Dear Legbreaker, I met this chick in class...

Dear Legbreaker,

I met this chick in class at the beginning of the semester, and we've been studying together. She invited me over to her house to study, and some guy answered the door. Ouch. We ended up studying, and I just figured that we'd be friends. Then we met one day for lunch, and she tells me she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Apparently this isn't the first time. At this point she bursts in to tears and gives me a big hug. Tells me she hates him and is never going to see him again.

She has been flirting with me, big time. She compliments me on my clothes, my smell, and my body. I compliment her back, tell her how smart and pretty she is...etc. She hugs me, sometimes hard and passionate, sometimes more gentle and "friendly". We talk about politics and agree on most everything. She touches my arms flirtatiously, plays with hair when we're sitting together, pats my leg...etc.

So, we are out with a bunch of people the other night. We get really drunk and she offers to me stay at her place "on her couch". On her couch? WTF? So we go back to her place and, true to her word, fixes up the couch for me. Yay. She apparently wasn't interested in having me in her bed so I didn't press the issue. Now she says I'm her best friend, and that she is really glad we met. She hugs me and cries sometimes, saying that she doesn't know what she'd do without me.

Anyway, what do you make of this girl? Is she just not into me? Is she just scared about getting into a relationship after this messy breakout with her boyfriend of 7 years? Is there any hope getting out of "best friend" territory and into her panties? Not that I'm just looking for that, mind you, but it would be nice. I'm really f**king confused by this chick. Moreso than with a lot of other chicks. I'm not sure how hard to press because of the sensitivity of her situation. I need some advice. This is f*cking with my head.

Help me!

-Slothrop


Dear Slothrop,

I feel your pain. Really. She's hot, kinda flirty, and you want to park the beef bus in tuna town. Who wouldn't?Now...after reading everything you've written, I have identified a few of the more pertinent red flags:

1) She tells me she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Apparently this isn't the first time. At this point she bursts in to tears and gives me a big hug. Tells me she hates him and is never going to see him again.

There is a thin line between love and hate...and a friggin' brick wall between friend and f*ckbuddy. She may hate him now...but wait until the batteries in her vibrator die. She'll be gobbling his junk like a bum on a Big Mac. Hugs are for "friends". If she had burst into tears, then started giving you a hummer, you wouldn't have much to worry about. The hug is a dark omen, though.

2) She compliments me on my clothes, my smell, and my body. I compliment her back, tell her how smart and pretty she is...etc. She hugs me, sometimes hard and passionate, sometimes more gentle and "friendly". We talk about politics and agree on most everything. She touches my arms flirtatiously, plays with hair when we're sitting together, pats my leg...etc.

Understand...by complimenting a woman you have yet to dehumanize...you are essentially cockblocking yourself. You see...the "complimenting friend" is an asexual being. In her eyes, he is persona non-nookie. This, my friend, is bad f*cking jenga…and most definitely NOT where you want to be. You must also understand that her flirty touching and leg pats are similar to the directions one gets on Google maps. Just follow the f*cking signs, and you are home free. Her flirty arm rub is chick speak for "please destroy my @ss and pop your wad in my face". Seriously.

3) We get really drunk and she offers to me stay at her place "on her couch". On her couch? WTF? So we go back to her place and, true to her word, fixes up the couch for me. Yay. She apparently wasn't interested in having me in her bed so I didn't press the issue.

Ugh. You were really drunk, and she said you could stay at her house. Hm...I wonder, what she was thinking? Care for a hint? She was thinking, "I sure wish Slothrop would scramble my ovaries". Word to the wise...when you walk up to the door...you should at least take the time to knock. Translation: Next time you are "sleeping on her couch" ask her if she's ever had her hips dislocated.

And now for the answers to your questions:

1) What do you make of this girl? Is she just not into me? Is she just scared about getting into a relationship after this messy breakout with her boyfriend of 7 years?

I think this girl is just like every other girl. She has a vagina. This makes her insane. That’s not always a bad thing, though. Understand that there's no controlling this...but you can learn to tolerate it if the payout is steady.

2) Is there any hope getting out of "best friend" territory and into her panties?

Yes!!! There is hope. What you must do is simple:

1) Drop your pants, and look down. Do you have a penis? Good. Start acting like it. This girl is not out for a "relationship". She wants you to f*ck her brains out. She does not want to hear "I love you"...she wants to feel like she can get some action after getting tossed aside by her boyfriend (who, by the way, treated her like s**t...and still has her thinking about him).

2) Stop complimenting her. Now.

3) Be a wise@ss. Make fun of stupid little sh*t that you know she pays attention to…hair, nails, clothes, whatever. Just keep her off balance. This will make you "intriguing".

4) The next time she calls, let it go to voicemail.

5) The next time she wants to hang out...tell her you have plans. DO NOT ELABORATE.

6) When you see her next, think of it this way: She is the rebound, and you are Dennis Rodman...go get that sh*t.

7) When you do finally hang out with her, be late, unapologetic, and ready to take action with you get the green light.

8) The next time she touches your arm, move your hand to her waist.

9) As always...when step 8 leads you where it ought to...blow your cheez in her grill. Trust me, she'll love it.

Dear Legbreaker, f*ck me, I asked this chick I barely knew for 2 days...

Dear Legbreaker,

F*ck me, I asked this chick I barely knew for 2 days out because I thought she was cute. So we are hanging out and I realize that she's not my type and that she's a nice girl so I don't wanna lead her on for some coochie and hurt her feelings later. The f*cked up sh*t is that we did couple stuff yesterday like holding hands and cuddling (gay) and all that s**t. So now I have a few days to tell her that we should remain friends only. I am also stuck seeing her twice a week now. F*ck I am stupid. What do I do now?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Hey there bro...sounds like you have the kind of problem that I specialize in. Just to make sure that I have it all straight, I'll restate the problem: You started dating a chick from work, and now you are looking for a way out. Sound about right? Good.

Before getting to your best option, there are a few elements to your story that I find a litte troubling:

1) So we are hanging out and I realize that she's not my type. So, um...how is she not your type? Is her vagina functional? She has two t*ts, three holes and a heartbeat, doesn't she? Unless your answer here is that she has a fat @ss, one t*t or a f*cked up grill, I think you need to re-examine your priorities, amigo.

2) She's a nice girl so I don't wanna lead her on for some coochie and hurt her feelings later. Um...why? You understand what your p*nis is used for, don't you? There are men in the world that will never get within sniffing distance of a vagina, and here you are, turning one down. Shame on you. Remember: A vagina is a terrible thing to waste...when it's attached to a smashable piece of tail anyway. That's like turning down pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving! Are you hungry? F*ck no! You are so f*cking stuffed, you can't even move. But you take the pie anyway...and you grin your @ss off, too. Take the pie bro. Top it with some Cool Whip. Then f*ck the sh*t out of it.

