Monday, April 28, 2008

Dear Legbreaker, I have a bit of a dilemma...

Dear Legbreaker,

I have a bit of a dilemma. One fateful day, I saw a video on youtube of randy couture choking out this girl on a radio show. Well being the curious fellow I am...the next time I was playing Dr. Goodlove with my girl, I wrapped my arm around her carotid and boom…lights out. The distorted look on her face and the piss in her pants was a huge turn on and now I am plagued by a new fetish…and a conflict of interest.

Needless to say my girlfriend isn't into it. Am I a sick-o or is she just unreasonable?

- Train Guy

Train guy,

While I can understand urges that some would call “adventurous”, this one might be a bit over the top. Don’t get me wrong…anyone with a penis will agree that there are times that the urge to choke out one’s girl can be pretty f*cking strong.

Unfortunately, following up on that urge will usually land your @ss in prison. You’ll probably still get kinky sex in the slam…but odds are it will be the kind that involves you wearing a wig, skirt, and clear heels.

Since you’ve probably got better things to do than get dehumanized by a 350 lb. member of the Aryan Nation nicknamed “Buttmugger” and simultaneously changing your name to “b*tchboy”, let’s discuss some alternatives to choking your girlfriend until she passes out and pisses her pants. Sound good?

The following alternatives should assuage your hunger for perversion, and keep you out of the slam to boot:

1) THE FOUR BAGGER: If you’re a baseball fan, you’ll love this one. As your girl is gobbling your goods, wait until you’re about to pop your wad, then pull your gigglestick back like you would a bat, and swing for the fences. While she’s reeling from the c*ckslap, you circle the bases…and play that sh*t up. Point to the sky ala Barry Bonds, go one flap down like Geoffrey Leonard, or beat on your chest and throw out peace signs like Sammy Sosa. When you reach home, blow your cheez in her grill, and give her a high five.

2) THE BUCKIN’ BRONCO: Like Westerns?? Awesome...because you are in for a wild ride, buckaroo! Get your girl on top, reverse cowgirl style…and tell her that she’s almost as good a lay as her best friend. Then hang on for dear life while humming the theme to Bonanza. If she manages to get away, chase her around the house with a lasso while wearing a white 10-gallon hat.

In addition to being really fun, both of the above mentioned alternatives are also legal. So, while you might still p*ss off your girl, you will not end up playing twister with the “welcome to prison committee” while doing a nickel in Attica.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Dear Legbreaker, my friend was with this girl for 2 years, almost at the engagement/marriage stage of their relationship...

Dear Legbreaker,

My friend was with this girl for 2 years, almost at the engagement/marriage stage of their relationship. She was going on a trip to NY to meet up with her brother for something, but when she comes back a week later, she goes to take a shower right away and my friend picks up her clothes. He finds a bunch of receipts in the pockets of her jeans (don't know if that's invasion of privacy, because they were in her freaking jeans) but they were all from Florida... Soon he found out how she was sleeping with someone else behind his back, and his heart literally fell out of his chest for like 3 months. He's back to his pimpin ways now, but he is a different person; he doesn't trust any of the chicks he's picking up. I'm 20, nothing like this has happened to me yet, but was wondering...should I expect it?



The short answer is...yes. You can most definitely expect it to happen to you. Along with all sorts of other really crazy sh*t. You've got to be prepared.

How do you prepare for sh*t like this? By talking to someone who has already been through me. I try to liken my past experiences to non-threatening, even comical things. When it comes to women, I like to think of them as Barbies. Trust me on works.

Basically, most women are insane. They will lie to you, cheat on you, and in general do all sorts of random sh*t that will make you feel like jumping off a bridge. Why, you ask? Bro, there are some questions that cannot be answered. All a man can do is make the best of a f*cked up situation.

Let's use my experience as an example: if all the women I've screwed were Barbies...what kind of Barbie would they be? In the space between waking and sleeping, I've often found myself wondering this very thing. Laura? Kim? Donna? Josie? Sarah? Sonia? Marcy? All of the others? Read on, amigo.

