her, is asking for the backdoor too much for a bumper? How do I then get her to pay for my car repairs? And is this considered cheating, or is it just reimbursement for pain and suffering?<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Thanks for your help.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Sincerely,<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Fast and the Furious<br/></span><br /><br />Hey there Fast, <br/><br /><br />Sorry about your car…that’s gotta suck, bro. Your situation is an interesting one, nonetheless. There are a few aspects that I think deserve further investigation…<br/><br /><br /><strong>1) She had this stuffy librarian look about her.</strong> The stuffy librarian type…hmmmm. Nothing says, “pound my @ss” like pair of glasses, a high neckline, and an ankle length skirt. Be careful though…stuffy, straight-laced types are a lot like trick-or-treating in a sh*tty neighborhood…you never really know what you’ll end up with. You might get a crack laced Snickers Bar, or a bomb @ss homemade popcorn ball…ya never know. Tread with caution my friend. She might be docile...and she might not. The last thing you want is to end up lashed to baby's bed with leather restraints while she comes at you with a vibrating strap on the size of a chainsaw.<br/><br /><strong>2) I got a good look at her driver’s license photo.</strong> She actually looked good in a driver’s license photo? Wow. Common sense dictates…you’ve got to at least look under the hood. If you like what you see, then by all means, rev that sh*t up and see how fast it goes. <br/><br /><strong>3) I was wondering if there were any other options for reimbursement. How do I broach this subject?</strong> Hm. It’s obvious that you’re due some sort of compensation here. I have a hypothetical situation here for you. As I see it, the conversation should go something like this:<br/><br /><strong>Her:</strong> <em>So, how much do you think I owe you?<br/></em><br /><strong>You:</strong> <em>Well, I have an idea, but I’d like to hear your thoughts on the subject. <br/><br /></em><strong>Her:</strong> <em>Well, the way I see it...mmffmmm…<br/><br /></em><strong>You:</strong> <em>I’m sorry, I can’t understand what you’re saying because my c*ck is in your mouth.<br/><br /></em>Basically…take the direct approach: See. Want. Take. Have. <br/><br /><strong>4) Is asking for the backdoor too much for a bumper?</strong> It’s never a bad move to try popping the trunk. Think of it as an equitable exchange…she dents your bumper, and you in turn explore her available trunk space. Fair trade, no?<br/><br /><strong>5) And is this considered cheating, or is it just reimbursement for pain and suffering?</strong> Yes, its considered cheating…and that is never okay. * <br/> <br /><br />*<em>This response may or may not have been included due to the fact that my girlfriend sometimes reads this blog, and I would like to continue getting laid on a regular basis.<br/><br /></em>Happy motoring!Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-72607524697355105632008-03-01T10:04:00.000-08:002008-03-10T11:02:39.996-07:00Dear Legbreaker, So a past friendship of mine slowly progressed into something more...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker,<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">So a past friendship of mine slowly progressed into something more and it was clear that we had some heavy chemistry. We went out on dates a few times over the span of a month or so and everything was all good. This chick was just getting out of a relationship that had gone sour, and unfortunately for me I knew the dude she had been with... and thought he was a punk. I knew she still had some issues with dude...but thing was...I saw it as just dating her so I paid it no mind. So one night over the phone she goes on telling me that she's a freak, she likes rough sex and that she thinks I won't be able to keep up with her. From the get go I wanted to see if I could dislocate her kidneys or at the very least widen her hips a few inches but this "challenge" took that to another level. This conversation had me expecting to smash her through my mattress very soon. Then the following day after another date... everything was out of whack. I had no idea what was going on so I call her... she starts crying without even getting two words out... saying she's sorry... and she needs space. I tried to reaffirm that it was just DATING, as in nothing serious. However she failed to understand this and said she wouldn't be able to talk to me for awhile because she "had some things to deal with and didn't want to have to get me involved in her problems". I knew that she was trying to say that she wasn't over her ex and that she needed to spend sometime with her girlfriends to "get over it". My problem is that I was left with unfinished business. I wholeheartedly believe that me nailing her would have made her forget that her ex ever existed. I don't talk to her at all now but there's still that thought in my head of me not sealing the deal.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Do you think she got some entertainment from leading me on then falling of the face of the planet? Should I just let it go...? Or should I try to close the case?<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Thanks in advance,<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Cuz<br /><br /></span><span style="color:#ff0000;">Cuz!!! Long time no talk!<br /><br />After reading your letter, I’m glad you took the time to write. Chemistry and friendship aside, you are dealing with what my friends and I like to call the “common cocktease”.<br /><br />The “common cocktease” is not malicious…she is simply doing what it is in her nature to do…which is basically to throw her box at you like a 90 mph slider…you think you’re going to be crushing that sh*t into the stratosphere…but you end up whiffing on a pitch that’s low and away. Weak f*cking sauce.