3) The f*cked up sh*t is that we did couple stuff yesterday like holding hands and cuddling (gay) and all that s**t. You cuddled with her and held hands *before* you got in her pants? And you have no intention of getting in her pants anyway? Ugh. You understand that cuddling and handholding are essential elements in the emotional blackmail required to conquer the average piece of p*ssy, right? Don't put that sh*t on the table until you are negotiating frequency, duration and variety! Sadly, you may have already poisoned the well for further negotiation.

And now I will address the solution to your problem. First things first, all men know that the first cardinal rule of finding cooch to conquer is that you should do it in someone else's sandbox. Translation: do not dip your pen in the company ink. This, however, does not apply to you...because you've already signed for it...on credit...with a no refund or exchange policy. Christ on a cracker, you are in deep. You have but one option. Friend, you must smash. Whether you like her or not, take delivery and crush that sh*t. Then plan your exit.

I know what you're thinking: "But Legbreaker, how do I plan my exit once we've f*cked?" I'm glad you asked! There are two that work well...and I shall list both for you:

1) Personal Tragedy: If you want a girl to go away after you've hit it, but you can't bring yourself to say it, this is the solution for you. Stop f*cking her. Immediately. Act a little distant. Answer a few calls in front of her...then take them in private. Sooner or later, she'll ask what's up...and that is when you drop the bomb: My Mom/Dad/Brother/Sister/Grandma/Grandpa/Dog/Hamster/Goldfish is terminally ill/was abducted by aliens/ was hit by a truck/ has six months to live, etc. It should go something like this:

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: You’ve been acting strange…what’s the matter?

Anonymous: My hamster was involved in an accident yesterday.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: You have a hamster?

Anonymous: Uh, yeah…but he lives with my parents…in another state…really far away from this one.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Oh. What happened?

Anonymous: A pack of rabid gerbils sexually assaulted him. In the @ss. It doesn’t look like he’s going to make it.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: What can I do?

Anonymous: Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do. I just need some time to compose myself. I am so heartbroken.

Anonymous: I really like you…a lot. I just can’t give you what you need with the heartbreak that I am going through right now.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: But…

Anonymous: Oh, you are so sweet. That’s what I like about you. I could really use a friend right now.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Okay, but…

Anonymous: Awesome. Thanks for understanding. I’ll call you next week. Maybe.

2) Come to Jesus: If you are unworried about going to hell, or, you already know that you're f*cked in the afterlife anyway, this one's the ticket. Tell her that you have recently "found Jesus", and that J wants you to re-examine what you’ve been doing with your gigglestick. State that you will be practicing celibacy in order to keep your mind clear so you can create a better relationship with your Lord and Savior...then watch as she walks (or runs) away.

Hope those help, bro...and good luck. You're going to need it.

Dearest Legbreaker...

Dearest Legbreaker,

Simply put, how do you prevent premature ejaculation?

Sincerely,
AC

Dear AC,

Thanks for writing…especially about such a serious issue.

Right now, there are men in the world who have never known the joy of blowing their cheez in a random tramp’s grill. You might think that these men can’t spit game, or perhaps that they are incapable of finding the cooter…but the sad fact is that the majority of these guys are unable to make it to the grill. Can you think of anything more tragic?

Fortunately, it is possible to cure the “unintentional misfire”. There are three methods that will keep you from squeezing of a round sooner than you want to:

The ESPN: Are you a sports fan? If so, this is the “unintentional misfire” management tool for you. First things first, you’ve got to brush up on your sports trivia. Then, you have to indentify a hoochie to hammer. Now that you’re ready to get freaky, you can effectively employ “the ESPN”. When you feel the urge to pop your wad, ask yourself a sports question (in your head…we don’t want your hoochie thinking you’re a f*cking nutbar). If you’re a fatty from the Midwest, maybe it’s a bowling question. If you’re a stud from the left coast, maybe it’s a piece of 49er trivia. As you can see, effective employment of this technique can go on for hours, depending on how many sports you’re into. The most important aspect of this method is the finale, which consists of blowing cheez in your hoochie’s grill, spiking a football on her @ss, doing the Merton Hanks “chicken dance”, and screaming “Touchdown!” at the top of your lungs.

The Pipe Cleaner: Not into sports? Pathetic. But since there is an existing, however small number of you who cannot employ “the ESPN”, I humbly present “the Pipe Cleaner”. The premise is simple enough…wait until about two hours before you are expected to drop the hammer, and just fap, fap fap your way to more staying power. Timing is everything here, fellas…clean the pipes to early, and you’ll already have a round chambered when the magic happens…clean the pipes to late, and your hoochie hammer will be rockin’ more flop than the Italian National Soccer Team. It doesn’t matter if you can flip your sh*t around like Bruce Lee in “Enter the Dragon”, either…because if you’re rockin’ the flop, the panties won’t drop.

The Barbara Bush: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Legbreaker, what if I don’t know how long it will be before I hit it, or if I blank on all of my sports knowledge in the face of some seriously ridicul-@ss, or some titani-t*tties?” Don’t trip, homie…I have got you covered like a jimmy hat. For the times when you’re caught in an @ss avalanche or a t*tty tornado, I recommend the Barbara Bush. How does it work? Glad you asked. When you’re about to bathe your ho of the moment in baby batter, simply picture Barbara Bush...naked. How’s that for a splooey stopper? Caution: keep the image in your head just long enough to kill the urge to skeet. Think of it too long, and you could permanently impair your ability to unleash the beast. You have been warned.


Hopefully these suggestions will stave off the dreaded “unintentional misfire”. Be wary…if these can’t keep you free of the premature skeet-skeet, you are in need of more help than I am qualified to provide.

There are certain things that I have yet to figure out about women...

Dear Legbreaker,

There are certain things that I have yet to figure out about women...so here's one for you, bro. As I'm sure that plenty of inquiringminds would like to know...Question: How do you get an "inexperienced" chick to try "backdoor love"?I have a new chick that will do everything from handcuffs to blindfolds to paddles(leather AND wooden) and even a lil PDA (that's "public displays of affection", fellas, but not just kissing and hugging)I can say "It only hurts in the beginning" so many times...I've tried a lil alcohol (no chloroform yet though)...the seal on a new bottle of KY has yet to be broken.Problem is that her V-gap is about the size of the hole in a Lifesaver...a few problems there in the beginning - but you know my motto...If it don't fit, Force it!...to add, her A-gap is even smaller (how does this woman take a crap, seriously?) I'm not sure if it's even possible for her to take the manhammer down the dookie-shoot Your thoughts?

Thanks,

Gigs

Dear Gig,

First things first, congrats on the new girl. Everything from handcuffs to blindfolds encompasses a mountain of seriously perverse sh*t…I am proud of you!

Your question is one that has boggled mankind since the dawn of time: How to open the back door?

When analyzing potential approaches to this situation, it is vital to understand that resistance is usually based on one of three factors: Fear, moral hang-ups, or outright bitchiness. While each of the aforementioned can be difficult to deal with, keep your chin up…because all of them can be overcome.