***Important Editors Note: There are some categories that refer to more than one girl, but for the sake of succinct, to the point reporting, and in order to protect the anonymity of the innocent, they have not ALL been listed in individual categories...I've got to get SOME work done today***

1)"80's Cheerleader" Barbie: Comes complete with pom poms, big hair, aqua net, tons of make up, Reebok athletic shoes with that cheesy Velcro strap, tight jeans with little zippers at the ankle, and a burnt, scratched, smashed Sadie Hawkins Dance picture that she'll mail to you after you realize what a tramp she is and break up with her so you can date her really hot friend.

2)"Future crack ho" Barbie: This little number comes complete with a bright green leather miniskirt, strappy spike heels, a tube top, bright pink lipstick, bleach blonde hair, a nickel bag labeled "gateway drug", and a brass proto pipe that she will hurl at you after you realize what a tramp she is and break up with her to date this really hot chick from the drama club.

3) The "first girl I ever kissed" Barbie: She comes with a shitty little Volkswagen rabbit, an Annie Lennox hairdo, big cans (where did those come from?), a killer smile, and an alternate personality that she'll keep hidden until you realize that she sucks in bed and dump her to avoid having your unit chewed off during her next painfully average attempt at a blow job.

4)"Secret Tramp" Barbie: This Barbie is your mom's friend's daughter. She looks like she could be hot, but always wears baggy clothes, so you can't really tell. Then your mom makes you take her to a Depeche Mode concert at Shoreline, and she dresses like she just got the lead in a porno flick. Then she jumps your bones so hard that you can't walk for a week. It all seems great until you're forced to dump her when you realize that this crazy bitch will threaten you with a f*cking butcher knife if you even talk to another girl.

5)"Amazon" Barbie: This Barbie has legs that are longer than you, a backside that won't quit, and is the sexual equivalent of Godzilla in the sack. She comes complete with a giant bottle of lube, an econo pack of Trojans, a porn collection bigger than yours and a Norplant birth control device. She also comes with "Old rich fucker" Ken doll, who drives a Ferrari, and after 3 years and expensive engagement ring, she'll dump you to become his trophy girlfriend.

6)"Stiffler's Mom" Barbie: She comes with a leopard print skin tight spandex top, a brand new jag, a really hot daughter 2 years younger than you, fake D cups that look like volleyballs, and an ass that you could play quarters on. Unlike other Barbies, she'll only screw Ken's little brother.

7)"How drunk was I?" Barbie: She comes with a bottle of Bacardi, a third story apartment, and a great personality. She varies in appearance, but will usually have some glaring physical flaw like a huge f*cking nose, tank ass, snaggletooth, or a moustache. The more you drink, the hotter she gets. After nearly breaking your leg on the stairs to her place in your early morning escape, your question to your friends is "Why did you let me do that? Why?"

8)"Is anybody looking?" Barbie: See "How drunk was I?" Barbie. This Barbie is essentially the same, minus the alcohol. If any of your friends find out, you will never live this one down.

9)"Only 19 and already in a 12-Step Program" Barbie: She comes with a 6 month Sobriety Chip, a lifetime supply of Marlboro Lights, the most beautiful face you have ever seen, a rig worthy of Playboy, and enough psychological problems to give Charles Manson nightmares. She's peaches and cream until she dumps you to date a coke dealer from her AA meetings.

10)"Sorority Tramp" Barbie: She comes complete with a Delta Zeta, Chi Omega, Kappa Delta, Alpha Phi, Delta Gamma, or Alpha Omicron Pi sweatshirt, a sharpie that you can use to autograph the bottom of the couch/piano/table in the living room of her sorority house after you bang her, and a reputation about as pure as the water in a sewage treatment facility. Better have that penicillin shot handy,'re going to need it.

11)"That hot chick from high school" Barbie: She comes with a 5 year old yearbook, a plastic smile, and a great rack. She was hot in high school, but she's even hotter in college. She's great until you have to dump her because she is about as exciting as a vasectomy in the sack and she slashes your tires, sticks a knife in the door to your apartment, and stalks you for a year.

