Monday, April 28, 2008

Dear Legbreaker, I have a bit of a dilemma...

Dear Legbreaker,

I have a bit of a dilemma. One fateful day, I saw a video on youtube of randy couture choking out this girl on a radio show. Well being the curious fellow I am...the next time I was playing Dr. Goodlove with my girl, I wrapped my arm around her carotid and boom…lights out. The distorted look on her face and the piss in her pants was a huge turn on and now I am plagued by a new fetish…and a conflict of interest.

Needless to say my girlfriend isn't into it. Am I a sick-o or is she just unreasonable?

- Train Guy

Train guy,

While I can understand urges that some would call “adventurous”, this one might be a bit over the top. Don’t get me wrong…anyone with a penis will agree that there are times that the urge to choke out one’s girl can be pretty f*cking strong.

Unfortunately, following up on that urge will usually land your @ss in prison. You’ll probably still get kinky sex in the slam…but odds are it will be the kind that involves you wearing a wig, skirt, and clear heels.

Since you’ve probably got better things to do than get dehumanized by a 350 lb. member of the Aryan Nation nicknamed “Buttmugger” and simultaneously changing your name to “b*tchboy”, let’s discuss some alternatives to choking your girlfriend until she passes out and pisses her pants. Sound good?

The following alternatives should assuage your hunger for perversion, and keep you out of the slam to boot:

1) THE FOUR BAGGER: If you’re a baseball fan, you’ll love this one. As your girl is gobbling your goods, wait until you’re about to pop your wad, then pull your gigglestick back like you would a bat, and swing for the fences. While she’s reeling from the c*ckslap, you circle the bases…and play that sh*t up. Point to the sky ala Barry Bonds, go one flap down like Geoffrey Leonard, or beat on your chest and throw out peace signs like Sammy Sosa. When you reach home, blow your cheez in her grill, and give her a high five.

2) THE BUCKIN’ BRONCO: Like Westerns?? Awesome...because you are in for a wild ride, buckaroo! Get your girl on top, reverse cowgirl style…and tell her that she’s almost as good a lay as her best friend. Then hang on for dear life while humming the theme to Bonanza. If she manages to get away, chase her around the house with a lasso while wearing a white 10-gallon hat.

In addition to being really fun, both of the above mentioned alternatives are also legal. So, while you might still p*ss off your girl, you will not end up playing twister with the “welcome to prison committee” while doing a nickel in Attica.

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