There are a couple of methods for effectively penetrating the A-gap. Remember…what I am about to break down for you here will work…at least once and under the right circumstances, anyway.

“Surprise!” (Also called the Jack-in-the-Box) Technique: In order to pull off the surprise technique, you have to be fast…and have a pre-planned escape route. In order to set the table for the surprise technique; you should get your girl in the mood…a little champagne, some chocolate covered strawberries, and a little Barry White/Al Green/Marvin Gaye pumping in the background for good measure. Once you think she’s ready, start to slow dance with her. Your conversation should go something like this:

Gig: I have a surprise for you, baby.

Her: Ooh! Really? I love surprises!

Gig: Well you’ll love this then… but I need you to get on your hands & knees and close your eyes.

Her: What? Why?

Gig: If I told you, it would ruin the surprise.

Her: Hmmm. Okay. **Closes eyes and drops**

Gig: You ready baby? Here it comes…SURPRISE!

Coincidentally, this is why this method is also called the “Jack-in-the-Box” Technique. It will result in either a squeal of joy followed by clapping and laughter, or a terror filled shriek and uncontrollable crying (and potentially, an vengeful swipe at your cojones). Risky? Sure. But if you do the cost/benefit, you will realize that you come out the winner every time…if she likes it, you’re golden. If not, you have weeded an unwilling philly outta your stable of hoes.

Straight Talk Express: If you want to get your girl on board the straight talk express, you will need two things: a heartless friend in the medical field that owes you a favor, and a girl that’s sharp as a marble. This conversation is best set over drinks. Specifically, it is best set over 5 double extra dry vodka martinis (stupidity alone might not get the job done…but stupidity and alcohol are a winner every time):

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: So, I was reading something pretty disturbing in the AMA Journal today.

Gig: Really? What’s up, bro?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Apparently, colon cancer rates have been skyrocketing in female Pacific Islanders.

Gig: Shut the f*ck up!

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: No joke, man. Apparently they have less anal sex than any other demographic segment.

Her: I don’t know why any chick would give up the @ss. On the real.

Gig: **sigh**

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Well, then I hope you know a good anal oncologist, because your’re on the @ss cancer express, sweetheart.

Her: Oh no! Are you sure?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: I’m in the medical field…we know EVERYTHING…especially about @ss cancer.

Her: What can I do to lower my risk?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Well…you could increase your lycopene intake, eat more fibrous foods, and get your @ss destroyed at least once a day.

Her: What?

Gig’s heartless friend in the medical field: Preliminary studies show that women who give up the @ss have a significantly lower chance of contracting @ss cancer.

Gig: **slips friend a $50 bill under the table**

Her: Gig, will you wreck my @ss later?

Gig: I don’t know…you seemed a little reluctant before…

Her: But that was before the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic! I need your help! Please?

Gig: Well, if it means that I keep you safe from the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic…I’ll do it. But only because I care.

As you can see…booze and an uncommonly high level of stupidity are required to pull this one off…but unlike the surprise technique, this one should keep you A-gap friendly for a while. Or until one of her friends looks up the Pinay @ss cancer epidemic on Web MD.


Well, amigo…I hope these suggestions help. Keep in mind that conquest of the female @ss is a rare and beautiful thing. When coupled with blowing your cheez in her grill, there isn’t a more heartfelt, sincere way of saying, “I’m really only using you for sex…and sorry about getting it in your eye.”

Dear Legbreaker, I have a bit of a dilemma...

Dear Legbreaker,

I have a bit of a dilemma. One fateful day, I saw a video on youtube of randy couture choking out this girl on a radio show. Well being the curious fellow I am...the next time I was playing Dr. Goodlove with my girl, I wrapped my arm around her carotid and boom…lights out. The distorted look on her face and the piss in her pants was a huge turn on and now I am plagued by a new fetish…and a conflict of interest.

Needless to say my girlfriend isn't into it. Am I a sick-o or is she just unreasonable?

- Train Guy

Train guy,

While I can understand urges that some would call “adventurous”, this one might be a bit over the top. Don’t get me wrong…anyone with a penis will agree that there are times that the urge to choke out one’s girl can be pretty f*cking strong.

Unfortunately, following up on that urge will usually land your @ss in prison. You’ll probably still get kinky sex in the slam…but odds are it will be the kind that involves you wearing a wig, skirt, and clear heels.

Since you’ve probably got better things to do than get dehumanized by a 350 lb. member of the Aryan Nation nicknamed “Buttmugger” and simultaneously changing your name to “b*tchboy”, let’s discuss some alternatives to choking your girlfriend until she passes out and pisses her pants. Sound good?

The following alternatives should assuage your hunger for perversion, and keep you out of the slam to boot:

1) THE FOUR BAGGER: If you’re a baseball fan, you’ll love this one. As your girl is gobbling your goods, wait until you’re about to pop your wad, then pull your gigglestick back like you would a bat, and swing for the fences. While she’s reeling from the c*ckslap, you circle the bases…and play that sh*t up. Point to the sky ala Barry Bonds, go one flap down like Geoffrey Leonard, or beat on your chest and throw out peace signs like Sammy Sosa. When you reach home, blow your cheez in her grill, and give her a high five.

2) THE BUCKIN’ BRONCO: Like Westerns?? Awesome...because you are in for a wild ride, buckaroo! Get your girl on top, reverse cowgirl style…and tell her that she’s almost as good a lay as her best friend. Then hang on for dear life while humming the theme to Bonanza. If she manages to get away, chase her around the house with a lasso while wearing a white 10-gallon hat.

In addition to being really fun, both of the above mentioned alternatives are also legal. So, while you might still p*ss off your girl, you will not end up playing twister with the “welcome to prison committee” while doing a nickel in Attica.

Dear Legbreaker, my friend was with this girl for 2 years, almost at the engagement/marriage stage of their relationship...

Dear Legbreaker,

My friend was with this girl for 2 years, almost at the engagement/marriage stage of their relationship. She was going on a trip to NY to meet up with her brother for something, but when she comes back a week later, she goes to take a shower right away and my friend picks up her clothes. He finds a bunch of receipts in the pockets of her jeans (don't know if that's invasion of privacy, because they were in her freaking jeans) but they were all from Florida... Soon he found out how she was sleeping with someone else behind his back, and his heart literally fell out of his chest for like 3 months. He's back to his pimpin ways now, but he is a different person; he doesn't trust any of the chicks he's picking up. I'm 20, nothing like this has happened to me yet, but was wondering...should I expect it?

Thanks,
Method

Method,

The short answer is...yes. You can most definitely expect it to happen to you. Along with all sorts of other really crazy sh*t. You've got to be prepared.

How do you prepare for sh*t like this? By talking to someone who has already been through it...like me. I try to liken my past experiences to non-threatening, even comical things. When it comes to women, I like to think of them as Barbies. Trust me on this...it works.