<br /><br />That stated, I’ve noted a few points of concern that I want to share with you:<br /><br /><strong>1) This chick was just getting out of a relationship that had gone sour.</strong> Rebound! Way to go, cuz! The fastest way to get laid (besides hunting cougar) is to score a rebound girl. The unfortunate part about rebound girl is that she’s typically on the rebound for a reason, and more often than not its because she’s nuttier than a f*cking Snickers bar. Which leads me to my next point…<br /><br /><strong>2) I had no idea what was going on so I call her... she starts crying.</strong> When preparing blast a rebound girl with baby batter, the universal sign for “Stop now and run for your life” is tears. All women eventually use this against you…emotional blackmail sucks, but if you plan on getting laid regularly, you’d better get used to it. But any girl that cries this soon has got more f*cking baggage than a 727.<br /><br /><strong>3) My problem is that I was left with unfinished business.</strong> Indeed you were, cuz. However…you have something going for you. Since there was chemistry…she’s still thinking about you. Make no mistake cuz…you’re still in the hunt. But if you plan on dropping the hammer…you have got to act like you don’t want to. I know it defies logic, but it’s true. If she thinks that she has to work for your attention, she will. Act like you could care less if she’s around and before you know it she’ll be up on your junk like a kindergartner on a dime store pony… bank on it.<br /><br />So…in my humble opinion, you should close the deal…but exercise patience…and let the deal come to you.<br /><br />And by all means...when you do complete the conquest put an exclamation point on it by blowing your cheez in her grill. Trust me…its cathartic.</span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-62690591043202042852008-02-26T09:28:00.000-08:002008-02-26T09:34:47.783-08:00Dear Legbreaker, How do I tell my girl to not get jealous...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker, <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">How do I tell my girl to not get jealous of all these breezies on my jock?I don't flirt but I am a nice guy and some people might mistake it for flirting. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Holla at ya boy, <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Ritchie <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">'Sup Ritchie?!? <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Long time, no talk my friend. I'm sure that the breezies make it tough to get to your computer. I mean...who really thinks about correspondence when some fine little honey is gettin' up in his junk? Which brings me to the point of your post. It is the nature of most girls to be catty. I know I've said it before...but I can never overstate this...vagina is a blessing and a curse my friend. Kind of like sh*tty mexican food when you're really hungry or day old pizza back when you were in college. At the moment, the sh*t is the bomb...but give it a couple hours, and it will make you wish you had a time machine so you could go back to yesterday and kill yourself just to avoid feeling the way you do right now. Remember that. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Anyway...there are a couple of ways to play this, and they really depend on the nature of your girl: <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>1) Jedi Mind Trick.</strong> While it is in the nature of every woman to be catty, it is also in the nature of a great many women to be stupid. If that's your girl, then this is your solution. Just ask her this question: "Baby...if I didn't have all these trampy lil' hoes trying to get on my stick, how could I appreciate how lucky I am to have you on my stick?" In addition to getting a laugh out of any of your buddies that are listening, it will shut her up for at least the next day or two while she tries to figure out what the f*ck you just told her. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>2) Lie, lie, lie and...um, lie.</strong> I assume that its not the ugly b*tches that your girl is getting p*ssed off about. Right? Well...you've just been given a golden opportunity to check said breezie out. That's right. Give her the once over. Look at the tits. Check out the @ss. Take it all in. Then look at your girl, and repeat these EXACT words: "Baby...that lil' ho is nowhere near as fine as you are." In addition to guaranteeing that you will get a hummer later, you have also made your girl smile, AND got to scam a fine little piece of @ss right in front of her. Does it really get any better than that? <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Yes...it does get better than that. But we weren't talking about cheezing in her grill. </span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-53523569772600756262008-02-26T09:19:00.000-08:002008-02-26T09:27:45.282-08:00Dear Legbreaker, My wife is a beautiful girl...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker, <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">My wife is a beautiful girl, and every time we go out she gets plenty of male attention. Rarely is it disrespectful, but sometimes it crosses the line. She handles herself well, but at what point is it ok to start breaking legs? <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Thank you, <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Geturembedder <br/></span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Geturembedder, <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Hm. Intriguing. I know right where you're at with this. Its annoying...and even the best intended male attention on one's lady can seriously f*ck up an otherwise great night out. The key here is to remember that if your lady perceives you as jealous, she may take that as insecurity...and then you are screwed. So...you should do what I do. