Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Dear Legbreaker, How do I tell my girl to not get jealous...

Dear Legbreaker,

How do I tell my girl to not get jealous of all these breezies on my jock?I don't flirt but I am a nice guy and some people might mistake it for flirting.

Holla at ya boy,


'Sup Ritchie?!?

Long time, no talk my friend. I'm sure that the breezies make it tough to get to your computer. I mean...who really thinks about correspondence when some fine little honey is gettin' up in his junk? Which brings me to the point of your post. It is the nature of most girls to be catty. I know I've said it before...but I can never overstate this...vagina is a blessing and a curse my friend. Kind of like sh*tty mexican food when you're really hungry or day old pizza back when you were in college. At the moment, the sh*t is the bomb...but give it a couple hours, and it will make you wish you had a time machine so you could go back to yesterday and kill yourself just to avoid feeling the way you do right now. Remember that.

Anyway...there are a couple of ways to play this, and they really depend on the nature of your girl:

1) Jedi Mind Trick. While it is in the nature of every woman to be catty, it is also in the nature of a great many women to be stupid. If that's your girl, then this is your solution. Just ask her this question: "Baby...if I didn't have all these trampy lil' hoes trying to get on my stick, how could I appreciate how lucky I am to have you on my stick?" In addition to getting a laugh out of any of your buddies that are listening, it will shut her up for at least the next day or two while she tries to figure out what the f*ck you just told her.

2) Lie, lie, lie and...um, lie. I assume that its not the ugly b*tches that your girl is getting p*ssed off about. Right? Well...you've just been given a golden opportunity to check said breezie out. That's right. Give her the once over. Look at the tits. Check out the @ss. Take it all in. Then look at your girl, and repeat these EXACT words: "Baby...that lil' ho is nowhere near as fine as you are." In addition to guaranteeing that you will get a hummer later, you have also made your girl smile, AND got to scam a fine little piece of @ss right in front of her. Does it really get any better than that?

Yes...it does get better than that. But we weren't talking about cheezing in her grill.

Dear Legbreaker, My wife is a beautiful girl...

Dear Legbreaker,

My wife is a beautiful girl, and every time we go out she gets plenty of male attention. Rarely is it disrespectful, but sometimes it crosses the line. She handles herself well, but at what point is it ok to start breaking legs?

Thank you,



Hm. Intriguing. I know right where you're at with this. Its annoying...and even the best intended male attention on one's lady can seriously f*ck up an otherwise great night out. The key here is to remember that if your lady perceives you as jealous, she may take that as insecurity...and then you are screwed. So...you should do what I do.

What do I do? Glad you asked:

1) @ss grab. When the guy in question looks over at your lady...simply slide your arm around her waist, cup a cheek and squeeze away. If your lady starts, or jumps a bit, all the better. This shows the gawking @sshole that she is indeed yours, and that any further attention is unwanted, and will be considered disrespectful.

2) Peek-a-Boo. When the disrespectful @sshammer in question looks over at your lady...simply take your index finger, pull her shirt collar away from her boobs, and take a peek down her shirt, and exclaim ,"Look what I found!". If your girl is a sport, she'll laugh...and you, my friend, will have adequately communicated that the gawker in question should get the f*ck off your kool-aid.

3) My Fries. This is a personal favorite of mine. Its best done while driving, but can be done anywhere, really. As the offender in question is looking at your girl's goods, just slide a hand down her shirt, and inside her bra (a nipple pinch here is optional...but it drives the point home so clearly that I really recommend it), then look over at the f*ckwad in question and say, "What's up?". This is a favorite of my girlfriend's for reasons that I can't get into right now...suffice to say, she kicks @ss.

If none of the above work, then by all means...drop the hammer, my friend.

Dear Legbreaker, I recently deleted all the porn on my computer...

Dear Legbreaker,

I recently deleted all the porn on my computer. Good move? Bad move?



Dear Sixth...thanks for writing.

I'm glad you brought this up...because the young men of the world need to know...it is NEVER okay to delete all of your porn. This is not my opinion, it is man law. Porn is a rare and beautiful thing, and it should be treated as such. Like all rare and beautiful things, however, there is a time and place to bid them a fond adieu.

When it comes to porn, these instances are as follows:

1) Hairy bush. Like bell bottoms and butterfly collars, this tragic and frightening remnant of the 70's and early 80's will occasionally rear its ugly head in the world o' porn. Hairy bush has no place in today's society, or in any self respecting 21st century man's porn collection. You need to drop that ish like your last hood rat: with a quickness.