Basically, most women are insane. They will lie to you, cheat on you, and in general do all sorts of random sh*t that will make you feel like jumping off a bridge. Why, you ask? Bro, there are some questions that cannot be answered. All a man can do is make the best of a f*cked up situation.

Let's use my experience as an example: if all the women I've screwed were Barbies...what kind of Barbie would they be? In the space between waking and sleeping, I've often found myself wondering this very thing. Laura? Kim? Donna? Josie? Sarah? Sonia? Marcy? All of the others? Read on, amigo.

***Important Editors Note: There are some categories that refer to more than one girl, but for the sake of succinct, to the point reporting, and in order to protect the anonymity of the innocent, they have not ALL been listed in individual categories...I've got to get SOME work done today***

1)"80's Cheerleader" Barbie: Comes complete with pom poms, big hair, aqua net, tons of make up, Reebok athletic shoes with that cheesy Velcro strap, tight jeans with little zippers at the ankle, and a burnt, scratched, smashed Sadie Hawkins Dance picture that she'll mail to you after you realize what a tramp she is and break up with her so you can date her really hot friend.

2)"Future crack ho" Barbie: This little number comes complete with a bright green leather miniskirt, strappy spike heels, a tube top, bright pink lipstick, bleach blonde hair, a nickel bag labeled "gateway drug", and a brass proto pipe that she will hurl at you after you realize what a tramp she is and break up with her to date this really hot chick from the drama club.

3) The "first girl I ever kissed" Barbie: She comes with a shitty little Volkswagen rabbit, an Annie Lennox hairdo, big cans (where did those come from?), a killer smile, and an alternate personality that she'll keep hidden until you realize that she sucks in bed and dump her to avoid having your unit chewed off during her next painfully average attempt at a blow job.

4)"Secret Tramp" Barbie: This Barbie is your mom's friend's daughter. She looks like she could be hot, but always wears baggy clothes, so you can't really tell. Then your mom makes you take her to a Depeche Mode concert at Shoreline, and she dresses like she just got the lead in a porno flick. Then she jumps your bones so hard that you can't walk for a week. It all seems great until you're forced to dump her when you realize that this crazy bitch will threaten you with a f*cking butcher knife if you even talk to another girl.

5)"Amazon" Barbie: This Barbie has legs that are longer than you, a backside that won't quit, and is the sexual equivalent of Godzilla in the sack. She comes complete with a giant bottle of lube, an econo pack of Trojans, a porn collection bigger than yours and a Norplant birth control device. She also comes with "Old rich fucker" Ken doll, who drives a Ferrari, and after 3 years and expensive engagement ring, she'll dump you to become his trophy girlfriend.

6)"Stiffler's Mom" Barbie: She comes with a leopard print skin tight spandex top, a brand new jag, a really hot daughter 2 years younger than you, fake D cups that look like volleyballs, and an ass that you could play quarters on. Unlike other Barbies, she'll only screw Ken's little brother.

7)"How drunk was I?" Barbie: She comes with a bottle of Bacardi, a third story apartment, and a great personality. She varies in appearance, but will usually have some glaring physical flaw like a huge f*cking nose, tank ass, snaggletooth, or a moustache. The more you drink, the hotter she gets. After nearly breaking your leg on the stairs to her place in your early morning escape, your question to your friends is "Why did you let me do that? Why?"

8)"Is anybody looking?" Barbie: See "How drunk was I?" Barbie. This Barbie is essentially the same, minus the alcohol. If any of your friends find out, you will never live this one down.

9)"Only 19 and already in a 12-Step Program" Barbie: She comes with a 6 month Sobriety Chip, a lifetime supply of Marlboro Lights, the most beautiful face you have ever seen, a rig worthy of Playboy, and enough psychological problems to give Charles Manson nightmares. She's peaches and cream until she dumps you to date a coke dealer from her AA meetings.

10)"Sorority Tramp" Barbie: She comes complete with a Delta Zeta, Chi Omega, Kappa Delta, Alpha Phi, Delta Gamma, or Alpha Omicron Pi sweatshirt, a sharpie that you can use to autograph the bottom of the couch/piano/table in the living room of her sorority house after you bang her, and a reputation about as pure as the water in a sewage treatment facility. Better have that penicillin shot handy, bro...you're going to need it.

11)"That hot chick from high school" Barbie: She comes with a 5 year old yearbook, a plastic smile, and a great rack. She was hot in high school, but she's even hotter in college. She's great until you have to dump her because she is about as exciting as a vasectomy in the sack and she slashes your tires, sticks a knife in the door to your apartment, and stalks you for a year.

12)"Jewish Princess" Barbie: She comes with a great rack, a killer personality, more diamonds than f*cking DeBeers, and a father who hates you because you're Catholic. The only reason that she's even dating you is because you are an Art Major, and she wants to piss off her parents. She's a monster in the sack, and a lot of fun to be around until she dumps you to date this cheesy asshole that just started his own plastic surgery practice in LA.

13) "What the f*ck was I thinking?" Barbie: She comes complete with a shitty attitude, a blue Ford Probe, multiple personalities and a sexual appetite that is absolutely ridiculous...until you make the biggest f*cking mistake of your life and marry the crazy b*tch. Only then do you find out about her aversion to sunlight, allergies to garlic, holy water and silver, and her need to suck your lifeblood out of you at every available opportunity.

14) "Hot MILF from the Gym" Barbie: She's got a killer smile, a fucking amazing voice, great eyes, and her rack is insane...but so are her kids. She's a seriously good time until she gives you the "I hope you're ready for a family in which you provide all of the income" speech...after which you change your phone number, e-mail address, and tell her that you are off to explore the depth of your faith in a Buddhist Monastery in Tibet.

15)"Korean Hottie" Barbie: She comes with a great rack, a bottle of soju (The Devil's Nectar) and a really annoying voice. She's a banshee in the sack, but her voice is enough to make you pray for a stroke.

16) "Chemically Imbalanced" Barbie: This Barbie is the be all end all of everything you ever could have wanted...until you realize that you had no f*cking clue what you wanted when you met her. After a week with this f*cking nutbar, find yourself looking to overdose on Zoloft while simultaneously committing Japanese ritual suicide and driving your car off of a bridge.

Well, that's the short list. After reading it, I guess it’s a good thing that all of the chicks I've screwed aren't Barbies...who the hell would go to Toys R Us for that crap?

Anyway...it will be one hell of a ride. The only thing you can do is take the good with the bad, always wear your wetsuit, and remember that even a crazy b*tch is better than no b*tch at all.

Dear Legbreaker, I am currently talking to a few different girls...

Dear Legbreaker,

I am currently talking to a few different girls and I find myself in uncharted waters. I have never dated more than one girl at a time. I am up front with them and let them know that I'm not interested in being anyone's boyfriend right now, but I have been around long enough to know that reason and estrogen blend together like Farrakhan and a KKK social. So my question is this. How do I get Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of sex (minus the Glenn Close part) without the Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of consequences?