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">What do I do? Glad you asked:<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>1) @ss grab.</strong> When the guy in question looks over at your lady...simply slide your arm around her waist, cup a cheek and squeeze away. If your lady starts, or jumps a bit, all the better. This shows the gawking @sshole that she is indeed yours, and that any further attention is unwanted, and will be considered disrespectful. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>2) Peek-a-Boo.</strong> When the disrespectful @sshammer in question looks over at your lady...simply take your index finger, pull her shirt collar away from her boobs, and take a peek down her shirt, and exclaim ,"Look what I found!". If your girl is a sport, she'll laugh...and you, my friend, will have adequately communicated that the gawker in question should get the f*ck off your kool-aid. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>3) My Fries.</strong> This is a personal favorite of mine. Its best done while driving, but can be done anywhere, really. As the offender in question is looking at your girl's goods, just slide a hand down her shirt, and inside her bra (a nipple pinch here is optional...but it drives the point home so clearly that I really recommend it), then look over at the f*ckwad in question and say, "What's up?". This is a favorite of my girlfriend's for reasons that I can't get into right now...suffice to say, she kicks @ss. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">If none of the above work, then by all means...drop the hammer, my friend.</span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-77146523630075885992008-02-26T09:04:00.000-08:002008-02-26T09:19:18.774-08:00Dear Legbreaker, I recently deleted all the porn on my computer...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker,<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">I recently deleted all the porn on my computer. Good move? Bad move?<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Thanks, <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Sixthring<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Dear Sixth...thanks for writing. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">I'm glad you brought this up...because the young men of the world need to know...it is NEVER okay to delete all of your porn. This is not my opinion, it is man law. Porn is a rare and beautiful thing, and it should be treated as such. Like all rare and beautiful things, however, there is a time and place to bid them a fond adieu. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">When it comes to porn, these instances are as follows:<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>1) Hairy bush.</strong> Like bell bottoms and butterfly collars, this tragic and frightening remnant of the 70's and early 80's will occasionally rear its ugly head in the world o' porn. Hairy bush has no place in today's society, or in any self respecting 21st century man's porn collection. You need to drop that ish like your last hood rat: with a quickness.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>2) Beehive and/or big hair.</strong> Big hair had its day...but I believe I speak for all men when I say that the spank bank, porn collection, and ho stable should be free of aqua net, unless that's what blows your horn. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>3) Sh*tty Disco.</strong> What used to pass as good disco mercifully died over 25 years ago...and the talentless @ssholes who insisted on making bad disco that couldn't get airtime on the radio got jobs in the porn industry...making sure that even watching porn in the 70's was like jerking off with 2-grit sandpaper. Do you really want to re-live that? I thought not.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Well, Sixth...I hope that helps you out. Have a kick@ss day, amigo!Oh...and if watching porn, its obviously impossible to cheez in her grill...but cheezing on your monitor is an acceptable substitute.</span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-77646125187402894942008-02-24T03:09:00.000-08:002008-02-24T03:27:50.070-08:00Dear Legbreaker, So this chick I am seeing is someone I eventually want a serious relationship with...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker, <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">So this chick I am seeing is someone I eventually want a serious relationship with. Problem is she has major trust issues in men because of some f*cked up sh*t in her past and has told me it will take some time (possibly a lot). I can dig this, but I'm falling for her hard. In the meantime she is down to do me all kinds of nasty and go out and date. However, she is f*cking hawt and I want to wrap up the deal before some other douchebag or chick. That's right, I'm in a competition with both sexes for this hottie. I'm number one and only one on her list right now, but how should I proceed to continue to be number one without any formal commitment?<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Thanks LB,<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">AMP<br/></span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Hey there Amp,<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Good to hear from you again. After reading your letter, I'm glad you took the time to write. Fear not amigo, Legbreaker has a solution or three...but first, I want to make sure that you've picked up on all of the red flags that I have:<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>1) This chick I am seeing is someone I eventually want a serious relationship with.</strong> Um...why? Bro, when you're "just dating"...she will f*ck you like a banshee. Honestly...just pick a porno, pop it in, and tell baby to emulate...then watch in amazement as she makes Jenna Jameson look tamer than a nun's peach. Take it from the voice of experience my friend...stretch out the "just dating" portion of your relationship as long as you can...your penis will thank you for it.