So this chick I am seeing is someone I eventually want a serious relationship with. Problem is she has major trust issues in men because of some f*cked up sh*t in her past and has told me it will take some time (possibly a lot). I can dig this, but I'm falling for her hard. In the meantime she is down to do me all kinds of nasty and go out and date. However, she is f*cking hawt and I want to wrap up the deal before some other douchebag or chick. That's right, I'm in a competition with both sexes for this hottie. I'm number one and only one on her list right now, but how should I proceed to continue to be number one without any formal commitment?
Hey there Amp,
Good to hear from you again. After reading your letter, I'm glad you took the time to write. Fear not amigo, Legbreaker has a solution or three...but first, I want to make sure that you've picked up on all of the red flags that I have:
1) This chick I am seeing is someone I eventually want a serious relationship with. Um...why? Bro, when you're "just dating"...she will f*ck you like a banshee. Honestly...just pick a porno, pop it in, and tell baby to emulate...then watch in amazement as she makes Jenna Jameson look tamer than a nun's peach. Take it from the voice of experience my friend...stretch out the "just dating" portion of your relationship as long as you can...your penis will thank you for it.
2) She has major trust issues in men because of some f*cked up sh*t in her past. As long as the f*cked up sh*t is not a communicable virus, and you're relatively certain that it won't come looking for you with a shotgun and 10 drunken friends, you should be okay here.
3) She is f*cking hawt and I want to wrap up the deal before some other douchebag or chick. Hamstring the douchebags by any means necesary...but why in the name of all that's holy would you want to f*ck up something as rare and beautiful as the potential for an AMP sandwich with a hot chick and her potentially hot vagitarian friend? That's blasphemy, bro! Man Law dictates that you must make a play for the hot vagitarian friend, however long the odds may be.
And now for the endgame: "how should I proceed to continue to be number one without any formal commitment?" My friend, the answer here is a simple, two part affair.
Part one: Act like you don't give a f*ck. A little known, but all too true fact about women is that if they think they still have to work for your attention, they will. Especially the hot ones. This will differentiate you from all of the other @ssholes that are busy shoving their noses up her @ss all f*cking day. Treat this chick like a warm beer. Sure...it probably wouldn't taste all that bad...but you could honestly take it or leave it. Make this girl think that you're indifferent, and she will be all up on your junk like thirty 5-year olds on a busted pinata.
Part two: F*ck her into a coma. There is but one way to fully tame a chick...and that's to make her cum harder than she ever has. Learn what she likes, put her clit on speed dial, invest in some Carmex, a manicure, some astro glide, and make frequent visits to her friend Mr. G spot. Get her so twisted that you have to pop her hips back into socket when you're done. If you hit it hard enough that she falls asleep after, she will worship at the altar o' AMP until you kick her @ss to the curb.
Do this, in addition to popping your wad in her eye, and you shall have what you seek, my friend.