Sincerely,

Michael Douglas

MD,

Thanks for writing! Uncharted waters, huh? Dating multiple women is something every man must do at one point in his life...but finding one’s way to the box & boobs buffet can be pretty f*cking mixed bag, amigo. There is inherent danger in dating more than one woman at a time…but if you carefully analyze the situation, you’ll see that there is one motherf*cker of an upside. Sounds like it’s time to employ one of the most basic risk management techniques there is: The Cost/Benefit Analysis.

As I see it, the potential costs are as follows:

1) Potential for Penile Amputation and/or Castration.
2) Potential Bankruptcy (everyone pays for it…there is no such thing as a free lunch…or free cooter).
3) Increased potential for paternity issues (friends don’t let friends play without a helmet).


And now for the benefits:

1) Tits…lots and lots of tits.
2) Increased odds of nailing the “hat trick” (3 women…one day. Live the dream, amigo…live the dream).

If you can afford it, and make sure that your f*ckpuppets don’t find out about each other, you are in for more fun (and exhaustion) than you can shake a box of rubbers at.

And now to your question: How do I get Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of sex (minus the Glenn Close part) without the Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction kind of consequences?

Answer: You don’t. That’s right, bro…you don’t. Which brings me to the second most basic risk management technique there is: The Risk/Reward Trade-off. Remember this: If she’s crazy in the sack, the b*tch is probably whack. Essentially, you have to weigh the benefit of getting f*cked into a coma against the risk of being shot/stabbed/slashed into a coma. If you have a penis, then you know the answer…of course it’s worth the risk! Severe bodily injury is nothing when it comes to the potential for world class cooch.

Happy humping, amigo!

Dear Legbreaker, what's the point of arguing with a woman?

Dear Legbreaker,

What's the point of arguing with a woman? I'm pretty strong minded and sometimes stubborn, so I tend to make points in my arguments, etc. If I win the argument, I'm happy for a second...but begging for some poontang pie later is a threat to my manhood(The horniness blinds your manhood). If I lose an argument, she's happy, but I feel like I let my male species down with another chalked loss. ''This is a mmmmmmmmaan world! yeoow ! Hit me!'' It's a lose-lose situation. Question is , how do I make her forgive me (I'm not excluding p***y waif stuff this time).

Thanks,

Tony


Tony,

*sigh*

Its simple, bro. Really simple. Just agree with her. Sounds easy, doesn't it?

The fact is...if you are involved in an argument, you have played some part in creating it. In order to defuse an argument, employ lesson 1 from Argument 101: Agree with your opponent.

Example:

Her: You are such an @sshole.

You: You are right, baby...I am an @sshole.

**and this is where you qualify your agreement**

You: And that is exactly what you love about me.

Her: Wha...um... well, uh...

***And this is where you justify your qualification, and issue your rebuttal***

You: If I stopped being an @sshole, you'd get bored, go look for some "bad boy", get your heart trampled, and pick up a "nice guy" on the rebound who will be about as entertaining as the second season of "Charles in Charge".

Her: Well...

You: So, if you think about it, you've got it pretty good right now, don't you?

Her: Well, I...

You: Lets shave your box, then f*ck ourselves to sleep.

Her: Okay.

Argument over. You get l@id, and no one's feelings get hurt. Everybody wins.

Dear Legbreaker,I was recently in a minor auto accident...

Dear Legbreaker,

I was recently in a minor auto accident. When the other driver got out of her car, she had this stuffy librarian look about her. Then when we exchanged information, I got a good look at her driver’s license photo, and that picture gave the impression that there might be a goer behind the glasses, sweater, and long skirt. Rather than going through the whole insurance route, I was wondering if there were any other options for reimbursement. Perhaps there is a cheez in her grill approach that can be pursued. How do I broach this subject? How much can I get out of her, is asking for the backdoor too much for a bumper? How do I then get her to pay for my car repairs? And is this considered cheating, or is it just reimbursement for pain and suffering?

Thanks for your help.

Sincerely,

Fast and the Furious


Hey there Fast,


Sorry about your car…that’s gotta suck, bro. Your situation is an interesting one, nonetheless. There are a few aspects that I think deserve further investigation…


1) She had this stuffy librarian look about her. The stuffy librarian type…hmmmm. Nothing says, “pound my @ss” like pair of glasses, a high neckline, and an ankle length skirt. Be careful though…stuffy, straight-laced types are a lot like trick-or-treating in a sh*tty neighborhood…you never really know what you’ll end up with. You might get a crack laced Snickers Bar, or a bomb @ss homemade popcorn ball…ya never know. Tread with caution my friend. She might be docile...and she might not. The last thing you want is to end up lashed to baby's bed with leather restraints while she comes at you with a vibrating strap on the size of a chainsaw.

2) I got a good look at her driver’s license photo. She actually looked good in a driver’s license photo? Wow. Common sense dictates…you’ve got to at least look under the hood. If you like what you see, then by all means, rev that sh*t up and see how fast it goes.

3) I was wondering if there were any other options for reimbursement. How do I broach this subject? Hm. It’s obvious that you’re due some sort of compensation here. I have a hypothetical situation here for you. As I see it, the conversation should go something like this:

Her: So, how much do you think I owe you?

You: Well, I have an idea, but I’d like to hear your thoughts on the subject.

Her: Well, the way I see it...mmffmmm…

You: I’m sorry, I can’t understand what you’re saying because my c*ck is in your mouth.

Basically…take the direct approach: See. Want. Take. Have.

4) Is asking for the backdoor too much for a bumper? It’s never a bad move to try popping the trunk. Think of it as an equitable exchange…she dents your bumper, and you in turn explore her available trunk space. Fair trade, no?

5) And is this considered cheating, or is it just reimbursement for pain and suffering? Yes, its considered cheating…and that is never okay. *


*This response may or may not have been included due to the fact that my girlfriend sometimes reads this blog, and I would like to continue getting laid on a regular basis.

Happy motoring!

Dear Legbreaker, So a past friendship of mine slowly progressed into something more...

Dear Legbreaker,

So a past friendship of mine slowly progressed into something more and it was clear that we had some heavy chemistry. We went out on dates a few times over the span of a month or so and everything was all good. This chick was just getting out of a relationship that had gone sour, and unfortunately for me I knew the dude she had been with... and thought he was a punk. I knew she still had some issues with dude...but thing was...I saw it as just dating her so I paid it no mind. So one night over the phone she goes on telling me that she's a freak, she likes rough sex and that she thinks I won't be able to keep up with her. From the get go I wanted to see if I could dislocate her kidneys or at the very least widen her hips a few inches but this "challenge" took that to another level. This conversation had me expecting to smash her through my mattress very soon. Then the following day after another date... everything was out of whack. I had no idea what was going on so I call her... she starts crying without even getting two words out... saying she's sorry... and she needs space. I tried to reaffirm that it was just DATING, as in nothing serious. However she failed to understand this and said she wouldn't be able to talk to me for awhile because she "had some things to deal with and didn't want to have to get me involved in her problems". I knew that she was trying to say that she wasn't over her ex and that she needed to spend sometime with her girlfriends to "get over it". My problem is that I was left with unfinished business. I wholeheartedly believe that me nailing her would have made her forget that her ex ever existed. I don't talk to her at all now but there's still that thought in my head of me not sealing the deal.