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>2) She has major trust issues in men because of some f*cked up sh*t in her past.</strong> As long as the f*cked up sh*t is not a communicable virus, and you're relatively certain that it won't come looking for you with a shotgun and 10 drunken friends, you should be okay here.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>3) She is f*cking hawt and I want to wrap up the deal before some other douchebag or chick.</strong> Hamstring the douchebags by any means necesary...but why in the name of all that's holy would you want to f*ck up something as rare and beautiful as the potential for an AMP sandwich with a hot chick and her potentially hot vagitarian friend? That's blasphemy, bro! Man Law dictates that you must make a play for the hot vagitarian friend, however long the odds may be. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">And now for the endgame: "how should I proceed to continue to be number one without any formal commitment?" My friend, the answer here is a simple, two part affair.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>Part one:</strong> Act like you don't give a f*ck. A little known, but all too true fact about women is that if they think they still have to work for your attention, they will. Especially the hot ones. This will differentiate you from all of the other @ssholes that are busy shoving their noses up her @ss all f*cking day. Treat this chick like a warm beer. Sure...it probably wouldn't taste all that bad...but you could honestly take it or leave it. Make this girl think that you're indifferent, and she will be all up on your junk like thirty 5-year olds on a busted pinata.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>Part two:</strong> F*ck her into a coma. There is but one way to fully tame a chick...and that's to make her cum harder than she ever has. Learn what she likes, put her clit on speed dial, invest in some Carmex, a manicure, some astro glide, and make frequent visits to her friend Mr. G spot. Get her so twisted that you have to pop her hips back into socket when you're done. If you hit it hard enough that she falls asleep after, she will worship at the altar o' AMP until you kick her @ss to the curb. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Do this, in addition to popping your wad in her eye, and you shall have what you seek, my friend.</span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-14939658847415782442008-02-24T02:43:00.000-08:002008-02-24T03:05:52.059-08:00Dear Legbreaker, As you probably noticed, the weather was NICE in the Bay this past weekend...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker, <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">As you probably noticed, the weather was NICE in the Bay this past weekend. And when the first rays of sun and heat start to hit the bay in the middle of the winter or early spring, you know what that means? Yes sir, hotties in skimpy clothing...girls that made their new year's resolution(s) to hit the gym in '08 (most likely January 1st until Valentines' Day LOL) are anxious to show some skin.I stumbled upon a random hot one in Emeryville this weekend. 5'5", cute, strawberry blonde, coke bottle figure, sporting a pair on tight capris, heels, and a tank top. She scoped me out from across the way...I ditched my sis and niece for a sec, and decided to pursue. So I rolled up on her as she walked outta Banana Republic...she stopped and smiled. Game was spit, a couple of wise cracks, typical Dana BS, right?I scan the body, as it looked DAMN good from a distance. Pretty tight...yeah, she works out. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">But I came across a very noticeable tattoo on her stomach. I asked if I could get a closer look "cuz I like tats", and stooped down a lil, shifting my shades to get a clearer glance. It was a mess. Like a small spider web that was covering another tattoo. I looked closer...and I couldn't believe my eyes...the horribly concealed "former" tat that was set below her navel read the word...NYMPHO (in blue ink)(sigh). So I acted like I couldn't read it, and just said, "Can't make it out, but it looks pretty koo." We exchanged #'s, talked later that night and have texted every day (on the hour) this week. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Now, with all this being said...your thoughts?<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">A) She's a stripper. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">B) She was an idiot back in her High School days, and an older BF "encouraged" her to get this ridiculous tattoo (for comedy).<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">C) She's not just a stripper, but she's sellin that @ss outside the club too.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">D) YOU wouldn't f*ck her with MY dick. <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">E) All of the above.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Thanks, <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Gig<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Gig...its all good bro. I feel you on the concern. Seriously. The only thing scarier than a girl with "nympho" tatted on her belly are banana t*tties, flapjacks, and/or jerky curtains. And now for my thoughts...<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>A) She's a stripper.</strong> Could be. But if she is, she knows how to shake her @ss, and is most likely as freaky as they come. Besides...somebody has to enjoy the @ss that so many fools have been throwing their hard earned singles at, ya know?<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>B) She was an idiot back in her High School days, and an older BF "encouraged" her to get this ridiculous tattoo (for comedy).