Dear Legbreaker, f*ck me, I asked this chick I barely knew for 2 days...

Dear Legbreaker,

F*ck me, I asked this chick I barely knew for 2 days out because I thought she was cute. So we are hanging out and I realize that she's not my type and that she's a nice girl so I don't wanna lead her on for some coochie and hurt her feelings later. The f*cked up sh*t is that we did couple stuff yesterday like holding hands and cuddling (gay) and all that s**t. So now I have a few days to tell her that we should remain friends only. I am also stuck seeing her twice a week now. F*ck I am stupid. What do I do now?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Hey there bro...sounds like you have the kind of problem that I specialize in. Just to make sure that I have it all straight, I'll restate the problem: You started dating a chick from work, and now you are looking for a way out. Sound about right? Good.

Before getting to your best option, there are a few elements to your story that I find a litte troubling:

1) So we are hanging out and I realize that she's not my type. So, um...how is she not your type? Is her vagina functional? She has two t*ts, three holes and a heartbeat, doesn't she? Unless your answer here is that she has a fat @ss, one t*t or a f*cked up grill, I think you need to re-examine your priorities, amigo.

2) She's a nice girl so I don't wanna lead her on for some coochie and hurt her feelings later. Um...why? You understand what your p*nis is used for, don't you? There are men in the world that will never get within sniffing distance of a vagina, and here you are, turning one down. Shame on you. Remember: A vagina is a terrible thing to waste...when it's attached to a smashable piece of tail anyway. That's like turning down pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving! Are you hungry? F*ck no! You are so f*cking stuffed, you can't even move. But you take the pie anyway...and you grin your @ss off, too. Take the pie bro. Top it with some Cool Whip. Then f*ck the sh*t out of it.

3) The f*cked up sh*t is that we did couple stuff yesterday like holding hands and cuddling (gay) and all that s**t. You cuddled with her and held hands *before* you got in her pants? And you have no intention of getting in her pants anyway? Ugh. You understand that cuddling and handholding are essential elements in the emotional blackmail required to conquer the average piece of p*ssy, right? Don't put that sh*t on the table until you are negotiating frequency, duration and variety! Sadly, you may have already poisoned the well for further negotiation.

And now I will address the solution to your problem. First things first, all men know that the first cardinal rule of finding cooch to conquer is that you should do it in someone else's sandbox. Translation: do not dip your pen in the company ink. This, however, does not apply to you...because you've already signed for it...on credit...with a no refund or exchange policy. Christ on a cracker, you are in deep. You have but one option. Friend, you must smash. Whether you like her or not, take delivery and crush that sh*t. Then plan your exit.

I know what you're thinking: "But Legbreaker, how do I plan my exit once we've f*cked?" I'm glad you asked! There are two that work well...and I shall list both for you:

1) Personal Tragedy: If you want a girl to go away after you've hit it, but you can't bring yourself to say it, this is the solution for you. Stop f*cking her. Immediately. Act a little distant. Answer a few calls in front of her...then take them in private. Sooner or later, she'll ask what's up...and that is when you drop the bomb: My Mom/Dad/Brother/Sister/Grandma/Grandpa/Dog/Hamster/Goldfish is terminally ill/was abducted by aliens/ was hit by a truck/ has six months to live, etc. It should go something like this:

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: You’ve been acting strange…what’s the matter?

Anonymous: My hamster was involved in an accident yesterday.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: You have a hamster?

Anonymous: Uh, yeah…but he lives with my parents…in another state…really far away from this one.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Oh. What happened?

Anonymous: A pack of rabid gerbils sexually assaulted him. In the @ss. It doesn’t look like he’s going to make it.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: What can I do?

Anonymous: Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do. I just need some time to compose myself. I am so heartbroken.

Anonymous: I really like you…a lot. I just can’t give you what you need with the heartbreak that I am going through right now.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: But…

Anonymous: Oh, you are so sweet. That’s what I like about you. I could really use a friend right now.

Co-worker you don’t want to f*ck anymore: Okay, but…

Anonymous: Awesome. Thanks for understanding. I’ll call you next week. Maybe.

2) Come to Jesus: If you are unworried about going to hell, or, you already know that you're f*cked in the afterlife anyway, this one's the ticket. Tell her that you have recently "found Jesus", and that J wants you to re-examine what you’ve been doing with your gigglestick. State that you will be practicing celibacy in order to keep your mind clear so you can create a better relationship with your Lord and Savior...then watch as she walks (or runs) away.

Hope those help, bro...and good luck. You're going to need it.