Saturday, February 23, 2008

Dear Legbreaker, This dude I bartend with is homies with the chick I am seeing...

Dear Legbreaker,

This dude I bartend with is homies with the chick I am seeing. Me and this guy are kinda friends, but he's been flirting hardcore with this chick (via text and s**t) since I've been seeing her. I confronted him last night and he told me not to get too vested with this chick because he didn't want to see me hurt (bulls**t). How should I handle this situation?

Thank you,


Sincerest apologies, AMP.

Due to an insane workload over the past few days, I have been unable to answer until now. Having read your letter, I'm glad you took the time to write. You, my friend, are being plagued by what my contemporaries call the "opportunistic cockblocker". In some circles, the "opportunistic cockblocker" is also referred to as "buddyf*cker", or "f*cking douchenozzle". No matter what you call him, this cat is bad news. As you may have guessed, this guy has designs on your girl. There are several ways of dealing with this...some of which are loads of fun...and some of which will land your @ss in jail (especially the one where you bust his leg with a tire iron, whilst delcaring, "Dems my fries, b*tch!").

As I see it, your options are as follows:

1) Beat him at his own game. Sure it's low. Sure it's sneaky. But remember...this @sshole is trying to bang your girl...and such behavior cannot be tolerated. Drop the cockblock on him...and drop it hard. Saying something to your girl along these lines: "did you know that (insert name of buddyf*cker here) gave (insert name of random girl that you don't really care about here) herpes? No joke! I heard it from (insert name of very good friend who will back you up on this ish here)...apparently old boy by lied about it and then rawdogged the @ss. Now she has @ss herpes. How f*cked up is that?" After hearing that, his stock will fall faster than Enron's did. Bank on it.

2) Pull the rug out from under him. Want him to lose footing with your girl? Then start an earthquake. All you have to say is, "So...I don't know how to tell you this...but I overheard (insert name of f*ckwad here) telling someone that he's gonna f*ck your brains out. He was pretty f*cked up at the time, so he may not have known what he was saying...and that's the only reason I didn't beat his @ss on the spot"...then sit back and enjoy the fireworks...she'll have that @sshole's b@lls shrink wrapped so fast it will make you dizzy.

3) Make him look like a perv. Steal his phone, take a picture of your junk, and e-mail it to her. He'll be out of the picture faster than you can say"restraining order".

After any of the aforementioned options, you should put an exclamation point on things by f*ckin' her senseless and blowing your cheez in her grill. Outside of the satisfaction you'll get from the action itself, the fact that you've denied a potential cockblock in the process will instantly make you cooler than anyone you know.

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