Saturday, March 1, 2008

Dear Legbreaker, So a past friendship of mine slowly progressed into something more...

Dear Legbreaker,

So a past friendship of mine slowly progressed into something more and it was clear that we had some heavy chemistry. We went out on dates a few times over the span of a month or so and everything was all good. This chick was just getting out of a relationship that had gone sour, and unfortunately for me I knew the dude she had been with... and thought he was a punk. I knew she still had some issues with dude...but thing was...I saw it as just dating her so I paid it no mind. So one night over the phone she goes on telling me that she's a freak, she likes rough sex and that she thinks I won't be able to keep up with her. From the get go I wanted to see if I could dislocate her kidneys or at the very least widen her hips a few inches but this "challenge" took that to another level. This conversation had me expecting to smash her through my mattress very soon. Then the following day after another date... everything was out of whack. I had no idea what was going on so I call her... she starts crying without even getting two words out... saying she's sorry... and she needs space. I tried to reaffirm that it was just DATING, as in nothing serious. However she failed to understand this and said she wouldn't be able to talk to me for awhile because she "had some things to deal with and didn't want to have to get me involved in her problems". I knew that she was trying to say that she wasn't over her ex and that she needed to spend sometime with her girlfriends to "get over it". My problem is that I was left with unfinished business. I wholeheartedly believe that me nailing her would have made her forget that her ex ever existed. I don't talk to her at all now but there's still that thought in my head of me not sealing the deal.

Do you think she got some entertainment from leading me on then falling of the face of the planet? Should I just let it go...? Or should I try to close the case?

Thanks in advance,

Cuz

Cuz!!! Long time no talk!

After reading your letter, I’m glad you took the time to write. Chemistry and friendship aside, you are dealing with what my friends and I like to call the “common cocktease”.

The “common cocktease” is not malicious…she is simply doing what it is in her nature to do…which is basically to throw her box at you like a 90 mph slider…you think you’re going to be crushing that sh*t into the stratosphere…but you end up whiffing on a pitch that’s low and away. Weak f*cking sauce.

That stated, I’ve noted a few points of concern that I want to share with you:

1) This chick was just getting out of a relationship that had gone sour. Rebound! Way to go, cuz! The fastest way to get laid (besides hunting cougar) is to score a rebound girl. The unfortunate part about rebound girl is that she’s typically on the rebound for a reason, and more often than not its because she’s nuttier than a f*cking Snickers bar. Which leads me to my next point…

2) I had no idea what was going on so I call her... she starts crying. When preparing blast a rebound girl with baby batter, the universal sign for “Stop now and run for your life” is tears. All women eventually use this against you…emotional blackmail sucks, but if you plan on getting laid regularly, you’d better get used to it. But any girl that cries this soon has got more f*cking baggage than a 727.

3) My problem is that I was left with unfinished business. Indeed you were, cuz. However…you have something going for you. Since there was chemistry…she’s still thinking about you. Make no mistake cuz…you’re still in the hunt. But if you plan on dropping the hammer…you have got to act like you don’t want to. I know it defies logic, but it’s true. If she thinks that she has to work for your attention, she will. Act like you could care less if she’s around and before you know it she’ll be up on your junk like a kindergartner on a dime store pony… bank on it.

So…in my humble opinion, you should close the deal…but exercise patience…and let the deal come to you.

And by all means...when you do complete the conquest put an exclamation point on it by blowing your cheez in her grill. Trust me…its cathartic.

No comments: