Tuesday, November 25, 2008

There are certain things that I have yet to figure out about women...

Dear Legbreaker,

There are certain things that I have yet to figure out about women...so here's one for you, bro. As I'm sure that plenty of inquiringminds would like to know...Question: How do you get an "inexperienced" chick to try "backdoor love"?I have a new chick that will do everything from handcuffs to blindfolds to paddles(leather AND wooden) and even a lil PDA (that's "public displays of affection", fellas, but not just kissing and hugging)I can say "It only hurts in the beginning" so many times...I've tried a lil alcohol (no chloroform yet though)...the seal on a new bottle of KY has yet to be broken.Problem is that her V-gap is about the size of the hole in a Lifesaver...a few problems there in the beginning - but you know my motto...If it don't fit, Force it!...to add, her A-gap is even smaller (how does this woman take a crap, seriously?) I'm not sure if it's even possible for her to take the manhammer down the dookie-shoot Your thoughts?



Dear Gig,

First things first, congrats on the new girl. Everything from handcuffs to blindfolds encompasses a mountain of seriously perverse sh*t…I am proud of you!

Your question is one that has boggled mankind since the dawn of time: How to open the back door?

When analyzing potential approaches to this situation, it is vital to understand that resistance is usually based on one of three factors: Fear, moral hang-ups, or outright bitchiness. While each of the aforementioned can be difficult to deal with, keep your chin up…because all of them can be overcome.

There are a couple of methods for effectively penetrating the A-gap. Remember…what I am about to break down for you here will work…at least once and under the right circumstances, anyway.

“Surprise!” (Also called the Jack-in-the-Box) Technique: In order to pull off the surprise technique, you have to be fast…and have a pre-planned escape route. In order to set the table for the surprise technique; you should get your girl in the mood…a little champagne, some chocolate covered strawberries, and a little Barry White/Al Green/Marvin Gaye pumping in the background for good measure. Once you think she’s ready, start to slow dance with her. Your conversation should go something like this:

Gig: I have a surprise for you, baby.

Her: Ooh! Really? I love surprises!

Gig: Well you’ll love this then… but I need you to get on your hands & knees and close your eyes.

Her: What? Why?

Gig: If I told you, it would ruin the surprise.

Her: Hmmm. Okay. **Closes eyes and drops**

Gig: You ready baby? Here it comes…SURPRISE!

Coincidentally, this is why this method is also called the “Jack-in-the-Box” Technique. It will result in either a squeal of joy followed by clapping and laughter, or a terror filled shriek and uncontrollable crying (and potentially, an vengeful swipe at your cojones). Risky? Sure. But if you do the cost/benefit, you will realize that you come out the winner every time…if she likes it, you’re golden. If not, you have weeded an unwilling philly outta your stable of hoes.

Straight Talk Express: If you want to get your girl on board the straight talk express, you will need two things: a heartless friend in the medical field that owes you a favor, and a girl that’s sharp as a marble. This conversation is best set over drinks. Specifically, it is best set over 5 double extra dry vodka martinis (stupidity alone might not get the job done…but stupidity and alcohol are a winner every time):

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: So, I was reading something pretty disturbing in the AMA Journal today.

Gig: Really? What’s up, bro?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Apparently, colon cancer rates have been skyrocketing in female Pacific Islanders.

Gig: Shut the f*ck up!

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: No joke, man. Apparently they have less anal sex than any other demographic segment.

Her: I don’t know why any chick would give up the @ss. On the real.

Gig: **sigh**

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Well, then I hope you know a good anal oncologist, because your’re on the @ss cancer express, sweetheart.

Her: Oh no! Are you sure?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: I’m in the medical field…we know EVERYTHING…especially about @ss cancer.

Her: What can I do to lower my risk?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Well…you could increase your lycopene intake, eat more fibrous foods, and get your @ss destroyed at least once a day.

Her: What?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Preliminary studies show that women who give up the @ss have a significantly lower chance of contracting @ss cancer.

Gig: **slips friend a $50 bill under the table**

Her: Gig, will you wreck my @ss later?

Gig: I don’t know…you seemed a little reluctant before…

Her: But that was before the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic! I need your help! Please?

Gig: Well, if it means that I keep you safe from the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic…I’ll do it. But only because I care.

As you can see…booze and an uncommonly high level of stupidity are required to pull this one off…but unlike the surprise technique, this one should keep you A-gap friendly for a while. Or until one of her friends looks up the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic on Web MD.

Well, amigo…I hope these suggestions help. Keep in mind that conquest of the female @ss is a rare and beautiful thing. When coupled with blowing your cheez in her grill, there isn’t a more heartfelt, sincere way of saying, “I’m really only using you for sex…and sorry about getting it in your eye.”

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