Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Dearest Legbreaker...

Dearest Legbreaker,

Simply put, how do you prevent premature ejaculation?


Dear AC,

Thanks for writing…especially about such a serious issue.

Right now, there are men in the world who have never known the joy of blowing their cheez in a random tramp’s grill. You might think that these men can’t spit game, or perhaps that they are incapable of finding the cooter…but the sad fact is that the majority of these guys are unable to make it to the grill. Can you think of anything more tragic?

Fortunately, it is possible to cure the “unintentional misfire”. There are three methods that will keep you from squeezing of a round sooner than you want to:

The ESPN: Are you a sports fan? If so, this is the “unintentional misfire” management tool for you. First things first, you’ve got to brush up on your sports trivia. Then, you have to indentify a hoochie to hammer. Now that you’re ready to get freaky, you can effectively employ “the ESPN”. When you feel the urge to pop your wad, ask yourself a sports question (in your head…we don’t want your hoochie thinking you’re a f*cking nutbar). If you’re a fatty from the Midwest, maybe it’s a bowling question. If you’re a stud from the left coast, maybe it’s a piece of 49er trivia. As you can see, effective employment of this technique can go on for hours, depending on how many sports you’re into. The most important aspect of this method is the finale, which consists of blowing cheez in your hoochie’s grill, spiking a football on her @ss, doing the Merton Hanks “chicken dance”, and screaming “Touchdown!” at the top of your lungs.

The Pipe Cleaner: Not into sports? Pathetic. But since there is an existing, however small number of you who cannot employ “the ESPN”, I humbly present “the Pipe Cleaner”. The premise is simple enough…wait until about two hours before you are expected to drop the hammer, and just fap, fap fap your way to more staying power. Timing is everything here, fellas…clean the pipes to early, and you’ll already have a round chambered when the magic happens…clean the pipes to late, and your hoochie hammer will be rockin’ more flop than the Italian National Soccer Team. It doesn’t matter if you can flip your sh*t around like Bruce Lee in “Enter the Dragon”, either…because if you’re rockin’ the flop, the panties won’t drop.

The Barbara Bush: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Legbreaker, what if I don’t know how long it will be before I hit it, or if I blank on all of my sports knowledge in the face of some seriously ridicul-@ss, or some titani-t*tties?” Don’t trip, homie…I have got you covered like a jimmy hat. For the times when you’re caught in an @ss avalanche or a t*tty tornado, I recommend the Barbara Bush. How does it work? Glad you asked. When you’re about to bathe your ho of the moment in baby batter, simply picture Barbara Bush...naked. How’s that for a splooey stopper? Caution: keep the image in your head just long enough to kill the urge to skeet. Think of it too long, and you could permanently impair your ability to unleash the beast. You have been warned.

Hopefully these suggestions will stave off the dreaded “unintentional misfire”. Be wary…if these can’t keep you free of the premature skeet-skeet, you are in need of more help than I am qualified to provide.

There are certain things that I have yet to figure out about women...

Dear Legbreaker,

There are certain things that I have yet to figure out about women...so here's one for you, bro. As I'm sure that plenty of inquiringminds would like to know...Question: How do you get an "inexperienced" chick to try "backdoor love"?I have a new chick that will do everything from handcuffs to blindfolds to paddles(leather AND wooden) and even a lil PDA (that's "public displays of affection", fellas, but not just kissing and hugging)I can say "It only hurts in the beginning" so many times...I've tried a lil alcohol (no chloroform yet though)...the seal on a new bottle of KY has yet to be broken.Problem is that her V-gap is about the size of the hole in a Lifesaver...a few problems there in the beginning - but you know my motto...If it don't fit, Force it!...to add, her A-gap is even smaller (how does this woman take a crap, seriously?) I'm not sure if it's even possible for her to take the manhammer down the dookie-shoot Your thoughts?



Dear Gig,

First things first, congrats on the new girl. Everything from handcuffs to blindfolds encompasses a mountain of seriously perverse sh*t…I am proud of you!

Your question is one that has boggled mankind since the dawn of time: How to open the back door?

When analyzing potential approaches to this situation, it is vital to understand that resistance is usually based on one of three factors: Fear, moral hang-ups, or outright bitchiness. While each of the aforementioned can be difficult to deal with, keep your chin up…because all of them can be overcome.

There are a couple of methods for effectively penetrating the A-gap. Remember…what I am about to break down for you here will work…at least once and under the right circumstances, anyway.

“Surprise!” (Also called the Jack-in-the-Box) Technique: In order to pull off the surprise technique, you have to be fast…and have a pre-planned escape route. In order to set the table for the surprise technique; you should get your girl in the mood…a little champagne, some chocolate covered strawberries, and a little Barry White/Al Green/Marvin Gaye pumping in the background for good measure. Once you think she’s ready, start to slow dance with her. Your conversation should go something like this:

Gig: I have a surprise for you, baby.

Her: Ooh! Really? I love surprises!

Gig: Well you’ll love this then… but I need you to get on your hands & knees and close your eyes.

Her: What? Why?

Gig: If I told you, it would ruin the surprise.

Her: Hmmm. Okay. **Closes eyes and drops**

Gig: You ready baby? Here it comes…SURPRISE!

Coincidentally, this is why this method is also called the “Jack-in-the-Box” Technique. It will result in either a squeal of joy followed by clapping and laughter, or a terror filled shriek and uncontrollable crying (and potentially, an vengeful swipe at your cojones). Risky? Sure. But if you do the cost/benefit, you will realize that you come out the winner every time…if she likes it, you’re golden. If not, you have weeded an unwilling philly outta your stable of hoes.

Straight Talk Express: If you want to get your girl on board the straight talk express, you will need two things: a heartless friend in the medical field that owes you a favor, and a girl that’s sharp as a marble. This conversation is best set over drinks. Specifically, it is best set over 5 double extra dry vodka martinis (stupidity alone might not get the job done…but stupidity and alcohol are a winner every time):

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: So, I was reading something pretty disturbing in the AMA Journal today.

Gig: Really? What’s up, bro?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Apparently, colon cancer rates have been skyrocketing in female Pacific Islanders.

Gig: Shut the f*ck up!

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: No joke, man. Apparently they have less anal sex than any other demographic segment.

Her: I don’t know why any chick would give up the @ss. On the real.

Gig: **sigh**

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Well, then I hope you know a good anal oncologist, because your’re on the @ss cancer express, sweetheart.

Her: Oh no! Are you sure?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: I’m in the medical field…we know EVERYTHING…especially about @ss cancer.

Her: What can I do to lower my risk?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Well…you could increase your lycopene intake, eat more fibrous foods, and get your @ss destroyed at least once a day.

Her: What?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Preliminary studies show that women who give up the @ss have a significantly lower chance of contracting @ss cancer.

Gig: **slips friend a $50 bill under the table**

Her: Gig, will you wreck my @ss later?

Gig: I don’t know…you seemed a little reluctant before…

Her: But that was before the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic! I need your help! Please?

Gig: Well, if it means that I keep you safe from the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic…I’ll do it. But only because I care.

As you can see…booze and an uncommonly high level of stupidity are required to pull this one off…but unlike the surprise technique, this one should keep you A-gap friendly for a while. Or until one of her friends looks up the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic on Web MD.

Well, amigo…I hope these suggestions help. Keep in mind that conquest of the female @ss is a rare and beautiful thing. When coupled with blowing your cheez in her grill, there isn’t a more heartfelt, sincere way of saying, “I’m really only using you for sex…and sorry about getting it in your eye.”