Sunday, April 13, 2008

Dear Legbreaker, I am currently talking to a few different girls...

Dear Legbreaker,

I am currently talking to a few different girls and I find myself in uncharted waters. I have never dated more than one girl at a time. I am up front with them and let them know that I'm not interested in being anyone's boyfriend right now, but I have been around long enough to know that reason and estrogen blend together like Farrakhan and a KKK social. So my question is this. How do I get Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of sex (minus the Glenn Close part) without the Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of consequences?

Sincerely,

Michael Douglas

MD,

Thanks for writing! Uncharted waters, huh? Dating multiple women is something every man must do at one point in his life...but finding one’s way to the box & boobs buffet can be pretty f*cking mixed bag, amigo. There is inherent danger in dating more than one woman at a time…but if you carefully analyze the situation, you’ll see that there is one motherf*cker of an upside. Sounds like it’s time to employ one of the most basic risk management techniques there is: The Cost/Benefit Analysis.

As I see it, the potential costs are as follows:

1) Potential for Penile Amputation and/or Castration.
2) Potential Bankruptcy (everyone pays for it…there is no such thing as a free lunch…or free cooter).
3) Increased potential for paternity issues (friends don’t let friends play without a helmet).


And now for the benefits:

1) Tits…lots and lots of tits.
2) Increased odds of nailing the “hat trick” (3 women…one day. Live the dream, amigo…live the dream).

If you can afford it, and make sure that your f*ckpuppets don’t find out about each other, you are in for more fun (and exhaustion) than you can shake a box of rubbers at.

And now to your question: How do I get Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of sex (minus the Glenn Close part) without the Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of consequences?

Answer: You don’t. That’s right, bro…you don’t. Which brings me to the second most basic risk management technique there is: The Risk/Reward Trade-off. Remember this: If she’s crazy in the sack, the b*tch is probably whack. Essentially, you have to weigh the benefit of getting f*cked into a coma against the risk of being shot/stabbed/slashed into a coma. If you have a penis, then you know the answer…of course it’s worth the risk! Severe bodily injury is nothing when it comes to the potential for world class cooch.

Happy humping, amigo!

2 comments:

Dana said...

Shit is hilarious!!

Dana said...

Shit is hilarious!!