Do you think she got some entertainment from leading me on then falling of the face of the planet? Should I just let it go...? Or should I try to close the case?

Thanks in advance,

Cuz

Cuz!!! Long time no talk!

After reading your letter, I’m glad you took the time to write. Chemistry and friendship aside, you are dealing with what my friends and I like to call the “common cocktease”.

The “common cocktease” is not malicious…she is simply doing what it is in her nature to do…which is basically to throw her box at you like a 90 mph slider…you think you’re going to be crushing that sh*t into the stratosphere…but you end up whiffing on a pitch that’s low and away. Weak f*cking sauce.

That stated, I’ve noted a few points of concern that I want to share with you:

1) This chick was just getting out of a relationship that had gone sour. Rebound! Way to go, cuz! The fastest way to get laid (besides hunting cougar) is to score a rebound girl. The unfortunate part about rebound girl is that she’s typically on the rebound for a reason, and more often than not its because she’s nuttier than a f*cking Snickers bar. Which leads me to my next point…

2) I had no idea what was going on so I call her... she starts crying. When preparing blast a rebound girl with baby batter, the universal sign for “Stop now and run for your life” is tears. All women eventually use this against you…emotional blackmail sucks, but if you plan on getting laid regularly, you’d better get used to it. But any girl that cries this soon has got more f*cking baggage than a 727.

3) My problem is that I was left with unfinished business. Indeed you were, cuz. However…you have something going for you. Since there was chemistry…she’s still thinking about you. Make no mistake cuz…you’re still in the hunt. But if you plan on dropping the hammer…you have got to act like you don’t want to. I know it defies logic, but it’s true. If she thinks that she has to work for your attention, she will. Act like you could care less if she’s around and before you know it she’ll be up on your junk like a kindergartner on a dime store pony… bank on it.

So…in my humble opinion, you should close the deal…but exercise patience…and let the deal come to you.

And by all means...when you do complete the conquest put an exclamation point on it by blowing your cheez in her grill. Trust me…its cathartic.

Dear Legbreaker, How do I tell my girl to not get jealous...

Dear Legbreaker,

How do I tell my girl to not get jealous of all these breezies on my jock?I don't flirt but I am a nice guy and some people might mistake it for flirting.

Holla at ya boy,

Ritchie

'Sup Ritchie?!?

Long time, no talk my friend. I'm sure that the breezies make it tough to get to your computer. I mean...who really thinks about correspondence when some fine little honey is gettin' up in his junk? Which brings me to the point of your post. It is the nature of most girls to be catty. I know I've said it before...but I can never overstate this...vagina is a blessing and a curse my friend. Kind of like sh*tty mexican food when you're really hungry or day old pizza back when you were in college. At the moment, the sh*t is the bomb...but give it a couple hours, and it will make you wish you had a time machine so you could go back to yesterday and kill yourself just to avoid feeling the way you do right now. Remember that.

Anyway...there are a couple of ways to play this, and they really depend on the nature of your girl:

1) Jedi Mind Trick. While it is in the nature of every woman to be catty, it is also in the nature of a great many women to be stupid. If that's your girl, then this is your solution. Just ask her this question: "Baby...if I didn't have all these trampy lil' hoes trying to get on my stick, how could I appreciate how lucky I am to have you on my stick?" In addition to getting a laugh out of any of your buddies that are listening, it will shut her up for at least the next day or two while she tries to figure out what the f*ck you just told her.

2) Lie, lie, lie and...um, lie. I assume that its not the ugly b*tches that your girl is getting p*ssed off about. Right? Well...you've just been given a golden opportunity to check said breezie out. That's right. Give her the once over. Look at the tits. Check out the @ss. Take it all in. Then look at your girl, and repeat these EXACT words: "Baby...that lil' ho is nowhere near as fine as you are." In addition to guaranteeing that you will get a hummer later, you have also made your girl smile, AND got to scam a fine little piece of @ss right in front of her. Does it really get any better than that?

Yes...it does get better than that. But we weren't talking about cheezing in her grill.

Dear Legbreaker, My wife is a beautiful girl...

Dear Legbreaker,

My wife is a beautiful girl, and every time we go out she gets plenty of male attention. Rarely is it disrespectful, but sometimes it crosses the line. She handles herself well, but at what point is it ok to start breaking legs?

Thank you,

Geturembedder


Geturembedder,

Hm. Intriguing. I know right where you're at with this. Its annoying...and even the best intended male attention on one's lady can seriously f*ck up an otherwise great night out. The key here is to remember that if your lady perceives you as jealous, she may take that as insecurity...and then you are screwed. So...you should do what I do.

What do I do? Glad you asked:

1) @ss grab. When the guy in question looks over at your lady...simply slide your arm around her waist, cup a cheek and squeeze away. If your lady starts, or jumps a bit, all the better. This shows the gawking @sshole that she is indeed yours, and that any further attention is unwanted, and will be considered disrespectful.

2) Peek-a-Boo. When the disrespectful @sshammer in question looks over at your lady...simply take your index finger, pull her shirt collar away from her boobs, and take a peek down her shirt, and exclaim ,"Look what I found!". If your girl is a sport, she'll laugh...and you, my friend, will have adequately communicated that the gawker in question should get the f*ck off your kool-aid.

3) My Fries. This is a personal favorite of mine. Its best done while driving, but can be done anywhere, really. As the offender in question is looking at your girl's goods, just slide a hand down her shirt, and inside her bra (a nipple pinch here is optional...but it drives the point home so clearly that I really recommend it), then look over at the f*ckwad in question and say, "What's up?". This is a favorite of my girlfriend's for reasons that I can't get into right now...suffice to say, she kicks @ss.

If none of the above work, then by all means...drop the hammer, my friend.

Dear Legbreaker, I recently deleted all the porn on my computer...

Dear Legbreaker,

I recently deleted all the porn on my computer. Good move? Bad move?

Thanks,

Sixthring

Dear Sixth...thanks for writing.

I'm glad you brought this up...because the young men of the world need to know...it is NEVER okay to delete all of your porn. This is not my opinion, it is man law. Porn is a rare and beautiful thing, and it should be treated as such. Like all rare and beautiful things, however, there is a time and place to bid them a fond adieu.

When it comes to porn, these instances are as follows:

1) Hairy bush. Like bell bottoms and butterfly collars, this tragic and frightening remnant of the 70's and early 80's will occasionally rear its ugly head in the world o' porn. Hairy bush has no place in today's society, or in any self respecting 21st century man's porn collection. You need to drop that ish like your last hood rat: with a quickness.