</strong> Dude. That sounds like something I would have done. What's this chick's name, anyway?<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>C) She's not just a stripper, but she's sellin' that @ss outside the club too.</strong> I don't think shes selling @ss. On the real, homie, she would have hit you up for a deposit before inviting you over. Besides...the thought of this chick accepting cash to drop the panties for some 300 lb, zit faced slob will probably kill any inclination you have to make sure baby can't walk on Friday morning.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>D) YOU wouldn't f*ck her with MY dick.</strong> Just to be safe, give her the "sniff test". If your eyes start to water, bounce and live to smash another day.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>E) All of the above. </strong>All I can say it this, amigo...never go into combat without your flak jacket, always remember where you put your clothes, and have your route to the door clearly thought out before you pass out.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Happy smashing, my friend! I'd tell you to cheez in her grill, but that would be like telling Chuck Norris how to throw a roundhouse kick.</span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-89947858811267482932008-02-24T02:20:00.000-08:002008-02-24T02:39:25.637-08:00Dear Legbreaker, So this chick keeps coming into my work...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker,<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">So this chick keeps coming into my work. I know her kinda - I used to date a friend of hers. This girl is cute, but not my type. I don't see her for a while then she sends me this myspace message about how she never sees me anymore, and she asks me all these questions about how I'm doing...what I interpreted as her "leading a horse to water," if you will. So the next time she shows up, I kinda make a little small talk, just to be friendly, and she gets all embarrassed and leaves quickly. Now every time she comes in she hardly looks at me...WTF happened here and should I care?<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Thanks LB,<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">SacRock14</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Thanks for writing, Sac.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Before I begin, there are three elements here that must be pointed out.<br/> </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>1) Cute chick that's friends with a girl you used to date.</strong> Forbidden fruit. I love it! Any friend of a girl that you used to date (especially if she's cute) is bonus point material...big time. Man law dictates (pun intended) that you have to smash if presented the opportunity. This is not my opinion, amigo...its the LAW.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>2) Not your type.</strong> Ummm...I'm not sure what you mean by this. So...she's cute. I assume this means she has all her limbs. Does she have a vagina? Unless she has cockeye, tank@ss, turkeyneck or snaggletooth...she's your type. At least for as long as it takes to cockslap her into your trophy case.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>3) What happened?</strong> What happened is that the girl you used to date found out this chick was sending you myspace messages and heading into your work. The only person who can cockblock harder than the "gay guy friend", "the big fat friend" or "the buddyf*cker" is the p*ssed off ex-girlfriend. As matter of fact...if this b*tch had her way, you'd never get laid again. Remember...hell hath no fury like a girl you used to date whose friends you've been f*cking. Write that ish down...you'll need it if you plan on following my advice.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">What to do? Well, she's embarrassed because she a) doesn't think she has a chance with you, b) doesn't want her friend to find out that she's flirting with you, or c) is shy.<br/> </span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">In any of the above circumstances, you have but one viable alternative: you need to scramble this chick's ovaries. With a vengeance. Go on the offensive. Start taking her up on her little flirtations...and drop the hammer on her.The endgame here isn't getting laid. Remember...the only thing better than f*cking your girlfriend so hard that she can't walk for two days is f*cking the sh*t out of your ex-girlfriend's friend so hard that she can't walk for two days...and making sure your ex finds out about it.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Smash it...well. The only thing cooler would be blowing your cheez in her grill.</span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-78641339124133567462008-02-24T02:04:00.000-08:002008-02-24T02:15:51.151-08:00Dear Legbreaker, I've been dating this chic who is a single mom with two kids...<span style="color:#ffffff;">Dear Legbreaker,<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">I've been dating this chic who is a single mom with two kids. It's time for me to move on to my next job and I'll be leaving the Army town I'm in. I know she thinks that I am "the one" that will save her and take her away from her current life but.....I'm not. I just wanted to have regular sex. Time for me to cut sling load and head on out. How do I break it to her? Should I just take off?<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Thanks, <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">Bluefalcon61<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Blue,<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Wow. This is a tough one. You are my bro, however...and as such, I shall do what I can to help you. As I'm sure you know, I spent some time in the Marines...and more than a few of my buddies had to deal with this. The potential for crying, threats of suicide and the sudden need to dodge a bullet or two make this one pretty tricky. The only angle worth playing here besides just leaving (what fun would that be?) is to make her want you to leave. That's right...you've got to go about convincing her that you're Mr. Wrong. But what to do? <br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Here are two sure-fire ways to get a girl to give you the boot, thus allowing you to leave with your conscience intact:<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>1) Sister spankage.