Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dear Legbreaker, as you might recall I broke up with a ex about 7 months ago

Dear Legbreaker,

As you might recall I broke up with a ex about 7 months ago and you gave me great advice on how to pick up on a lot of b***hes (that advice was definitely put to use ) Anyways I have a new girlfriend now and I really like this girl a lot. We have a ton in common, listens to the same music, shes a Portuguese like me, sharks AND a niners fan but the best of all is that she has big titties. Problem with my little lady is that I feel like she hasn't "awakened the beast" just yet. She loves to get it on, but how do I make her take that extra step to kinkiness?

Your fellow metal head,



Thanks for writing. I’m glad to hear that you’ve been putting the wisdom to work…and even happier to hear that it’s working for you. Just to make sure that I have all of the bases covered, you say your new girl is a metalhead, a Sharks fan, a Niners fan, and she has big t*ts. Jumpin’ Jeezus on a pogo stick, amigo, it sound like you hit the mother lode!

And now to your question…it’s a common one, bro. Awakening the inner f*ckpuppet in a woman can be a daunting challenge, especially early in the relationship. Fortunately for you, I have dealt with a few “challenging” women in my day, and have some experience on the matter. While no method is 100% effective, any of the suggestions I am about to make, or some combination thereof should get the job done. Here we go:

The Hi-Ho Silver: The move is simple, really. There are three things you must have if this will work: a firm grip, a girl that’s down with doggy, and has long hair…the longer, the better. Now, once you’ve established a solid rhythm, slowly slide your hands up her back, and say something appropriate (i.e. “whose p*ssy is this?”; “I love you, baby…now admit you’re my f*cktoy”; etc.). Next, wrap her hair around your hand, and yanks back on that sh*t until she whinnies like a motherf*ckin’ thoroughbred. You will definitely find out how freaky she is…or how hard she can hit. For those of you out there thinking of trying this…if you’re down with the big b*tches, you’d better make sure your girl is a good sport before you give this one a go.

The Jack Horner (or the Oil Check): This one is easy, too. But be warned…it takes nerves of steel, a sense of adventure, and a little sadism. Get her on her hands and knees, and start hittin’ it from behind. Once the rhythm is solid, start kneading her @sscheeks like pizza dough. This should result in a soft, but audible, “Ooooh!” Now, slowly slide your hand over her @sscrack…and with one smooth, even motion, shove your thumb in her @ss, and sing the following nursery rhyme: “Little Jack Horner sat in a corner tapping his girlfriend’s pie. He stuck in his thumb and made the b*tch cum and said yum, yum, yum, what a good boy am I!” This will cause your girl get her freak on…guaranteed. If, for some strange reason, your girl decides to maim you with a sharp metal object, Legbreaker, Legbreaker Industries, and all things Legbreaker shall be without fault in a very real, and legally legitimate sense.

Now, my friend, go forth and awaken the beast! And be sure to keep me posted on your progress. And above all else, blow your cheez in her grill…trust me, she’ll love it.