Sunday, February 24, 2008

Dear Legbreaker, I've been dating this chic who is a single mom with two kids...

Dear Legbreaker,

I've been dating this chic who is a single mom with two kids. It's time for me to move on to my next job and I'll be leaving the Army town I'm in. I know she thinks that I am "the one" that will save her and take her away from her current life but.....I'm not. I just wanted to have regular sex. Time for me to cut sling load and head on out. How do I break it to her? Should I just take off?




Wow. This is a tough one. You are my bro, however...and as such, I shall do what I can to help you. As I'm sure you know, I spent some time in the Marines...and more than a few of my buddies had to deal with this. The potential for crying, threats of suicide and the sudden need to dodge a bullet or two make this one pretty tricky. The only angle worth playing here besides just leaving (what fun would that be?) is to make her want you to leave. That's've got to go about convincing her that you're Mr. Wrong. But what to do?

Here are two sure-fire ways to get a girl to give you the boot, thus allowing you to leave with your conscience intact:

1) Sister spankage. This tried and true method of getting dumped requires only a will of iron, a picture of her sister (pics of her best friend or mom will work just fine here, too), and a clear route to the nearest door or window. The steps are simple enough...just get the picture, take a seat in a place where you are sure to get caught, and start slappin' your hoochie hammer. She walks in, and you're out, guilt free. Bonus points if you can some how manage to blast some man mustard on the picture before running out the door or jumping out the window.

2) Uh...what was your name again? This one is simple. Though straightforward, be warned...if she has access to a knife, gun, or has very long nails, this one will cost you dearly. Get her to do something you've never done (ie, anal, the fourbagger, the buckin' bronco, arabian goggles, etc.) and whilst in the act of dehumanizing her, say, "Oh, my god...this is so good. You are so f*cking hot, Annie...uh, I mean, Linda, um, what's your name again?". Immediately withdraw your troops and engage in a tactical withdrawal to a distance at which your junk is just out of kicking, grabbing, biting and/or cutting range. If you can some how manage to blow cheez on her (anywhere, since you probably won't have time to aim), you are worthy of induction into the "cool muthaf*cka Hall of Fame."

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