12)"Jewish Princess" Barbie: She comes with a great rack, a killer personality, more diamonds than f*cking DeBeers, and a father who hates you because you're Catholic. The only reason that she's even dating you is because you are an Art Major, and she wants to piss off her parents. She's a monster in the sack, and a lot of fun to be around until she dumps you to date this cheesy asshole that just started his own plastic surgery practice in LA.

13) "What the f*ck was I thinking?" Barbie: She comes complete with a shitty attitude, a blue Ford Probe, multiple personalities and a sexual appetite that is absolutely ridiculous...until you make the biggest f*cking mistake of your life and marry the crazy b*tch. Only then do you find out about her aversion to sunlight, allergies to garlic, holy water and silver, and her need to suck your lifeblood out of you at every available opportunity.

14) "Hot MILF from the Gym" Barbie: She's got a killer smile, a fucking amazing voice, great eyes, and her rack is insane...but so are her kids. She's a seriously good time until she gives you the "I hope you're ready for a family in which you provide all of the income" speech...after which you change your phone number, e-mail address, and tell her that you are off to explore the depth of your faith in a Buddhist Monastery in Tibet.

15)"Korean Hottie" Barbie: She comes with a great rack, a bottle of soju (The Devil's Nectar) and a really annoying voice. She's a banshee in the sack, but her voice is enough to make you pray for a stroke.

16) "Chemically Imbalanced" Barbie: This Barbie is the be all end all of everything you ever could have wanted...until you realize that you had no f*cking clue what you wanted when you met her. After a week with this f*cking nutbar, find yourself looking to overdose on Zoloft while simultaneously committing Japanese ritual suicide and driving your car off of a bridge.

Well, that's the short list. After reading it, I guess it’s a good thing that all of the chicks I've screwed aren't Barbies...who the hell would go to Toys R Us for that crap? will be one hell of a ride. The only thing you can do is take the good with the bad, always wear your wetsuit, and remember that even a crazy b*tch is better than no b*tch at all.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Dear Legbreaker, I am currently talking to a few different girls...

Dear Legbreaker,

I am currently talking to a few different girls and I find myself in uncharted waters. I have never dated more than one girl at a time. I am up front with them and let them know that I'm not interested in being anyone's boyfriend right now, but I have been around long enough to know that reason and estrogen blend together like Farrakhan and a KKK social. So my question is this. How do I get Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of sex (minus the Glenn Close part) without the Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of consequences?


Michael Douglas


Thanks for writing! Uncharted waters, huh? Dating multiple women is something every man must do at one point in his life...but finding one’s way to the box & boobs buffet can be pretty f*cking mixed bag, amigo. There is inherent danger in dating more than one woman at a time…but if you carefully analyze the situation, you’ll see that there is one motherf*cker of an upside. Sounds like it’s time to employ one of the most basic risk management techniques there is: The Cost/Benefit Analysis.

As I see it, the potential costs are as follows:

1) Potential for Penile Amputation and/or Castration.
2) Potential Bankruptcy (everyone pays for it…there is no such thing as a free lunch…or free cooter).
3) Increased potential for paternity issues (friends don’t let friends play without a helmet).

And now for the benefits:

1) Tits…lots and lots of tits.
2) Increased odds of nailing the “hat trick” (3 women…one day. Live the dream, amigo…live the dream).

If you can afford it, and make sure that your f*ckpuppets don’t find out about each other, you are in for more fun (and exhaustion) than you can shake a box of rubbers at.

And now to your question: How do I get Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of sex (minus the Glenn Close part) without the Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of consequences?

Answer: You don’t. That’s right, bro…you don’t. Which brings me to the second most basic risk management technique there is: The Risk/Reward Trade-off. Remember this: If she’s crazy in the sack, the b*tch is probably whack. Essentially, you have to weigh the benefit of getting f*cked into a coma against the risk of being shot/stabbed/slashed into a coma. If you have a penis, then you know the answer…of course it’s worth the risk! Severe bodily injury is nothing when it comes to the potential for world class cooch.

Happy humping, amigo!