2) Beehive and/or big hair. Big hair had its day...but I believe I speak for all men when I say that the spank bank, porn collection, and ho stable should be free of aqua net, unless that's what blows your horn.

3) Sh*tty Disco. What used to pass as good disco mercifully died over 25 years ago...and the talentless @ssholes who insisted on making bad disco that couldn't get airtime on the radio got jobs in the porn industry...making sure that even watching porn in the 70's was like jerking off with 2-grit sandpaper. Do you really want to re-live that? I thought not.

Well, Sixth...I hope that helps you out. Have a kick@ss day, amigo!Oh...and if watching porn, its obviously impossible to cheez in her grill...but cheezing on your monitor is an acceptable substitute.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Dear Legbreaker, So this chick I am seeing is someone I eventually want a serious relationship with...

Dear Legbreaker,

So this chick I am seeing is someone I eventually want a serious relationship with. Problem is she has major trust issues in men because of some f*cked up sh*t in her past and has told me it will take some time (possibly a lot). I can dig this, but I'm falling for her hard. In the meantime she is down to do me all kinds of nasty and go out and date. However, she is f*cking hawt and I want to wrap up the deal before some other douchebag or chick. That's right, I'm in a competition with both sexes for this hottie. I'm number one and only one on her list right now, but how should I proceed to continue to be number one without any formal commitment?

Thanks LB,


Hey there Amp,

Good to hear from you again. After reading your letter, I'm glad you took the time to write. Fear not amigo, Legbreaker has a solution or three...but first, I want to make sure that you've picked up on all of the red flags that I have:

1) This chick I am seeing is someone I eventually want a serious relationship with. Um...why? Bro, when you're "just dating"...she will f*ck you like a banshee. Honestly...just pick a porno, pop it in, and tell baby to emulate...then watch in amazement as she makes Jenna Jameson look tamer than a nun's peach. Take it from the voice of experience my friend...stretch out the "just dating" portion of your relationship as long as you can...your penis will thank you for it.

2) She has major trust issues in men because of some f*cked up sh*t in her past. As long as the f*cked up sh*t is not a communicable virus, and you're relatively certain that it won't come looking for you with a shotgun and 10 drunken friends, you should be okay here.

3) She is f*cking hawt and I want to wrap up the deal before some other douchebag or chick. Hamstring the douchebags by any means necesary...but why in the name of all that's holy would you want to f*ck up something as rare and beautiful as the potential for an AMP sandwich with a hot chick and her potentially hot vagitarian friend? That's blasphemy, bro! Man Law dictates that you must make a play for the hot vagitarian friend, however long the odds may be.

And now for the endgame: "how should I proceed to continue to be number one without any formal commitment?" My friend, the answer here is a simple, two part affair.

Part one: Act like you don't give a f*ck. A little known, but all too true fact about women is that if they think they still have to work for your attention, they will. Especially the hot ones. This will differentiate you from all of the other @ssholes that are busy shoving their noses up her @ss all f*cking day. Treat this chick like a warm beer. Sure...it probably wouldn't taste all that bad...but you could honestly take it or leave it. Make this girl think that you're indifferent, and she will be all up on your junk like thirty 5-year olds on a busted pinata.

Part two: F*ck her into a coma. There is but one way to fully tame a chick...and that's to make her cum harder than she ever has. Learn what she likes, put her clit on speed dial, invest in some Carmex, a manicure, some astro glide, and make frequent visits to her friend Mr. G spot. Get her so twisted that you have to pop her hips back into socket when you're done. If you hit it hard enough that she falls asleep after, she will worship at the altar o' AMP until you kick her @ss to the curb.

Do this, in addition to popping your wad in her eye, and you shall have what you seek, my friend.

Dear Legbreaker, As you probably noticed, the weather was NICE in the Bay this past weekend...

Dear Legbreaker,

As you probably noticed, the weather was NICE in the Bay this past weekend. And when the first rays of sun and heat start to hit the bay in the middle of the winter or early spring, you know what that means? Yes sir, hotties in skimpy clothing...girls that made their new year's resolution(s) to hit the gym in '08 (most likely January 1st until Valentines' Day LOL) are anxious to show some skin.I stumbled upon a random hot one in Emeryville this weekend. 5'5", cute, strawberry blonde, coke bottle figure, sporting a pair on tight capris, heels, and a tank top. She scoped me out from across the way...I ditched my sis and niece for a sec, and decided to pursue. So I rolled up on her as she walked outta Banana Republic...she stopped and smiled. Game was spit, a couple of wise cracks, typical Dana BS, right?I scan the body, as it looked DAMN good from a distance. Pretty tight...yeah, she works out.

