Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Dearest Legbreaker...

Dearest Legbreaker,

Simply put, how do you prevent premature ejaculation?


Dear AC,

Thanks for writing…especially about such a serious issue.

Right now, there are men in the world who have never known the joy of blowing their cheez in a random tramp’s grill. You might think that these men can’t spit game, or perhaps that they are incapable of finding the cooter…but the sad fact is that the majority of these guys are unable to make it to the grill. Can you think of anything more tragic?

Fortunately, it is possible to cure the “unintentional misfire”. There are three methods that will keep you from squeezing of a round sooner than you want to:

The ESPN: Are you a sports fan? If so, this is the “unintentional misfire” management tool for you. First things first, you’ve got to brush up on your sports trivia. Then, you have to indentify a hoochie to hammer. Now that you’re ready to get freaky, you can effectively employ “the ESPN”. When you feel the urge to pop your wad, ask yourself a sports question (in your head…we don’t want your hoochie thinking you’re a f*cking nutbar). If you’re a fatty from the Midwest, maybe it’s a bowling question. If you’re a stud from the left coast, maybe it’s a piece of 49er trivia. As you can see, effective employment of this technique can go on for hours, depending on how many sports you’re into. The most important aspect of this method is the finale, which consists of blowing cheez in your hoochie’s grill, spiking a football on her @ss, doing the Merton Hanks “chicken dance”, and screaming “Touchdown!” at the top of your lungs.

The Pipe Cleaner: Not into sports? Pathetic. But since there is an existing, however small number of you who cannot employ “the ESPN”, I humbly present “the Pipe Cleaner”. The premise is simple enough…wait until about two hours before you are expected to drop the hammer, and just fap, fap fap your way to more staying power. Timing is everything here, fellas…clean the pipes to early, and you’ll already have a round chambered when the magic happens…clean the pipes to late, and your hoochie hammer will be rockin’ more flop than the Italian National Soccer Team. It doesn’t matter if you can flip your sh*t around like Bruce Lee in “Enter the Dragon”, either…because if you’re rockin’ the flop, the panties won’t drop.

The Barbara Bush: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Legbreaker, what if I don’t know how long it will be before I hit it, or if I blank on all of my sports knowledge in the face of some seriously ridicul-@ss, or some titani-t*tties?” Don’t trip, homie…I have got you covered like a jimmy hat. For the times when you’re caught in an @ss avalanche or a t*tty tornado, I recommend the Barbara Bush. How does it work? Glad you asked. When you’re about to bathe your ho of the moment in baby batter, simply picture Barbara Bush...naked. How’s that for a splooey stopper? Caution: keep the image in your head just long enough to kill the urge to skeet. Think of it too long, and you could permanently impair your ability to unleash the beast. You have been warned.

Hopefully these suggestions will stave off the dreaded “unintentional misfire”. Be wary…if these can’t keep you free of the premature skeet-skeet, you are in need of more help than I am qualified to provide.

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