I met this chick in class at the beginning of the semester, and we've been studying together. She invited me over to her house to study, and some guy answered the door. Ouch. We ended up studying, and I just figured that we'd be friends. Then we met one day for lunch, and she tells me she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Apparently this isn't the first time. At this point she bursts in to tears and gives me a big hug. Tells me she hates him and is never going to see him again.
She has been flirting with me, big time. She compliments me on my clothes, my smell, and my body. I compliment her back, tell her how smart and pretty she is...etc. She hugs me, sometimes hard and passionate, sometimes more gentle and "friendly". We talk about politics and agree on most everything. She touches my arms flirtatiously, plays with hair when we're sitting together, pats my leg...etc.
So, we are out with a bunch of people the other night. We get really drunk and she offers to me stay at her place "on her couch". On her couch? WTF? So we go back to her place and, true to her word, fixes up the couch for me. Yay. She apparently wasn't interested in having me in her bed so I didn't press the issue. Now she says I'm her best friend, and that she is really glad we met. She hugs me and cries sometimes, saying that she doesn't know what she'd do without me.
Anyway, what do you make of this girl? Is she just not into me? Is she just scared about getting into a relationship after this messy breakout with her boyfriend of 7 years? Is there any hope getting out of "best friend" territory and into her panties? Not that I'm just looking for that, mind you, but it would be nice. I'm really f**king confused by this chick. Moreso than with a lot of other chicks. I'm not sure how hard to press because of the sensitivity of her situation. I need some advice. This is f*cking with my head.
Help me!
-Slothrop
Dear Slothrop,
I feel your pain. Really. She's hot, kinda flirty, and you want to park the beef bus in tuna town. Who wouldn't?Now...after reading everything you've written, I have identified a few of the more pertinent red flags:
1) She tells me she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Apparently this isn't the first time. At this point she bursts in to tears and gives me a big hug. Tells me she hates him and is never going to see him again.
There is a thin line between love and hate...and a friggin' brick wall between friend and f*ckbuddy. She may hate him now...but wait until the batteries in her vibrator die. She'll be gobbling his junk like a bum on a Big Mac. Hugs are for "friends". If she had burst into tears, then started giving you a hummer, you wouldn't have much to worry about. The hug is a dark omen, though.
2) She compliments me on my clothes, my smell, and my body. I compliment her back, tell her how smart and pretty she is...etc. She hugs me, sometimes hard and passionate, sometimes more gentle and "friendly". We talk about politics and agree on most everything. She touches my arms flirtatiously, plays with hair when we're sitting together, pats my leg...etc.
Understand...by complimenting a woman you have yet to dehumanize...you are essentially cockblocking yourself. You see...the "complimenting friend" is an asexual being. In her eyes, he is persona non-nookie. This, my friend, is bad f*cking jenga…and most definitely NOT where you want to be. You must also understand that her flirty touching and leg pats are similar to the directions one gets on Google maps. Just follow the f*cking signs, and you are home free. Her flirty arm rub is chick speak for "please destroy my @ss and pop your wad in my face". Seriously.
3) We get really drunk and she offers to me stay at her place "on her couch". On her couch? WTF? So we go back to her place and, true to her word, fixes up the couch for me. Yay. She apparently wasn't interested in having me in her bed so I didn't press the issue.
Ugh. You were really drunk, and she said you could stay at her house. Hm...I wonder, what she was thinking? Care for a hint? She was thinking, "I sure wish Slothrop would scramble my ovaries". Word to the wise...when you walk up to the door...you should at least take the time to knock. Translation: Next time you are "sleeping on her couch" ask her if she's ever had her hips dislocated.
And now for the answers to your questions:
1) What do you make of this girl? Is she just not into me? Is she just scared about getting into a relationship after this messy breakout with her boyfriend of 7 years?
I think this girl is just like every other girl. She has a vagina. This makes her insane. That’s not always a bad thing, though. Understand that there's no controlling this...but you can learn to tolerate it if the payout is steady.
2) Is there any hope getting out of "best friend" territory and into her panties?
Yes!!! There is hope. What you must do is simple:
1) Drop your pants, and look down. Do you have a penis? Good. Start acting like it. This girl is not out for a "relationship". She wants you to f*ck her brains out. She does not want to hear "I love you"...she wants to feel like she can get some action after getting tossed aside by her boyfriend (who, by the way, treated her like s**t...and still has her thinking about him).
2) Stop complimenting her. Now.
3) Be a wise@ss. Make fun of stupid little sh*t that you know she pays attention to…hair, nails, clothes, whatever. Just keep her off balance. This will make you "intriguing".
4) The next time she calls, let it go to voicemail.
5) The next time she wants to hang out...tell her you have plans. DO NOT ELABORATE.
6) When you see her next, think of it this way: She is the rebound, and you are Dennis Rodman...go get that sh*t.
7) When you do finally hang out with her, be late, unapologetic, and ready to take action with you get the green light.
8) The next time she touches your arm, move your hand to her waist.
9) As always...when step 8 leads you where it ought to...blow your cheez in her grill. Trust me, she'll love it.
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