Dear Legbreaker, I met this chick in class...

Dear Legbreaker,

I met this chick in class at the beginning of the semester, and we've been studying together. She invited me over to her house to study, and some guy answered the door. Ouch. We ended up studying, and I just figured that we'd be friends. Then we met one day for lunch, and she tells me she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Apparently this isn't the first time. At this point she bursts in to tears and gives me a big hug. Tells me she hates him and is never going to see him again.

She has been flirting with me, big time. She compliments me on my clothes, my smell, and my body. I compliment her back, tell her how smart and pretty she is...etc. She hugs me, sometimes hard and passionate, sometimes more gentle and "friendly". We talk about politics and agree on most everything. She touches my arms flirtatiously, plays with hair when we're sitting together, pats my leg...etc.

So, we are out with a bunch of people the other night. We get really drunk and she offers to me stay at her place "on her couch". On her couch? WTF? So we go back to her place and, true to her word, fixes up the couch for me. Yay. She apparently wasn't interested in having me in her bed so I didn't press the issue. Now she says I'm her best friend, and that she is really glad we met. She hugs me and cries sometimes, saying that she doesn't know what she'd do without me.

Anyway, what do you make of this girl? Is she just not into me? Is she just scared about getting into a relationship after this messy breakout with her boyfriend of 7 years? Is there any hope getting out of "best friend" territory and into her panties? Not that I'm just looking for that, mind you, but it would be nice. I'm really f**king confused by this chick. Moreso than with a lot of other chicks. I'm not sure how hard to press because of the sensitivity of her situation. I need some advice. This is f*cking with my head.

Help me!

-Slothrop


Dear Slothrop,

I feel your pain. Really. She's hot, kinda flirty, and you want to park the beef bus in tuna town. Who wouldn't?Now...after reading everything you've written, I have identified a few of the more pertinent red flags:

1) She tells me she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Apparently this isn't the first time. At this point she bursts in to tears and gives me a big hug. Tells me she hates him and is never going to see him again.

There is a thin line between love and hate...and a friggin' brick wall between friend and f*ckbuddy. She may hate him now...but wait until the batteries in her vibrator die. She'll be gobbling his junk like a bum on a Big Mac. Hugs are for "friends". If she had burst into tears, then started giving you a hummer, you wouldn't have much to worry about. The hug is a dark omen, though.

2) She compliments me on my clothes, my smell, and my body. I compliment her back, tell her how smart and pretty she is...etc. She hugs me, sometimes hard and passionate, sometimes more gentle and "friendly". We talk about politics and agree on most everything. She touches my arms flirtatiously, plays with hair when we're sitting together, pats my leg...etc.

Understand...by complimenting a woman you have yet to dehumanize...you are essentially cockblocking yourself. You see...the "complimenting friend" is an asexual being. In her eyes, he is persona non-nookie. This, my friend, is bad f*cking jenga…and most definitely NOT where you want to be. You must also understand that her flirty touching and leg pats are similar to the directions one gets on Google maps. Just follow the f*cking signs, and you are home free. Her flirty arm rub is chick speak for "please destroy my @ss and pop your wad in my face". Seriously.

3) We get really drunk and she offers to me stay at her place "on her couch". On her couch? WTF? So we go back to her place and, true to her word, fixes up the couch for me. Yay. She apparently wasn't interested in having me in her bed so I didn't press the issue.

Ugh. You were really drunk, and she said you could stay at her house. Hm...I wonder, what she was thinking? Care for a hint? She was thinking, "I sure wish Slothrop would scramble my ovaries". Word to the wise...when you walk up to the door...you should at least take the time to knock. Translation: Next time you are "sleeping on her couch" ask her if she's ever had her hips dislocated.

And now for the answers to your questions:

1) What do you make of this girl? Is she just not into me? Is she just scared about getting into a relationship after this messy breakout with her boyfriend of 7 years?

I think this girl is just like every other girl. She has a vagina. This makes her insane. That’s not always a bad thing, though. Understand that there's no controlling this...but you can learn to tolerate it if the payout is steady.

2) Is there any hope getting out of "best friend" territory and into her panties?

Yes!!! There is hope. What you must do is simple:

1) Drop your pants, and look down. Do you have a penis? Good. Start acting like it. This girl is not out for a "relationship". She wants you to f*ck her brains out. She does not want to hear "I love you"...she wants to feel like she can get some action after getting tossed aside by her boyfriend (who, by the way, treated her like s**t...and still has her thinking about him).

2) Stop complimenting her. Now.

3) Be a wise@ss. Make fun of stupid little sh*t that you know she pays attention to…hair, nails, clothes, whatever. Just keep her off balance. This will make you "intriguing".

4) The next time she calls, let it go to voicemail.

5) The next time she wants to hang out...tell her you have plans. DO NOT ELABORATE.