2) Beehive and/or big hair. Big hair had its day...but I believe I speak for all men when I say that the spank bank, porn collection, and ho stable should be free of aqua net, unless that's what blows your horn.

3) Sh*tty Disco. What used to pass as good disco mercifully died over 25 years ago...and the talentless @ssholes who insisted on making bad disco that couldn't get airtime on the radio got jobs in the porn industry...making sure that even watching porn in the 70's was like jerking off with 2-grit sandpaper. Do you really want to re-live that? I thought not.

Well, Sixth...I hope that helps you out. Have a kick@ss day, amigo!Oh...and if watching porn, its obviously impossible to cheez in her grill...but cheezing on your monitor is an acceptable substitute.

Dear Legbreaker, So this chick I am seeing is someone I eventually want a serious relationship with...

Dear Legbreaker,

So this chick I am seeing is someone I eventually want a serious relationship with. Problem is she has major trust issues in men because of some f*cked up sh*t in her past and has told me it will take some time (possibly a lot). I can dig this, but I'm falling for her hard. In the meantime she is down to do me all kinds of nasty and go out and date. However, she is f*cking hawt and I want to wrap up the deal before some other douchebag or chick. That's right, I'm in a competition with both sexes for this hottie. I'm number one and only one on her list right now, but how should I proceed to continue to be number one without any formal commitment?

Thanks LB,

AMP


Hey there Amp,

Good to hear from you again. After reading your letter, I'm glad you took the time to write. Fear not amigo, Legbreaker has a solution or three...but first, I want to make sure that you've picked up on all of the red flags that I have:

1) This chick I am seeing is someone I eventually want a serious relationship with. Um...why? Bro, when you're "just dating"...she will f*ck you like a banshee. Honestly...just pick a porno, pop it in, and tell baby to emulate...then watch in amazement as she makes Jenna Jameson look tamer than a nun's peach. Take it from the voice of experience my friend...stretch out the "just dating" portion of your relationship as long as you can...your penis will thank you for it.

2) She has major trust issues in men because of some f*cked up sh*t in her past. As long as the f*cked up sh*t is not a communicable virus, and you're relatively certain that it won't come looking for you with a shotgun and 10 drunken friends, you should be okay here.

3) She is f*cking hawt and I want to wrap up the deal before some other douchebag or chick. Hamstring the douchebags by any means necesary...but why in the name of all that's holy would you want to f*ck up something as rare and beautiful as the potential for an AMP sandwich with a hot chick and her potentially hot vagitarian friend? That's blasphemy, bro! Man Law dictates that you must make a play for the hot vagitarian friend, however long the odds may be.

And now for the endgame: "how should I proceed to continue to be number one without any formal commitment?" My friend, the answer here is a simple, two part affair.

Part one: Act like you don't give a f*ck. A little known, but all too true fact about women is that if they think they still have to work for your attention, they will. Especially the hot ones. This will differentiate you from all of the other @ssholes that are busy shoving their noses up her @ss all f*cking day. Treat this chick like a warm beer. Sure...it probably wouldn't taste all that bad...but you could honestly take it or leave it. Make this girl think that you're indifferent, and she will be all up on your junk like thirty 5-year olds on a busted pinata.

Part two: F*ck her into a coma. There is but one way to fully tame a chick...and that's to make her cum harder than she ever has. Learn what she likes, put her clit on speed dial, invest in some Carmex, a manicure, some astro glide, and make frequent visits to her friend Mr. G spot. Get her so twisted that you have to pop her hips back into socket when you're done. If you hit it hard enough that she falls asleep after, she will worship at the altar o' AMP until you kick her @ss to the curb.

Do this, in addition to popping your wad in her eye, and you shall have what you seek, my friend.

Dear Legbreaker, As you probably noticed, the weather was NICE in the Bay this past weekend...

Dear Legbreaker,

As you probably noticed, the weather was NICE in the Bay this past weekend. And when the first rays of sun and heat start to hit the bay in the middle of the winter or early spring, you know what that means? Yes sir, hotties in skimpy clothing...girls that made their new year's resolution(s) to hit the gym in '08 (most likely January 1st until Valentines' Day LOL) are anxious to show some skin.I stumbled upon a random hot one in Emeryville this weekend. 5'5", cute, strawberry blonde, coke bottle figure, sporting a pair on tight capris, heels, and a tank top. She scoped me out from across the way...I ditched my sis and niece for a sec, and decided to pursue. So I rolled up on her as she walked outta Banana Republic...she stopped and smiled. Game was spit, a couple of wise cracks, typical Dana BS, right?I scan the body, as it looked DAMN good from a distance. Pretty tight...yeah, she works out.

But I came across a very noticeable tattoo on her stomach. I asked if I could get a closer look "cuz I like tats", and stooped down a lil, shifting my shades to get a clearer glance. It was a mess. Like a small spider web that was covering another tattoo. I looked closer...and I couldn't believe my eyes...the horribly concealed "former" tat that was set below her navel read the word...NYMPHO (in blue ink)(sigh). So I acted like I couldn't read it, and just said, "Can't make it out, but it looks pretty koo." We exchanged #'s, talked later that night and have texted every day (on the hour) this week.

Now, with all this being said...your thoughts?

A) She's a stripper.

B) She was an idiot back in her High School days, and an older BF "encouraged" her to get this ridiculous tattoo (for comedy).

C) She's not just a stripper, but she's sellin that @ss outside the club too.

D) YOU wouldn't f*ck her with MY dick.

E) All of the above.


Thanks,

Gig

Gig...its all good bro. I feel you on the concern. Seriously. The only thing scarier than a girl with "nympho" tatted on her belly are banana t*tties, flapjacks, and/or jerky curtains. And now for my thoughts...

A) She's a stripper. Could be. But if she is, she knows how to shake her @ss, and is most likely as freaky as they come. Besides...somebody has to enjoy the @ss that so many fools have been throwing their hard earned singles at, ya know?

B) She was an idiot back in her High School days, and an older BF "encouraged" her to get this ridiculous tattoo (for comedy). Dude. That sounds like something I would have done. What's this chick's name, anyway?

C) She's not just a stripper, but she's sellin' that @ss outside the club too. I don't think shes selling @ss. On the real, homie, she would have hit you up for a deposit before inviting you over. Besides...the thought of this chick accepting cash to drop the panties for some 300 lb, zit faced slob will probably kill any inclination you have to make sure baby can't walk on Friday morning.

D) YOU wouldn't f*ck her with MY dick. Just to be safe, give her the "sniff test". If your eyes start to water, bounce and live to smash another day.

E) All of the above. All I can say it this, amigo...never go into combat without your flak jacket, always remember where you put your clothes, and have your route to the door clearly thought out before you pass out.

Happy smashing, my friend! I'd tell you to cheez in her grill, but that would be like telling Chuck Norris how to throw a roundhouse kick.

Dear Legbreaker, So this chick keeps coming into my work...