But I came across a very noticeable tattoo on her stomach. I asked if I could get a closer look "cuz I like tats", and stooped down a lil, shifting my shades to get a clearer glance. It was a mess. Like a small spider web that was covering another tattoo. I looked closer...and I couldn't believe my eyes...the horribly concealed "former" tat that was set below her navel read the word...NYMPHO (in blue ink)(sigh). So I acted like I couldn't read it, and just said, "Can't make it out, but it looks pretty koo." We exchanged #'s, talked later that night and have texted every day (on the hour) this week.

Now, with all this being said...your thoughts?

A) She's a stripper.

B) She was an idiot back in her High School days, and an older BF "encouraged" her to get this ridiculous tattoo (for comedy).

C) She's not just a stripper, but she's sellin that @ss outside the club too.

D) YOU wouldn't f*ck her with MY dick.

E) All of the above.



Gig...its all good bro. I feel you on the concern. Seriously. The only thing scarier than a girl with "nympho" tatted on her belly are banana t*tties, flapjacks, and/or jerky curtains. And now for my thoughts...

A) She's a stripper. Could be. But if she is, she knows how to shake her @ss, and is most likely as freaky as they come. Besides...somebody has to enjoy the @ss that so many fools have been throwing their hard earned singles at, ya know?

B) She was an idiot back in her High School days, and an older BF "encouraged" her to get this ridiculous tattoo (for comedy). Dude. That sounds like something I would have done. What's this chick's name, anyway?

C) She's not just a stripper, but she's sellin' that @ss outside the club too. I don't think shes selling @ss. On the real, homie, she would have hit you up for a deposit before inviting you over. Besides...the thought of this chick accepting cash to drop the panties for some 300 lb, zit faced slob will probably kill any inclination you have to make sure baby can't walk on Friday morning.

D) YOU wouldn't f*ck her with MY dick. Just to be safe, give her the "sniff test". If your eyes start to water, bounce and live to smash another day.

E) All of the above. All I can say it this, amigo...never go into combat without your flak jacket, always remember where you put your clothes, and have your route to the door clearly thought out before you pass out.

Happy smashing, my friend! I'd tell you to cheez in her grill, but that would be like telling Chuck Norris how to throw a roundhouse kick.

Dear Legbreaker, So this chick keeps coming into my work...

Dear Legbreaker,

So this chick keeps coming into my work. I know her kinda - I used to date a friend of hers. This girl is cute, but not my type. I don't see her for a while then she sends me this myspace message about how she never sees me anymore, and she asks me all these questions about how I'm doing...what I interpreted as her "leading a horse to water," if you will. So the next time she shows up, I kinda make a little small talk, just to be friendly, and she gets all embarrassed and leaves quickly. Now every time she comes in she hardly looks at me...WTF happened here and should I care?

Thanks LB,


Thanks for writing, Sac.

Before I begin, there are three elements here that must be pointed out.

1) Cute chick that's friends with a girl you used to date. Forbidden fruit. I love it! Any friend of a girl that you used to date (especially if she's cute) is bonus point material...big time. Man law dictates (pun intended) that you have to smash if presented the opportunity. This is not my opinion, amigo...its the LAW.

2) Not your type. Ummm...I'm not sure what you mean by this. So...she's cute. I assume this means she has all her limbs. Does she have a vagina? Unless she has cockeye, tank@ss, turkeyneck or snaggletooth...she's your type. At least for as long as it takes to cockslap her into your trophy case.

3) What happened? What happened is that the girl you used to date found out this chick was sending you myspace messages and heading into your work. The only person who can cockblock harder than the "gay guy friend", "the big fat friend" or "the buddyf*cker" is the p*ssed off ex-girlfriend. As matter of fact...if this b*tch had her way, you'd never get laid again. Remember...hell hath no fury like a girl you used to date whose friends you've been f*cking. Write that ish down...you'll need it if you plan on following my advice.

What to do? Well, she's embarrassed because she a) doesn't think she has a chance with you, b) doesn't want her friend to find out that she's flirting with you, or c) is shy.

In any of the above circumstances, you have but one viable alternative: you need to scramble this chick's ovaries. With a vengeance. Go on the offensive. Start taking her up on her little flirtations...and drop the hammer on her.The endgame here isn't getting laid. Remember...the only thing better than f*cking your girlfriend so hard that she can't walk for two days is f*cking the sh*t out of your ex-girlfriend's friend so hard that she can't walk for two days...and making sure your ex finds out about it.

Smash it...well. The only thing cooler would be blowing your cheez in her grill.

Dear Legbreaker, I've been dating this chic who is a single mom with two kids...