6) When you see her next, think of it this way: She is the rebound, and you are Dennis Rodman...go get that sh*t.

7) When you do finally hang out with her, be late, unapologetic, and ready to take action with you get the green light.

8) The next time she touches your arm, move your hand to her waist.

9) As always...when step 8 leads you where it ought to...blow your cheez in her grill. Trust me, she'll love it.

Dear Legbreaker, f*ck me, I asked this chick I barely knew for 2 days...

Dear Legbreaker,

F*ck me, I asked this chick I barely knew for 2 days out because I thought she was cute. So we are hanging out and I realize that she's not my type and that she's a nice girl so I don't wanna lead her on for some coochie and hurt her feelings later. The f*cked up sh*t is that we did couple stuff yesterday like holding hands and cuddling (gay) and all that s**t. So now I have a few days to tell her that we should remain friends only. I am also stuck seeing her twice a week now. F*ck I am stupid. What do I do now?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Hey there bro...sounds like you have the kind of problem that I specialize in. Just to make sure that I have it all straight, I'll restate the problem: You started dating a chick from work, and now you are looking for a way out. Sound about right? Good.

Before getting to your best option, there are a few elements to your story that I find a litte troubling:

1) So we are hanging out and I realize that she's not my type. So, um...how is she not your type? Is her vagina functional? She has two t*ts, three holes and a heartbeat, doesn't she? Unless your answer here is that she has a fat @ss, one t*t or a f*cked up grill, I think you need to re-examine your priorities, amigo.

2) She's a nice girl so I don't wanna lead her on for some coochie and hurt her feelings later. Um...why? You understand what your p*nis is used for, don't you? There are men in the world that will never get within sniffing distance of a vagina, and here you are, turning one down. Shame on you. Remember: A vagina is a terrible thing to waste...when it's attached to a smashable piece of tail anyway. That's like turning down pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving! Are you hungry? F*ck no! You are so f*cking stuffed, you can't even move. But you take the pie anyway...and you grin your @ss off, too. Take the pie bro. Top it with some Cool Whip. Then f*ck the sh*t out of it.

3) The f*cked up sh*t is that we did couple stuff yesterday like holding hands and cuddling (gay) and all that s**t. You cuddled with her and held hands *before* you got in her pants? And you have no intention of getting in her pants anyway? Ugh. You understand that cuddling and handholding are essential elements in the emotional blackmail required to conquer the average piece of p*ssy, right? Don't put that sh*t on the table until you are negotiating frequency, duration and variety! Sadly, you may have already poisoned the well for further negotiation.

And now I will address the solution to your problem. First things first, all men know that the first cardinal rule of finding cooch to conquer is that you should do it in someone else's sandbox. Translation: do not dip your pen in the company ink. This, however, does not apply to you...because you've already signed for it...on credit...with a no refund or exchange policy. Christ on a cracker, you are in deep. You have but one option. Friend, you must smash. Whether you like her or not, take delivery and crush that sh*t. Then plan your exit.

I know what you're thinking: "But Legbreaker, how do I plan my exit once we've f*cked?" I'm glad you asked! There are two that work well...and I shall list both for you:

1) Personal Tragedy: If you want a girl to go away after you've hit it, but you can't bring yourself to say it, this is the solution for you. Stop f*cking her. Immediately. Act a little distant. Answer a few calls in front of her...then take them in private. Sooner or later, she'll ask what's up...and that is when you drop the bomb: My Mom/Dad/Brother/Sister/Grandma/Grandpa/Dog/Hamster/Goldfish is terminally ill/was abducted by aliens/ was hit by a truck/ has six months to live, etc. It should go something like this:

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: You’ve been acting strange…what’s the matter?

Anonymous: My hamster was involved in an accident yesterday.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: You have a hamster?

Anonymous: Uh, yeah…but he lives with my parents…in another state…really far away from this one.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Oh. What happened?

Anonymous: A pack of rabid gerbils sexually assaulted him. In the @ss. It doesn’t look like he’s going to make it.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: What can I do?

Anonymous: Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do. I just need some time to compose myself. I am so heartbroken.

Anonymous: I really like you…a lot. I just can’t give you what you need with the heartbreak that I am going through right now.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: But…

Anonymous: Oh, you are so sweet. That’s what I like about you. I could really use a friend right now.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Okay, but…

Anonymous: Awesome. Thanks for understanding. I’ll call you next week. Maybe.

2) Come to Jesus: If you are unworried about going to hell, or, you already know that you're f*cked in the afterlife anyway, this one's the ticket. Tell her that you have recently "found Jesus", and that J wants you to re-examine what you’ve been doing with your gigglestick. State that you will be practicing celibacy in order to keep your mind clear so you can create a better relationship with your Lord and Savior...then watch as she walks (or runs) away.

Hope those help, bro...and good luck. You're going to need it.