</strong> This tried and true method of getting dumped requires only a will of iron, a picture of her sister (pics of her best friend or mom will work just fine here, too), and a clear route to the nearest door or window. The steps are simple enough...just get the picture, take a seat in a place where you are sure to get caught, and start slappin' your hoochie hammer. She walks in, and you're out, guilt free. Bonus points if you can some how manage to blast some man mustard on the picture before running out the door or jumping out the window.<br/></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>2) Uh...what was your name again?</strong> This one is simple. Though straightforward, be warned...if she has access to a knife, gun, or has very long nails, this one will cost you dearly. Get her to do something you've never done (ie, anal, the fourbagger, the buckin' bronco, arabian goggles, etc.) and whilst in the act of dehumanizing her, say, "Oh, my god...this is so good. You are so f*cking hot, Annie...uh, I mean Lisa...no, Linda, um Diane...um, what's your name again?". Immediately withdraw your troops and engage in a tactical withdrawal to a distance at which your junk is just out of kicking, grabbing, biting and/or cutting range. If you can some how manage to blow cheez on her (anywhere, since you probably won't have time to aim), you are worthy of induction into the "cool muthaf*cka Hall of Fame."</span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8517808665275784791.post-50099452725002525682008-02-23T13:59:00.000-08:002008-02-23T14:39:17.207-08:00Dear Legbreaker, This dude I bartend with is homies with the chick I am seeing...<span style="color:#ffffff;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><strong>Dear Legbreaker,<br /></strong></span><br /></span><span style="color:#ffffff;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><strong>This dude I bartend with is homies with the chick I am seeing. Me and this guy are kinda friends, but he's been flirting hardcore with this chick (via text and s**t) since I've been seeing her. I confronted him last night and he told me not to get too vested with this chick because he didn't want to see me hurt (bulls**t). How should I handle this situation?<br /></strong></span><br /></span><span style="color:#ffffff;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><strong>Thank you,<br /></strong></span><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">AMP</span></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Sincerest apologies, AMP.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Due to an insane workload over the past few days, I have been unable to answer until now. Having read your letter, I'm glad you took the time to write. You, my friend, are being plagued by what my contemporaries call the "opportunistic cockblocker". In some circles, the "opportunistic cockblocker" is also referred to as "buddyf*cker", or "f*cking douchenozzle". No matter what you call him, this cat is bad news. As you may have guessed, this guy has designs on your girl. There are several ways of dealing with this...some of which are loads of fun...and some of which will land your @ss in jail (especially the one where you bust his leg with a tire iron, whilst delcaring, "Dems my fries, b*tch!").<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">As I see it, your options are as follows:<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>1)</strong> <strong>Beat him at his own game.</strong> Sure it's low. Sure it's sneaky. But remember...this @sshole is trying to bang your girl...and such behavior cannot be tolerated. Drop the cockblock on him...and drop it hard. Saying something to your girl along these lines: "did you know that (insert name of buddyf*cker here) gave (insert name of random girl that you don't really care about here) herpes? No joke! I heard it from (insert name of very good friend who will back you up on this ish here)...apparently old boy by lied about it and then rawdogged her...in the @ss. Now she has @ss herpes. How f*cked up is that?" After hearing that, his stock will fall faster than Enron's did. Bank on it.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>2) Pull the rug out from under him.</strong> Want him to lose footing with your girl? Then start an earthquake. All you have to say is, "So...I don't know how to tell you this...but I overheard (insert name of f*ckwad here) telling someone that he's gonna f*ck your brains out. He was pretty f*cked up at the time, so he may not have known what he was saying...and that's the only reason I didn't beat his @ss on the spot"...then sit back and enjoy the fireworks...she'll have that @sshole's b@lls shrink wrapped so fast it will make you dizzy.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>3) Make him look like a perv.</strong> Steal his phone, take a picture of your junk, and e-mail it to her. He'll be out of the picture faster than you can say"restraining order".<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">After any of the aforementioned options, you should put an exclamation point on things by f*ckin' her senseless and blowing your cheez in her grill. Outside of the satisfaction you'll get from the action itself, the fact that you've denied a potential cockblock in the process will instantly make you cooler than anyone you know. </span>Legbreakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04110999179229841140noreply@blogger.com0