Dear Legbreaker,

I've been dating this chic who is a single mom with two kids. It's time for me to move on to my next job and I'll be leaving the Army town I'm in. I know she thinks that I am "the one" that will save her and take her away from her current life but.....I'm not. I just wanted to have regular sex. Time for me to cut sling load and head on out. How do I break it to her? Should I just take off?




Wow. This is a tough one. You are my bro, however...and as such, I shall do what I can to help you. As I'm sure you know, I spent some time in the Marines...and more than a few of my buddies had to deal with this. The potential for crying, threats of suicide and the sudden need to dodge a bullet or two make this one pretty tricky. The only angle worth playing here besides just leaving (what fun would that be?) is to make her want you to leave. That's right...you've got to go about convincing her that you're Mr. Wrong. But what to do?

Here are two sure-fire ways to get a girl to give you the boot, thus allowing you to leave with your conscience intact:

1) Sister spankage. This tried and true method of getting dumped requires only a will of iron, a picture of her sister (pics of her best friend or mom will work just fine here, too), and a clear route to the nearest door or window. The steps are simple enough...just get the picture, take a seat in a place where you are sure to get caught, and start slappin' your hoochie hammer. She walks in, and you're out, guilt free. Bonus points if you can some how manage to blast some man mustard on the picture before running out the door or jumping out the window.

2) Uh...what was your name again? This one is simple. Though straightforward, be warned...if she has access to a knife, gun, or has very long nails, this one will cost you dearly. Get her to do something you've never done (ie, anal, the fourbagger, the buckin' bronco, arabian goggles, etc.) and whilst in the act of dehumanizing her, say, "Oh, my god...this is so good. You are so f*cking hot, Annie...uh, I mean Lisa...no, Linda, um Diane...um, what's your name again?". Immediately withdraw your troops and engage in a tactical withdrawal to a distance at which your junk is just out of kicking, grabbing, biting and/or cutting range. If you can some how manage to blow cheez on her (anywhere, since you probably won't have time to aim), you are worthy of induction into the "cool muthaf*cka Hall of Fame."

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Dear Legbreaker, This dude I bartend with is homies with the chick I am seeing...

Dear Legbreaker,

This dude I bartend with is homies with the chick I am seeing. Me and this guy are kinda friends, but he's been flirting hardcore with this chick (via text and s**t) since I've been seeing her. I confronted him last night and he told me not to get too vested with this chick because he didn't want to see me hurt (bulls**t). How should I handle this situation?

Thank you,


Sincerest apologies, AMP.

Due to an insane workload over the past few days, I have been unable to answer until now. Having read your letter, I'm glad you took the time to write. You, my friend, are being plagued by what my contemporaries call the "opportunistic cockblocker". In some circles, the "opportunistic cockblocker" is also referred to as "buddyf*cker", or "f*cking douchenozzle". No matter what you call him, this cat is bad news. As you may have guessed, this guy has designs on your girl. There are several ways of dealing with this...some of which are loads of fun...and some of which will land your @ss in jail (especially the one where you bust his leg with a tire iron, whilst delcaring, "Dems my fries, b*tch!").

As I see it, your options are as follows:

1) Beat him at his own game. Sure it's low. Sure it's sneaky. But remember...this @sshole is trying to bang your girl...and such behavior cannot be tolerated. Drop the cockblock on him...and drop it hard. Saying something to your girl along these lines: "did you know that (insert name of buddyf*cker here) gave (insert name of random girl that you don't really care about here) herpes? No joke! I heard it from (insert name of very good friend who will back you up on this ish here)...apparently old boy by lied about it and then rawdogged her...in the @ss. Now she has @ss herpes. How f*cked up is that?" After hearing that, his stock will fall faster than Enron's did. Bank on it.

2) Pull the rug out from under him. Want him to lose footing with your girl? Then start an earthquake. All you have to say is, "So...I don't know how to tell you this...but I overheard (insert name of f*ckwad here) telling someone that he's gonna f*ck your brains out. He was pretty f*cked up at the time, so he may not have known what he was saying...and that's the only reason I didn't beat his @ss on the spot"...then sit back and enjoy the fireworks...she'll have that @sshole's b@lls shrink wrapped so fast it will make you dizzy.

3) Make him look like a perv. Steal his phone, take a picture of your junk, and e-mail it to her. He'll be out of the picture faster than you can say"restraining order".

After any of the aforementioned options, you should put an exclamation point on things by f*ckin' her senseless and blowing your cheez in her grill. Outside of the satisfaction you'll get from the action itself, the fact that you've denied a potential cockblock in the process will instantly make you cooler than anyone you know.