Dear Legbreaker,

So this chick keeps coming into my work. I know her kinda - I used to date a friend of hers. This girl is cute, but not my type. I don't see her for a while then she sends me this myspace message about how she never sees me anymore, and she asks me all these questions about how I'm doing...what I interpreted as her "leading a horse to water," if you will. So the next time she shows up, I kinda make a little small talk, just to be friendly, and she gets all embarrassed and leaves quickly. Now every time she comes in she hardly looks at me...WTF happened here and should I care?

Thanks LB,

SacRock14

Thanks for writing, Sac.

Before I begin, there are three elements here that must be pointed out.

1) Cute chick that's friends with a girl you used to date. Forbidden fruit. I love it! Any friend of a girl that you used to date (especially if she's cute) is bonus point material...big time. Man law dictates (pun intended) that you have to smash if presented the opportunity. This is not my opinion, amigo...its the LAW.

2) Not your type. Ummm...I'm not sure what you mean by this. So...she's cute. I assume this means she has all her limbs. Does she have a vagina? Unless she has cockeye, tank@ss, turkeyneck or snaggletooth...she's your type. At least for as long as it takes to cockslap her into your trophy case.

3) What happened? What happened is that the girl you used to date found out this chick was sending you myspace messages and heading into your work. The only person who can cockblock harder than the "gay guy friend", "the big fat friend" or "the buddyf*cker" is the p*ssed off ex-girlfriend. As matter of fact...if this b*tch had her way, you'd never get laid again. Remember...hell hath no fury like a girl you used to date whose friends you've been f*cking. Write that ish down...you'll need it if you plan on following my advice.

What to do? Well, she's embarrassed because she a) doesn't think she has a chance with you, b) doesn't want her friend to find out that she's flirting with you, or c) is shy.

In any of the above circumstances, you have but one viable alternative: you need to scramble this chick's ovaries. With a vengeance. Go on the offensive. Start taking her up on her little flirtations...and drop the hammer on her.The endgame here isn't getting laid. Remember...the only thing better than f*cking your girlfriend so hard that she can't walk for two days is f*cking the sh*t out of your ex-girlfriend's friend so hard that she can't walk for two days...and making sure your ex finds out about it.

Smash it...well. The only thing cooler would be blowing your cheez in her grill.

Dear Legbreaker, I've been dating this chic who is a single mom with two kids...

Dear Legbreaker,

I've been dating this chic who is a single mom with two kids. It's time for me to move on to my next job and I'll be leaving the Army town I'm in. I know she thinks that I am "the one" that will save her and take her away from her current life but.....I'm not. I just wanted to have regular sex. Time for me to cut sling load and head on out. How do I break it to her? Should I just take off?

Thanks,

Bluefalcon61

Blue,

Wow. This is a tough one. You are my bro, however...and as such, I shall do what I can to help you. As I'm sure you know, I spent some time in the Marines...and more than a few of my buddies had to deal with this. The potential for crying, threats of suicide and the sudden need to dodge a bullet or two make this one pretty tricky. The only angle worth playing here besides just leaving (what fun would that be?) is to make her want you to leave. That's right...you've got to go about convincing her that you're Mr. Wrong. But what to do?

Here are two sure-fire ways to get a girl to give you the boot, thus allowing you to leave with your conscience intact:

1) Sister spankage. This tried and true method of getting dumped requires only a will of iron, a picture of her sister (pics of her best friend or mom will work just fine here, too), and a clear route to the nearest door or window. The steps are simple enough...just get the picture, take a seat in a place where you are sure to get caught, and start slappin' your hoochie hammer. She walks in, and you're out, guilt free. Bonus points if you can some how manage to blast some man mustard on the picture before running out the door or jumping out the window.

2) Uh...what was your name again? This one is simple. Though straightforward, be warned...if she has access to a knife, gun, or has very long nails, this one will cost you dearly. Get her to do something you've never done (ie, anal, the fourbagger, the buckin' bronco, arabian goggles, etc.) and whilst in the act of dehumanizing her, say, "Oh, my god...this is so good. You are so f*cking hot, Annie...uh, I mean Lisa...no, Linda, um Diane...um, what's your name again?". Immediately withdraw your troops and engage in a tactical withdrawal to a distance at which your junk is just out of kicking, grabbing, biting and/or cutting range. If you can some how manage to blow cheez on her (anywhere, since you probably won't have time to aim), you are worthy of induction into the "cool muthaf*cka Hall of Fame."

Dear Legbreaker, This dude I bartend with is homies with the chick I am seeing...

Dear Legbreaker,

This dude I bartend with is homies with the chick I am seeing. Me and this guy are kinda friends, but he's been flirting hardcore with this chick (via text and s**t) since I've been seeing her. I confronted him last night and he told me not to get too vested with this chick because he didn't want to see me hurt (bulls**t). How should I handle this situation?

Thank you,

AMP

Sincerest apologies, AMP.

Due to an insane workload over the past few days, I have been unable to answer until now. Having read your letter, I'm glad you took the time to write. You, my friend, are being plagued by what my contemporaries call the "opportunistic cockblocker". In some circles, the "opportunistic cockblocker" is also referred to as "buddyf*cker", or "f*cking douchenozzle". No matter what you call him, this cat is bad news. As you may have guessed, this guy has designs on your girl. There are several ways of dealing with this...some of which are loads of fun...and some of which will land your @ss in jail (especially the one where you bust his leg with a tire iron, whilst delcaring, "Dems my fries, b*tch!").

As I see it, your options are as follows:

1) Beat him at his own game. Sure it's low. Sure it's sneaky. But remember...this @sshole is trying to bang your girl...and such behavior cannot be tolerated. Drop the cockblock on him...and drop it hard. Saying something to your girl along these lines: "did you know that (insert name of buddyf*cker here) gave (insert name of random girl that you don't really care about here) herpes? No joke! I heard it from (insert name of very good friend who will back you up on this ish here)...apparently old boy by lied about it and then rawdogged her...in the @ss. Now she has @ss herpes. How f*cked up is that?" After hearing that, his stock will fall faster than Enron's did. Bank on it.

2) Pull the rug out from under him. Want him to lose footing with your girl? Then start an earthquake. All you have to say is, "So...I don't know how to tell you this...but I overheard (insert name of f*ckwad here) telling someone that he's gonna f*ck your brains out. He was pretty f*cked up at the time, so he may not have known what he was saying...and that's the only reason I didn't beat his @ss on the spot"...then sit back and enjoy the fireworks...she'll have that @sshole's b@lls shrink wrapped so fast it will make you dizzy.

3) Make him look like a perv. Steal his phone, take a picture of your junk, and e-mail it to her. He'll be out of the picture faster than you can say"restraining order".


After any of the aforementioned options, you should put an exclamation point on things by f*ckin' her senseless and blowing your cheez in her grill. Outside of the satisfaction you'll get from the action itself, the fact that you've denied a potential cockblock in the process will instantly make you cooler than anyone you know.